The world spat him out like a bad joke.
J hit dirt face-first, mouth full of moss and grit. He gagged, spat, and rolled over, staring up into a canopy of green so thick the sun was little more than thin beams cutting through the leaves. The air pressed down heavy, buzzing with insects, humid enough to stick his shirt to his skin.
He lay there for a moment, groaning. "Oh good. We went from marble theme park to… eco-resort. Five stars for immersion, minus five for no Wi-Fi."
Around him, people were groaning, coughing, shouting. They'd been dumped in the middle of a sprawling jungle laced with ruined stone structures, broken walls, toppled pillars, steps that led nowhere. Roots and vines had swallowed everything, but carvings still peeked from the stone: faded runes, worn figures of creatures he didn't recognize.
Chaos spread quickly. A woman sobbed into her hands. A man staggered to his feet, calling a name that didn't answer. Others clung to each other, whispering prayers or curses.
J pushed himself upright, brushing dirt from his jeans. He looked around, and the muttered,"Welcome, one and all, to your all-inclusive jungle getaway! Featuring scenic ruins, authentic bugs, and...wait for it...no checkout policy because you will probably die here. Don't worry, tips are optional."
People nearby who heard him didn't laugh as the reality sunk into their minds. Someone muttered, "We're doomed."
J grinned wider. "Doomed with style."
"Still making jokes?"
He turned. Maya stood nearby, hugging her arms. Her hair was a little tangled, her face pale, but she was steady enough to stand. She looked at him like she was trying to decide whether his humor was brave or insane.
J swept into a dramatic bow. "Ma'am, jokes are the only thing standing between me and an emotional breakdown. So… you're welcome."
That earned him the faintest smile. "Back there… in the plaza. You made people laugh. Thank you."
He waved it off, straightening up. "All part of the clown package. You want balloon animals, though, you're outta luck."
Before Maya could answer, a sharp voice cut across the ruins.
"Everyone! Form up!"
Erik Vaughn stood on the steps of a broken archway, arms folded, his presence loud even without shouting. Sweat streaked his temple, but his military posture hadn't budged.
"We don't know this place," Erik barked. "We stay together, move in groups, stay alert. Anyone who runs off will get killed."
His tone carried the weight of commander. Some people nodded. Others muttered not agreeing. A few just ignored him, already drifting towards the trees.
J stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Oh look, apocalypse boot camp."
Then Ravi's voice rose, cutting through. "I'm starving already! What are we supposed to eat here, bugs? I can't live on this! We're all gonna...."
J raised a finger. "Should've subscribed to Apocalypse Meal Prep. First box is free. Comes with a shovel for digging your own grave."
Ravi glared at him. "Shut up, clown!"
"Sorry, can't," J said with a grin. "It's chronic."
Before Ravi could retort, Erik snapped, "Quiet. Listen."
The jungle had gone still.The growl came from the underbrush. Low, rumbling sound.
Something stepped from the vines. A wolf but twisted, wrong. Its body gaunt, ribs pressing against pale skin. Jagged bone jutted from its back like broken spears. Its eyes glowed a sickly yellow, and when it bared its teeth, saliva dripped to the ground and hissed like acid.
A bone-wolf.
Screams tore the air. Survivors scrambled, tripping over roots and each other. Its gaze locked onto J.
He raised both hands. "Hey now. Look, buddy, I'm stringy. No meat. Try Ravi, he's seasoned with panic."
The wolf lunged.
J stumbled backward, arms flailing, tripping over a vine. His back slammed into a cracked stone wall, dust raining down. His heart thundered as the beast soared through the air toward him, teeth bared.
The wall groaned.And collapsed.
Stone blocks tumbled down in an avalanche, missing J by inches but crashing straight into the wolf mid-leap.
CRUNCH.
The beast hit the ground in a broken heap, crushed beneath rubble. The impact shook through J's bones. He sat there in a cloud of dust, blinking, ears ringing.
The wolf twitched once. Then stilled.
Silence.Everyone stared.
J coughed, spat grit, and patted at his clothes, leaving white handprints of dust. Slowly, deliberately, he stood. He raised one hand skyward, finger extended like he'd just pulled off the greatest trick of the century.
"And THAT, ladies and gentlemen," he declared with a crooked grin, "is called tactical collapsing. Don't try this at home, folks. Only trained professionals like me can pull it off."
Nervous laughter rippled through the group. A few people clapped weakly. Most just gawked at him like he'd sprouted horns.
"That… that wasn't skill," someone muttered.
"It was dumb luck," another whispered.
Erik's eyes narrowed. "Nobody's that lucky."
Ravi sneered. "Figures the clown cheats death."
Maya just watched him quietly. Her eyes weren't mocking, not like the others. Her voice was soft. "You were terrified, weren't you?"
J grinned wider, dust still clinging to his hair. "Fear's my secret weapon. Works every time."
But his chest was still pounding. He knew. That wolf should've killed him. It hadn't been skill. It hadn't even been a plan. Just… luck. Or something pretending to be.
The wolf's body shimmered, dissolving into motes of golden light. Gasps spread through the survivors as the remains evaporated, leaving behind a single glowing crystal orb. It pulsed faintly, radiating warmth.
"Essence," someone whispered.
J blinked at it. Then crouched and scooped it up, turning it over in his hand. The crystal thrummed like a heartbeat.
He straightened, holding it up. "And now, free souvenir with every near-death experience. Folks, this apocalypse is practically a carnival."
The crowd murmured some impressed, some jealous, some whispering in awe.
Erik didn't take his eyes off him. Ravi muttered about unfairness under his breath. Maya looked at him like she could see past his grin, straight to the truth he kept hidden.
J just pocketed the orb casually, like it was nothing more than loose change, then patted the rubble affectionately.
"Never underestimate architecture," he murmured. "Grandma would've loved that one."
He grinned, wider, brighter, as if it had all been a joke. And for the first time, people began whispering about him.
The fool who survived.
End