Has anybody noticed, how everyone is afraid of attachments lately?
A year back I was too. But then my deep thinking brain found both it's reason and the solution. And yes, I will share it here. That's the whole purpose of this book.
I believe people are afraid of attachments because they fear that the person whom they dare to love and care so much, won't reciprocate that warmth in the same way. And it's definitely a fair reason to be scared of attachments.
People fear that what if the person whom they love doesn't love them back. The person for whom they are ready to make efforts, won't make similar efforts in return. The person whom they care for won't care for them in the same way.
And these are all valid reasons to be scared of getting attached to someone. It does feel awful, when you put in efforts for someone, you reach out first, you keep your ego aside, you respond quickly, you care for someone and in return the person doesn't respond with the same warmth.
And because people don't want to feel vulnerable and awful, they don't risk getting attached to someone deeply.
Enough about the problem and the reason behind it. Now comes the solution that I figured out around a year back and trust me, this is one of those psychological answers that I found myself and it's pure gold.
I think it happens with everyone once in their life, that you attach yourself with someone so hard and then it all falls apart when you start realising that they don't value you enough or they don't feel the same way for you. And it's not specific to a girl or boy you love, it's a general concept, it happens in friendships too. You sometimes feel that someone is your best friend but that friend doesn't return the same energy and you realise that it wasn't the way you thought it is.
So the solution that automatically everyone goes with is, not letting yourself get attached to someone again. Not loving or caring deeply for someone again.
But I chose a different path. I made my own solution.
I am genuinely a fan of the feeling of love. Loving someone, caring for someone is the most ultimate feeling for me in the world. I didn't want to be afraid of loving people.
So my solution was to learn to be selfless. To love someone without expecting anything in return.
It sounds easy, but it's hard to practice. I mean, we are all humans. And it's human tendency to expect love and care in return.
But once you practice it for sometime, it does become a part of you. Trust me, it does.
And once you start loving people without conditions and expectations, it takes so much burden off your head.
This whole theory that I have formulated is not specific for just your friends, family or your special one. It works in both the cases.
But even though the solution works well for both the cases, let's talk about them separately.
I have had friends in past whom I thought were close to me but when I realised that they didn't think the same way, I started hating them. And this realisation came with a lot of pain, because I invested a lot of affection and care in that friendship. But again that pain was because I expected affection and care in return.
So now whatever four-five friends I have, I love them unconditionally, without expecting anything. I no longer expect them to include me in hangouts, in parties, when they are having fun or something. But I would be deeply disappointed if they didn't include me in their tough times.
I mean I expressed my love and care just for this. That you don't hesitate for a second before reaching out to me in tough times. I don't mind missing out on the fun. My FOMO is when my loved ones don't include me when they are suffering. When they wanted to share their problems with someone, and didn't try to reach me.
Recently, an old friend texted me. Just to give context she lives in another city, I live in another. We hardly communicate once or twice in two months that too through texts.
But this time when she texted, it started with normal hi, hello, how's everything going conversation, but then she said if she could talk about something that's going on in her head.
And this made me feel so special. I loved this feeling that someone felt I was close enough to share something personally disturbing with me despite me not being around them daily. I mean think about it, I don't hang out with her, we don't have any photos together, I have not seen her physically since so many years, I am not part of her fun times. But still she chose me to share something that was disturbing her.
This incident was the best proof of how well my theory works.
And since that day, I have made my mind, I know I am a very boring person. I am not someone with a great sense of humour, I am not the one with a witty reply, I am not that risk taking fun devil. I am not that class bunking stud. So, it's fine if you don't include me in your fun. I absolutely don't mind it. But because you are my close friend and I have accepted this with full conviction, I want you to tell me when something goes wrong, when you need something fixed, when you want someone to talk to. Because as I mentioned, that's what makes me feel special and fulfilled.
In college too, I have a best friend and he also has that someone special. So these days we hardly hang out together. He goes his way after the class to spend time with her and I go my way somewhere, usually to the tennis court. And I don't know why one day he felt that I was feeling left out so he called me and confronted it. And I laughed out, and I told him, "bro, friendships are permanent, relationships needs efforts to build it strong. So, just spend time with her and make sure you don't forget to explain me everything that happened, where did you go, what she said, what you said and other exciting stuff".
So now, after my day gets over at college, I do receive a call from him in which he tells me everything that happened with so much excitement and enthusiasm that I enjoy it too. He tells me in detail about everything that happened on the date, and I listen to him attentively. And he doesn't realise, but this thing, him telling me everything, does make me feel special. I feel happy that he is happy and that he had a good time but more happy that he wanted to tell someone everything and he chose me.
I don't know if anybody has experienced the positivity that a super happy person radiates from within. My poor mood gets better when I hear about his happy and exciting day, because such is the energy that a happy person radiates. It's literally so addictive.
Now talking about attachment to your special person.
See, I have said it before too, love is dumb luck. There is a very slight probability that the person you have feelings for will feel the same for you.
I apply the same theory here too.
First things first, I don't lie to myself that, "no no I don't feel anything for her. It's nothing like that.". I know I have feelings for her and I accept it. You'll know that you have fallen for someone when you start caring about someone without effort. Like when caring comes naturally, you can confirm that you are in the red zone. Lol.
See, I'll tell you the truth. I also want to hangout with her, spend time with her like my friends do with theirs. But since I am always confused that whether my presence makes her happy, or it makes her uncomfortable, so I back off. I don't want to force my presence in her surrounding and disturb her comfort.
So nine out of ten times, whenever I plan to ask her for a coffee, I unsend that text for this reason and hundred other reasons that have no relation to this chapter. I don't expect her to reciprocate the same warmth towards me, because she didn't choose me, I did. And hence, I don't expect her to text me, call me or tell me when she wants to have coffee after class.
But..but… I expect that she tells me about something bad that happened with her. About something that is going on in her head. That she reaches out to me when she wants a problem fixed. When she needs something.
I call this distant love. This is a small theory within this larger theory. In this, you keep a fair distance from the person you have feelings for, you adore the person from far. But because you love that person, you stay on toes to make their life better.
So I might unsend a text that read, "hey, wanna catchup on coffee?", but I would never unsend a text that reads, "You fine?". I am a coward, underconfident person in these aspects but I will never hesitate a bit to check on the people I love.
If I feel something is wrong with the person, I'll check.
Recently, I was having a conversation with my elder sister, and I don't remember from where the conversation started, but it came to dating and stuff. And she said to me, that today, men no longer know how to love selflessly like how it used to be in old times, everyone is so demanding. And to some extent, that's true too.
But I have seen few men in my life who loved selflessly, and still do. For instance, there was this guy in my sister's coaching, and he clearly liked my sister very much. He never said it to her, but made sure that she knew it someway. But my sister didn't have any feelings for him. She always considered him a great friend. And I don't think it's my sister's fault either.
Eventually he learned that my sister doesn't have any feelings for him. So ideally what happens is, the boy moves on, finds someone else. But that's not what happened here.
He accepted the truth that he has no scope, but still till date, he adores her from far. He meets her whenever he is in Delhi. Is always on his toes to help her. Sends her some gift on her every birthday. Tries to be in touch with her through texts.
And me and my other sister(the eldest one) feel so bad for him.
I respect that guy so much for this. That's the very definition of loving someone selflessly without expecting anything in return. You don't just drop your feelings for someone because the person didn't feel the same for you. And if you do, you probably didn't love the person anyway, it was just some sought of infatuation may be. Maybe, you were just attracted to their looks, that's it.
Because that's not how love works, at least not to my definition.
Anyways, let's conclude it. So the end point is that if you don't want to get hurt, start trying to love people without conditions and without expectations. This way not only you'll keep believing in the beautiful concept of love and care but also it will make you a much better and emotionally stronger person. Share your love with more and more people, love fearlessly.
Huh…. I feel I could go on and on. I so so love brainstorming about the psychological aspects of human life, about emotions and feelings. And I feel I have won a game when I find an answer to one of these questions.
See you in the next chapter, with a similar psychological question, hopefully with a solution too.