Chapter 7: My Worst Day Ever in Class of Alchemy and Necromancy (The Unkillable Tea Server)
The Universal Time Bomb
The morning after forging the Excalibur Karma Gauntlets, I felt like a nightmare had been permanently personalized just for me. My exhaustion was profound; the thought of attending class was agony.
My worst fears were confirmed at the beginning of the next class. The S-Class students were called to the Academy's treasury room, where our freshly forged weapons were to be inspected.
"Students," the Chief Seer announced nervously, adjusting his golden circlet as he addressed our group. "We cannot allow these artifacts to circulate. Your weapons are not mere treasures; they are national security hazards. We are taking them to the Grand Museum's Deep Vault."
I slapped my head, muttering to myself. "They think my gauntlets are a national treasure? Hahaha! They're not a national treasure or a divine treasure, they're a Universal Time Bomb!"
The Seer's voice trembled. "They will be sealed forever in a Spatial-Dimensional Void Seal."
"But, my Black Thunder Blade!" Jenny protested, already missing her magnificent weapon.
"My Star-forged Shard is crucial for my leveling!" Lucy stated, her stoic face showing a flicker of dissatisfaction.
I, however, was secretly ecstatic. "Yes! Seal it! Forever!" I said, forcing a brave, relieved smile. I don't need to hold that piece of crap! Hahaha! My quiet life is saved!
Suddenly, a voice, loud and clear, boomed inside my mind, vibrating through my consciousness like a celestial gong striking a diamond.
"WHO YOU CALL A PIECE OF CRAP?"
What? What the hell was that voice? I thought, frantically looking around the treasury room, checking Kaelen for subtle sabotage.
"It's me, Excalibur Karma! I'm in your mind right now!" the voice replied, sounding wounded and incredibly haughty.
"What!?" I yelped, slapping my hand over my mouth. The others looked at me oddly.
"Sorry, Master," the gauntlets' spirit continued, sounding dramatically aggrieved. "But we cannot restrain our cosmic energy. Maybe my physical form is in the museum, but my spirit energy can be found roaming this pathetic little world. I am bound to you by the Triple Infinity Mana."
Oh, my god. This is nuts, I said to myself, sinking my head into my hands. My quiet life is truly, utterly finished. I can't even get rid of my cheat weapons!
"Do not worry! You will not be lonely!"Excalibur Karma declared cheerfully. "You can summon me by saying 'Excalibur Karma!' like you used to say in your old show—what was it called?—TV, or smartphone, or maybe you called it anime in your world!"
My mind went blank with despair. "So... you saw all my past memories, did you?"
"Yup! Every awkward, cringe-worthy moment! We're bonded forever! You have excellent taste in giant robots, by the way."
"Huhuhu!" I cried, the dry, rasping sobs returning. This was worse than a public confession or a demonic summoning. My private life—the memories of my past, my otaku existence, my every embarrassing thought—was now shared with a sentient, narcissistic, planet-destroying glove spirit. "This is getting worse! My private life is also broken like a thousand pieces!"
The Pale Face of Misery
The next morning, I was back at the Academy. My face was so very pale, just like a baby who hadn't had any sleep for a month. The truth was, I had spent the entire night arguing with the spirit of Excalibur Karma about the best anime to watch, primarily because Karma insisted his favorite mecha hero would defeat every magical girl.
The S-Class students all looked at me, concerned.
"What's going on, Leon? Did you overtrain last night? You look like you've seen a ghost," Jenny asked, her brow furrowed.
"Oh, it's nothing," I mumbled, offering a terrible attempt at a cheerful expression. It's just the spirit of a cosmic weapon reviewing my search history.
Auntie Stiana, Queen of the Undead
The atmosphere in the classroom was disrupted by the entrance of our lead professor.
"Good morning, S-Class! This time we have a special guest for our class visit!" the professor announced. "This class's topic is about Alchemy and Necromancy, and our school has invited the renowned—"
A woman stepped in. She had piercing violet eyes, long, flowing white hair, and a regal, intimidating presence draped in black and silver robes. Energy, cold and heavy like fresh grave dirt, radiated from her.
"Stiana," the professor finished, gesturing proudly.
Before the class could process the name, Mariana—the niece of the Death Mage, the possessive shadow user—jumped up from her seat with an almost unprecedented display of emotion.
"Hello, Auntie!" Mariana chirped, a genuine smile momentarily cracking her usual dark facade.
The entire S-Class erupted in shock. Christopher dropped his pen. Jenny looked genuinely startled.
"What!?"
"The what!?"
The professor, beaming, clarified. "Stiana is not just any adventurer. She is one of the Twelve Heroes! She holds the title of the Queen of the Undead Army! Her magic is strong enough that she can solo SS+ Dungeons, and she is renowned as a noble of the Dark Lands. Furthermore," the professor added, "she is the sister of Talia, the Grandmaster of the Adventurer's Guild."
I slumped further in my chair. A relative of my rival was one of the world's most powerful beings.
"The Queen of the Undead Army?" the voice of Excalibur Karma echoed in my mind. "Ooh, a Necromancer! Master, we should ask her about the best way to utilize the 'Undead Skeleton' skill to create a miniature bone servant that can carry your books! It would be very subtle!"
I settled for burying my face in my hands. My worst day ever was officially continuing.
The Battle of the Cheat Skills
I was desperately trying to focus on Aunt Stiana when my last shred of internal peace was annihilated.
The Intelligent Fairy Loan skill, which I hadn't summoned, suddenly popped up inside my mind with a triumphant shimmer of golden light.
"YOU NOT SO SMART, KARMA!" the tiny, bell-voiced sprite chirped directly into the spirit of my gauntlets.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU POPPING UP IN MY MASTER'S SKILL SLOTS FOR?!"Excalibur Karma immediately retorted. "AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CALLING ME BY MY LAST NAME, CALVARY ROAD, ARE YOU?!"
Calvary Road?! I mentally shrieked. His name is Excalibur Karma Calvary Road?! That's too much!
I was trapped in a full-volume argument between an SSS-Legendary Knowledge Sprite and an Artifact of Cosmic Annihilation. The mental pressure caused my already pale, sleep-deprived face to go completely white. I almost passed out.
Across the lecture hall, Christopher Silkream, the defeated scholar, suddenly bolted upright. He was staring at me, his eyes wide and focused, having sensed the surge of the Intelligent Fairy Loan skill.
He tried to activate his own wisdom aura, tried to calculate the impossible energy signature, but the effort was too great. A thin, red trickle of blood ran from his nose, splattering onto his Advanced Arcane Theory textbook. Christopher's nose was bleeding from the sheer intellectual trauma of witnessing my cheat skills warring.
I looked casually out the window, forcing my breathing to slow. Just two cosmic entities fighting a turf war in my mind. But in my heart, I was sobbing, a deep, silent, broken cry.
"The Undead Army Queen is speaking, Master! Tell her that my title, 'The Cosmic Destroyer,' is infinitely cooler than 'The Holder of the Galaxy'!" Excalibur Karma demanded.
"Nonsense, Master!" the Fairy snapped. "Ignore him! Ask her to teach you how to turn your Undead Skeleton into a perfect, silent, low-level tea server! Subtlety is key!"
I just want a quiet life! I wailed internally.
The Ultimate Mana Bribe
I closed my eyes and focused my Triple Infinity Mana into the spiritual world within my own mind. I had to bribe them.
Using raw, cosmic-grade mana, I imagined and willed into spiritual existence a sleek Smartphone and a massive, flat panel Smart Television, fully loaded with data, content, and perpetual Wi-Fi connectivity. I also constructed a soundproofed, comfortable inner-world lounge for them.
Listen guys, I mentally broadcast. Please, keep quiet and enjoy what I have for you.
I handed the Intelligent Fairy Loan the Smartphone, loaded with scholarly databases. I gave Excalibur Karma the massive TV, loaded exclusively with every over-the-top mecha and shonen anime.
The effect was instantaneous.
"The complete works of the Ancient Philosopher Griggsby! Master, you are a genius!" the Fairy squealed, the bell-like tone instantly muffled by its virtual headset.
"HA! A true high-definition display for my glorious historical battles! This... this is acceptable, Master!" Excalibur Karma boomed, the sound instantly receding into the background noise of a cinematic battle scene.
I took a deep, shuddering breath, the blessed silence in my head ringing like a bell. Finally. Peace and quiet. I could learn peacefully.
The Necromancer's Microscope
With the internal noise reduced to a manageable hum, I finally focused on Aunt Stiana.
"Necromancy is not about darkness; it is about efficiency," Stiana explained. "If you cannot utilize even the most basic servant to maximize your efficiency, you are wasting your power."
I decided to take the Fairy's low-key advice. I subtly summoned my own Skill (6): Undead Skeleton. It pulled bone matter from the ambient mana, resulting in a pale, almost ethereal bone structure forming beneath my desk.
I leaned down and gave the final, hushed command: "Retrieve the one item Kaelen provides that is essential for my sanity, and hold it perfectly still, at the ready."
The little bone servant shuffled out and a moment later, returned. The Undead Skeleton shuffled back to my desk, its tiny, bony hands carefully cradling a pristine, ice-cold glass of perfectly blended Lemonade Butter. It stood utterly motionless, holding the glass at the exact angle required for minimal splash and maximum accessibility.
Aunt Stiana paused her lecture, her violet eyes narrowing as she looked past the other students and fixed upon my desk.
A flicker of genuine approval crossed her face. "Now that," Stiana stated, pointing at my Lemonade Butter-serving Undead Skeleton, "is efficiency."
Then, Stiana took out a specialized tool: a sleek, terrifying-looking instrument that glowed with dark purple runes—a Magic Microscope.
"Fascinating efficiency," Stiana murmured. She focused the lens on the tiny, pale forearm of my skeleton. "To achieve such stability at base level, the bone density must be exceptional."
She activated the microscope, cranking the dial higher and higher, her efforts culminating in a desperate, final attempt. She zoomed in 20,000 times, but the bone still appeared infinitely thick—a solid wall of compressed mana.
She pulled back, her violet eyes wide with scientific shock.
"Young man," Stiana asked, her voice tight with professional curiosity, "how many of these... structures... can you summon?"
I felt the panic rise. I had to lowball it.
"Oh, uh, the limit I can summon... is only 100,000," I stammered. "Just that."
The King Undead Bone
Stiana staggered backward, her face losing its aristocratic composure. She clapped her hands over her mouth and shouted, a sound of genuine terror.
"Oh my God! Lord Anubisian, the Lord of the Dead, forgive me!"
She quickly pressed her hand onto the Undead Skeleton, performing a forced status check using high-grade necromancy. A new, terrifying holographic screen flashed above the little tea server.
Category Undead Skeleton (Tea Server)
Status LVL 1 King Undead Bone
Cost 9,000 Mana per Skeleton King Bone (Scales with User Mana)
HP 7,000
Defense 16,000,000
Attack and Speed 500
Skill Regeneration (Constant)
Passive Skill The Mind of the Army (Can know user's verbal intent even if user does not speak)
Stiana stared at the numbers. "Defense... sixteen million? At Level 1? It's not a common necromancy spell at all! It's a King Undead Bone!"
Her eyes darted to the passive skill. "The Mind of the Army... that skill allows the user to command an army of souls without uttering a single word! This is a legendary Underworld Servant Skill! The legend herself!"
Stiana pointed at me, her voice hoarse with disbelief. "You are capable of fielding an army of 100,000 personal bodyguards, each one harder to kill than an Ancient Dragon! You have mastered the entire domain of my patron god!"
I slumped completely in my chair, burying my face in my hands. The Lemonade Butter was perfectly steady, but my sanity was not.
"Oh my... oh my goodness! I done it again! Not!" I shouted, my voice muffled by my hands.
I had tried to be subtle. I had tried to lowball the numbers. But my simple desire for a quiet drink had revealed me to be capable of summoning an Unkillable, Telepathic Bone Army.
I am not just the protagonist; I am the protagonist of an escalating disaster movie! I wail internally. Even my disposable minions are cheat skills!