I laid on my bed eyes closed facing the ceiling of my room. I've been thinking about a lot lately. Work hasn't been too friendly these past few weeks. My team leader has been giving me really weird vibes and it's utterly disturbing and disgusting.
I mean he's an old soul. How could he!
The sound of my phone suddenly tore through the silent of the night. It was a little past midnight.
I almost didn't answer.
I blinked at my phone's screen, half dazed.
His name lit up my screen - Ethan
Ethan is Suzy's husband.
I simply just stared at the vibrating gadget. I was beyond confused.
This should be a mistake.
It had been weeks since I last spoke to him since we all almost shared nothing deeper than the polite check-ins.
Suzy was my best friend.
The rift between us?
We were inseparable: me and Suzy.
The kind of best friends people would look at and envy. We shared everything....secrets, we swapped clothes, cried over breakups during college days, and even finished each other's sentences. There was just no one closer.
Then Ethan happened.
It wasn't even supposed to be serious. He was just a charming stranger we met at a friend's party.
From across the room, he had smiled at both of us, but I noticed as his gaze lingered on her, Suzy.
Yeah, it was pretty obvious.
Still, I was happy for her when she announced that they started dating. Or at least, I told myself I was.
At first, it didn't change anything. We still hung out and went out to parties. Sometimes, all three of us would hang out together.
But slowly, she started cancelling our plans. She would come up with different stories.
He doesn't like when I stay out too late.
He wants me to meet his friends.
I can't make it today, I have to run some errands .
And when we did hang out at the few times that we could, she just wouldn't stop talking about him.
I basically know everything he likes and wants. It was as if the space we used to fill with laughter and girl talks had been quietly taken over by his shadow.
Then came the first real crack.
One night, all three of us had gathered for a picnic date. Out of nowhere, she had bluntly accused me of flirting with him.
This was no where true, but I saw the doubt in her eyes. That one accusation changed everything instantly. We drifted apart like a scissors cutting through the middle of a page in a novel.
They got married soon after. I was sent an invitation.
I guessed she still saw me as a friend.
I smiled through the whole ceremony, pretending not to notice how distant we had become.
We didn't really keep in touch as the years went by. We didn't see often expect during class reunions. Mostly.
And now we're here.
I picked up my phone and swiped across my screen to answer.
"Ethan?" I called out, my voice cautious.
"Mira," his voice cracked on the other end. Soft. Raw. Almost came out as a whisper. "She's gone."
Something cracked inside me as I heard those words. There was silence.
"Oh ny god.....What.....what....happened.....how .... how did she...?" I finally spoke almost rambling out.
"No...No Mira. She ...she left" His voice cracked harder.
"She.....oh you mean, she left?" I couldn't fathom what I was hearing.
In his shaky breath. "She packed her things. Said she needed space. Said we're....done."
I sat up immediately, every of my nerve awake now. I honestly didn't know what to say but I needed to say the right thing, something comforting, something neutral.
But the words that came out tangled somewhere between empathy and confusion.
"I'm sorry," i whispered. "Do you… need me to come over?"
He didn't answer right away. Then he finally spoke, it sounded almost a plea.
"Please."
I told myself that I was only going make sure he was okay. Because that's what a friend would do. Right?
I gathered myself, grabbing my car keys. It was raining hard outside. The drive was almost a blur, just empty streets as I drive by, city lights streaking past my windshield. I turned on the radio to ease myself a little bit.
By the time I reached his apartment, the rain had turned to drizzle.
I stepped onto the front door porch, he opened the door before I could knock. His eyes looked really hollow and swollen like he had cried his eyes out, his shirt was wrinkled, messy hair like he had just woken from a deep slumber.
"Hey," I said softly, as I stepped inside.
The apartment was unrecognizable, boxes were half-packed, picture glass frames were shattered on the ground, a wine bottle on the table. The faint scent of his cologne and whiskey lingered around the whole room., bittersweet.
"Oh my god", I covered my mouth at the awful sight before me.
"She really left me," he murmured, running a hand through his hair. "She didn't even look back."
He sat on the floor by the couch, leaning against it. I had never seen him this undone before. He was really a mess..
I hesitated, unsure of what to say
"I'm sorry," I said, hating how small the words felt.
He looked up at me, his eyes rimmed red. "I don't even know what to do with myself now."
He stood up and walked up to his fridge as he opened it to pick out a can beer. "You want one?"
I shook my head. "No....no, thanks."
He walked back and sat down on the floor.
He looked up at me with his tired but warm eyes. This look made my chest ache in a kind of way
"Sit with me?" As his took huge gulps from his beer.
I did. Slowly, quietly.
For a while, neither of us spoke. The silence wasn't awkward. Ir was thick, pulsing with the kind of understanding that didn't need words.
Then he started.
He talked about how fast everything fell apart, about how he thought their love could survive anything.
I listened, I really did. But with every word, every quick glance, something unspoken shifted between us. His pain felt too familiar. His loneliness mirrored mine. I've been alone all these years.
I wanted to reach out, to place a hand on his shoulder, to comfort him, but my fingers only trembled as I laid them by my side.
"You didn't lose her because of anything you did, Ethan." I said instead.
He continued "You know what's strange? You're the first person I suddenly thought to call. Not my brother. Not anyone else. You."
My heart tightened at those words. "We've known each other a long time. We go way back."
He gave me a half-smile. "Yeah."
He didn't look away. Our eyes were locked in.
He paused, his voice dropping. "What if it was you instead of her? Did you want me back then?"
My breath caught. I froze on the spot.
The room suddenly felt smaller. Like the walls were closing in.
"Don't," I finally whispered out. "You.....you don't... mean that."
He tilted his head. "No, maybe I do."
My pulse quickened. I could hear my heart beat in my head.
What was he saying?
These unspoken things neither of us can take back.
Why was he saying this?
"Ethan…"
The silence between us grew thicker like darkness, too heavy to carry.
I confessed too. It was about time I stopped disrespecting my feelings. I told him the envy I had towards them that I tried to ignore, about how I'd always admired what they had. About how I used to wonder what it felt like to be loved and looked at like that.
"I didn't openly flirt with you, but I did have feelings for you. I couldn't do that to Suzy."
"And now?" He words soft as comfort as he looked at me.
He reached out before I could respond between the space I left between us when I sat beside him, his warm hands cupped my face as he leaned in slowly. I couldn't move.
"Mira"
He whispered my name, hhis breath ghosted on my lips.
I couldn't bring myself to stop this.
The kiss was soft at first. Then it deepened, like it was fueled by years of suppressed feelings and heartbreak.
I tasted the salt of his tears that was dried out on his lips.
It wasn't passion that drove this; it was ache. Longing.
For a moment, the world stopped spinning. Everything paused.
All I could hear was the sound of our breathing... shallow.... uneven....guilty. The air between us was heavy with everything we shouldn't have said.
I pulled away first. I felt my lips twitch. My chest felt tight, like it might split open under the weight of what we had just done.
"Oh God," I whispered. "What did we just do?" I covered my mouth.
He didn't answer. His gaze searched mine, pleading in a torn expression, but I couldn't stay there another second. I stood up quickly, my knees were shaking, my throat burning.
"This was a mistake," I said, my voice barely holding. "I shouldn't have come."
"Mira...."
I reached for my bag as I fumbled for my keys. My heart was a like a hammer driving nails against my ribs.
"I can't..." I almost choked on my words, shaking my head. "I can't do this to her."
And before he could say another word, I bolted out the door.
The rain has started again. Heavier and harder this time. Cold drops hit my skin as soon as I stepped outside, soaking through my hair and my clothes.
I stopper midway in the heavy downpour, gasping for air like I had been drowning inside Ethan's apartment. My hands trembled as I reached for my phone in my bag.
Then it buzzed under my touch.
I unlocked my phone to see what came in. A message.
Don't go.
I froze in the cold rain. I stared at my phone's screen until it blurred. A part of me wanted to keep walking, to pretend this night just never happened.
But my feet wouldn't move.
"Mira!"
I heard him before I saw him — his voice cutting through the rain, rough and desperate.
He ran towards me, his shirt already drenched, his hair glued to his forehead. Before I could speak, his arms wrapped around me, pulling me against him.
"Please don't go," he whispered against my ear, his breath was warm despite the chill.
My body stiffened. I could feel his heartbeat, hard and uneven.
"Ethan," I breathed, my tears mixing with the rain. "We can't."
He held me tighter, his voice breaking. "Please..... Mira..... please."
In that fragile, rain-soaked moment, all I wanted was to believe the lie, that what we felt wasn't wrong. That maybe, just for that heartbeat in the rain, we were allowed to need each other.
Just in this moment.