The mere thought was enough to send a wave of embarrassment flooding through her veins. It was a simple farewell present, yet she couldn't decipher why it felt like a mountainous task. The golden brooch seemed so insignificant now under his intense scrutiny, even though she had spent ages choosing it with such care.
Maybe a brooch is an old-fashioned gift now? Vivia nervously chuckled to herself inwardly.
She remembered how the jeweler had teased her about married life when she had been so determined to buy it. Perhaps there was some meaning to brooches that she hadn't understood.
"It's okay if you don't like it."
Vivia couldn't help but blurt it out. It was torturous to bear the silence. She had expected Zerath to give his usual smile, maybe even look pleasantly surprised as he accepted it. But his unblinking stare at her gift began to unnerve her.
"...Are you sure you want to give me this brooch?"
Her brows shot up, caught off-guard by his question.
"Of course. I bought it especially for you."
Vivia found his gaze peering at her with a strange emotion she had never seen before. A hint of tenderness shone in his eyes, though mixed with a shadow of helplessness, as if something immensely troubled him that escaped her understanding.
"I…" his lips parted after much difficulty. "I don't deserve your present, Lady Vivia."
Confusion filled her gaze. "Why would you say that?"
"Because I haven't been honest with you."
She could sense that he had a lot of things to say but couldn't decide where to start. So she remained silent, giving him his much needed space.
"You were right in being suspicious about me the first time we met. You wanted shelter in Rudaheim, but you couldn't fully trust me either."
He paused for a moment and continued. "It was right of you to not trust me because I didn't have pure intentions in bringing you to my realm. As the royal princess of the Emberlain kingdom, you were useful to me. It was inevitable that the Emberlain convoy would feel indebted that I saved their princess and gave her shelter."
She blinked twice but continued listening to him.
"Naturally, they'd offer something in return even if they don't want to. It's their princess's life after all. Courtesy dictates that. I had decided to make a deal with them. In exchange for saving your life, I'd demand their blessed Harbinger of Seasons come to Rudaheim."
It took a moment for Vivia to catch the implication, but she quickly reached the conclusion.
"For Nethermoor."
"...Yes," his brows creased with tension, and she could see the shame burning in his eyes.
"The blessed's existence in our realms is of extreme national importance because of the power they hold to influence our seasons, the solar-lunar cycles and maintain our world's balance - which makes it almost impossible to ever take their help because of our history. No King in their right mind would ever allow that."
He continued, his voice growing heavier. "But Nethermoor was running out of time. If something wasn't done soon enough, it would've been reduced to nothing but a pile of ice rubble. The older generation refused to move out, so only death awaited them after a certain point."
Zerath looked down at his sword, clasping its hilt.
"I thought the strange power in my sword could lift the eternal winter like it had stopped the ice tide. I had secretly visited Nethermoor on the pretext of some other work frequently. I used my sword's power over and over again, but it didn't work. Maybe I was still too weak to lift the crisis on my own. It was then I realized that only the Human Realm's blessed was our last hope. But…"
Zerath lifted his gaze and stared at her just as a string of fireworks exploded in the sky. It cast a breathtaking net of lights that enveloped the night sky with vibrant colors dancing in it.
"Politics is not an easy sea to swim through. Father and the Order had rejected my suggestion the moment I uttered it. It was impossible for Emberlain to ever agree to our request if we didn't have any leverage. That was…"
Vivia held her breath, her hands unconsciously gripping the velvet box tighter.
"That was until Lady Vivia crossed my path. That was until Lady Vivia in Princess Clairette's body crossed my path. I knew then and there what I had to do. This was my only chance to make it count. To make Emberlain listen to us without Rudaheim landing into their debt. So I treated Lady Vivia the best way I could only to secure my own gains."
Zerath stopped talking, allowing himself to sink in the very despair of the ugly truth. He could feel his poised image shatter in front of her. He might have given the impression that nothing ever seemed out of his control, but only he knew how uncontrollably his heart pounded out of shame and dishonor at this moment. Even the shimmering fireworks in the sky couldn't lift his crestfallen smile.
"I was selfish through and through, even though at every step of the way, you were nothing but kind to my kingdom. You held a genuine curiosity to learn more about my world while I could only think of using you. You showed compassion to Eurus, respected our customs, mingled with the demons as if they were your own people, stood up to defend me time and again, yet I…didn't even save you out of goodwill, Lady Vivia. I'm afraid to think that I might've left you to die in the forest were you not of any use to me. That's how I see people. I'm not as kind as you think I am."
Zerath stepped forward, closing the space between them. His hand cradled her cheek with gentle reverence, as if knowing that this fleeting moment would soon vanish.
"I don't deserve your present Vivia…nor do I deserve to love you."
Vivia's eyes were locked on his golden irises in disbelief. It was as if her heart took a sharp dive into an unknown territory she had been trying to escape from all this time. The warmth from Zerath's hand lingering on her cheek made her lips quiver.
What was I going to say…?
Vivia had forgotten. She scrambled to figure it out, but the buzz ringing in her ears was too loud to let her make sense of anything.
"I can read the confusion in your eyes," a soft smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "But I wonder if it's really so perplexing? It's easy to fall for you. Everything you do makes me love you even more than before. Be it your strength, smile, dance or kindness - you're a very beautiful woman, Vivia."
Her racing thoughts came to a halt with his melodious words tugging her heartstrings. She eventually gathered her courage to properly look at him - to face the love for her shining so brilliantly in his eyes. As if yet again, she was the only woman he could see before him. A tickle on her ear made her realize how the tips of his fingers grazed upon it ever so lightly.
"I know you've a lot of questions and a lot of things to say to me. Though I'm a gentleman, can I urge you to let me speak my mind first just this one time? I know I wouldn't get another chance to be with you like this."
Vivia pressed her trembling lips.
He doesn't play it fair. That forlorn expression…is not fair at all.
He gently pressed his fingers at the back of her ear and slightly drew her face towards him as he closed the trembling distance between them.
"I wouldn't put you in a difficult position, Vivia. The history between our races makes it impossible for me to long for you. I've thought about it countless times," he said, his gaze flickering with a myriad of complicated emotions.
"Should I pursue you? Should I be selfish and bring only further clashes between our realms? I don't know. Was it your dance that had mesmerized me, was it your natural confidence that lit up the first spark for me, or was it always standing to protect me that made my heart flutter? I don't know.
But it only got more and more difficult for me to hold back. It only made harder the longer you stayed. I don't care if it's a sin to love you. But I cannot put that burden of my sin upon you. Not when you're going through a crisis of your own identity and not when I've used you for my own goals."
Zerath clutched the back of her head, not strong enough to hurt her but not soft enough to let her go either.
"I realized that it's for the best that you're leaving. I don't deserve your concern and kindness anyway. This distance between us comes at the right time. That's why I cannot accept your present, Vivia. I appreciate the gesture, but a present from you will only make me long for you more. If that happens, then I'm afraid…I truly wouldn't be able to let go of you."