I stomped toward my bedroom like someone who was definitely not about to read a haunted notebook.
Then I face-planted straight onto my water bed.
God, I forgot how much I love this stupid thing. It hugs you back. Emotionally supportive furniture. More loyal than any man I've ever met.
Miso curled up beside me, resting her head on my arm.
"I swear, if this thing curses me, you're paying Miso's vet bill," I muttered, flipping the page.
I held the diary up over my face.
"Alright, let's see what secrets you've got."
I skipped a few pages, because who actually starts things from the beginning? Psychopaths, that's who.
I want him. God, I want him so bad I can't breathe. If he leaned in right now, I'd probably forget my own name.
My brows shot up.
"Ouuuuu, scandal," I said, fanning myself with my hand. "We're starting horny? Didn't even warm up with friendship bracelets and cafeteria gossip? Straight to the nasty…respect."
Miso barked once, like she agreed.
"Yeah, same. Forbidden dick is always the spiciest."
I flipped through more pages, until I hit the back. It was blank, empty. Half the diary just… unfinished.
"Ugh! What a lazy writer!"
I scoffed and snapped it shut. "Fine, I'll start from the top like a civilized person."
The first page was neat.
Dear Diary, I don't know what I'm doing here. Why I'm here. But I believe I'm here for a reason. Whatever reason, I just have to find out.
I read it out loud in my best Shakespearean actor voice. Miso barked like she was applauding.
I squinted.
"Ohhh, so you're a diary," I muttered. Then I sat up. "Wait…:who just leaves their diary lying around? Isn't this supposed to be, like, top secret? Padlocked? A booby trap? Anyway…." I smirked, flipping the page. "I love knowing other people's secrets. Gives me something to laugh about later when I'm bored."
One page, then another, then another. Before I knew it, I was hooked.
Dear Diary, I swear I didn't mean to stare at his lips that long. Or his hands. Or the way his shirt clung when he leaned back. But if I die tomorrow, know I died horny and it's his fault.
I choked, laughing, and also gagging.
"Oh my GOD. This isn't a diary, this is pay gorn. Diary of a Horny Kid."
Miso tilted her head like she was judging me.
"Don't judge me, I'm also a victim here! You're the one curled up like you're waiting for a bedtime story."
I flipped another, and the page literally pulsed faintly like it was… glowing.
I froze.
"…uh. Okay. We're not gonna talk about that? Cool."
I kept reading.
Dear Diary, Riri dragged me to a frat party tonight. Someone kissed me under the blacklight. I kissed back, but it was nothing. Empty. Because it wasn't him. It'll never be him.
I froze.
"…Okay but who even is this mystery man you're obsessed with? Give me a name. A social media handle. A LinkedIn profile. Does he do sports? Something."
Miso tilted her head, again.
"What? I need answers too."
I flipped another page.
Dear Diary, I keep imagining his laugh when I close my eyes. That stupid crooked grin, like he knows he's the reason my brain is rotting. If he ever touched me like I dream about, I'd never recover.
I let out a dramatic gasp.
"Stop! Bro's writing smut in cursive. Is this allowed? Do I need parental guidance to read this?"
Miso wagged her tail.
"Meanwhile, the most action I've had this year is my landlord yelling at me. Russell's over here fantasizing about mystery boy's hands. "
She barked once.
"Yeah, yeah. Still counts."
I can't Imagine being that down bad. This is embarrassing…and I live for it.
I flipped through faster. Each entry was thirstier, juicier, like watching someone spiral into horny insanity in real time.
Dear Diary, his shoulder brushed mine and I saw my whole afterlife. Heaven isn't white gates, it's his scent and his skin on mine.
I dragged my hand down my face.
"Hello? Not Heaven?? Imagine being so down bad you're confusing a guy's shoulder for God's light." I was laughing, tears pricking at my eyes. "I can't…this man is a mess, and I love him for it."
I licked my lips, leaning back against my pillows. "So let me get this straight. Russell is…." I ticked it off with my fingers, "…obsessed with a crush who ignores him, making out with strangers he doesn't care about, partying with Riri every weekend, and journaling smut and wet dreams? Meanwhile, I'm twenty-five, dropped out of college, and the last kiss I got was from a dog with bad breath?"
Miso barked like she was laughing at me.
"Don't. Don't you dare."
By page ten, I had my hand in a bag of stale chips I swore I wasn't gonna eat, and the other gripping the diary.
Dear Diary, he walked past me today. Didn't even look at me. I might as well be invisible. How do you want someone so bad, when they're this nonchalant and act like you don't exist?
I rolled my eyes. "Babe, that's not a crush, that's a haunting. You're haunting yourself."
"Russell is so damn lucky," I sighed. "This is like… binge watching a life that's better than mine. I can feel the ache in my chest, like someone's quietly reminding me that my life could've been this wild, this free, if I hadn't been so busy surviving instead of living."
I flipped again, and froze at the words:
Dear Diary, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever say his name out loud. It sits in my throat, burning, begging to come out. I think… I'm going to write it. Just once. His name is….
I gasped. "Miso!! The reveal! The tea! We're about to find out who the main character of this horny diary is."
I was already flipping to the next line, practically drooling…..
When my phone buzzed.
"Ugh, what now? Another hate comment? Someone calling me unemployed trash?" I groaned, grabbing the phone, ready to roast back…
My eyes widened at the name on the screen. I froze.
My heart started racing.
"Oh… no way," I whispered.