The greenhouse was still.
Dust drifted through the moonlight, silvering the air.
Raymond stood at the entrance, his nightshirt was rumpled, hair sticking up. Surprise flashed his gaze as we locked eyes, but vanished almost immediately.
" Your highness! " I pulsed, standing.... " What are you doing here? "
"Couldn't sleep, I saw the light on so..." He said, gestures at the Suncrystal[1]glowing softly, hanging above the protea.
" No, I mean what are you doing... in Eloria? " The last sentence left me vaguely.
"Oh, The Dowager Princess refused to leave me alone at the palace. plus, I want to see you, how... are you? "
" What's the shade of my eyes? " My vioce has no air behind it.
He didn't reply, I wondered what he was seeing, cause even I didn't know what I was feeling at the moment, and his silence hit harder than I'd care to admit.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. The moonlight caught the glass, painting it in pale blue — fragile, exhausted.
Ray took a careful step closer. "I want to say… sorry. For your mother."
I exhaled slowly. " Everyone is."
"Yeah," he said. " But I mean it "
He looked like he had more to say — his gaze... was something else, I didn't know what, maybe he had a different way of expressing it...
My eyes were dry and cold, " Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you pity me."
He opened his mouth to reply, he hesitated. I just walked towards him, i didn't want to hear it, " I'm sorry for waking you, your highness. But.. I really do not need the comfort," i said, brushing past him. "And I definitely don't need you to pretend you understand."
He reached out, just barely — but I slipped past his hand.
And before he could find the words he was missing, I walked away.
.><><><.
Mother's funeral was held the next morning, at Elysar[2], Father walked out of the tomb looking devastated and lifeless, his eyes sulken, lost their light in less than a full day, he wore the ceremonial white garments of a widower, the name doesn't suit him at all. He looked...i'm not sure he cared how he looked, and for once - nobles greeted with sincere condolences. Some of them, at least..
It was my turn to pay my respects, my last.
I've always thought the woman an idiot, still do, but... I guess I understand a mother's love... I guess,
The priest droned on ahead of me, standing at the entrance, his words floating thin in the cold morning air. Something about eternal peace, the mercy of the light,and souls return to grace. I doubted she'd need any of it.
She was grace.
The nobles stood still behind me, their veils fluttering softly, their silence heavy and hollow. I could feel their eyes even through the lace that covered mine — a veil so light it made the morning fog seem mercifully duller.
It was traditional to wear white for funerals, and for Family to leave a sentimental gift for the dead, I brought a dress...the last dress she got me, mostly because I had no plans wearing it ever again.
I stepped inside, carrying the lace, silky black gown.
Whispers slipped between the graves like ghosts: pity, curiosity, boredom disguised as reverence.
I kept my gaze ahead. White lilies and proteas rested on her chest, (Father probably left the protea ) their petals trembling in the wind, the only things still honest here.
Framed painting, childhood clothing, trinkets, were in the casket, (wouldn't she suffocate under all that. ) I stood there...still, thoughtful. She wore her wedding ring, Father should have dropped his too, but I didn't see it. I placed the dress at her feet, my hands lingered at the ends of the casket.
" I'm sorry..." I murmured quietly, " sorry for making you feel like a bad Mother, sorry for costing you your life, and ... " I paused for a few heartbeats "for not even being able to mourn you " my hands dropped, "I'll return another time." I said simply, turned and walked out.
The priest spoke as I walked out, his words blurred into a dull hum, I couldn't tell if they were prayers or apologies. Nobles whispered behind gloved hands,
"She didn't shed a single tear for the poor woman"
"I always knew this family would be the end of her"
"Shush, you're on scared grounds"
"What's the Duke to do now?, surely the duchy can't continue without a duchess"
— their tongues hung heavier than the incense.
I could think of many reasons to slap a few of them, but I lacked the physical strength at the moment, and my mind felt like it was only minutes away from giving out.
The ground still smelled of turned soil and lilies, as the field emptied slowly, I saw Raymond staring back at me as the Dowager Princess lead him away.
The ride home was quiet and uncomfortable, I had no idea what Father was thinking, it was just us, the others weren't yet allowed inside the Elysar, I wanted to help him anyway I could, at least make sure he doesn't become a cold and distant parent to the rest of my siblings.
Until,
"I'm sorry" I chuckled softly under my breath (I've been apologizing a lot lately )
"What for?" His voice was steady, he didn't sound like someone who cried at all, like nothing wasn't missing from him, I found that admirable.
"For not being helpful, if my influence wasn't repressed I probably-"
He cuts me off grabbing my hand, firm.
"Don't say that, you're only here right now because of your repressed influence, you'd have been a threat to them... And who knows what they'd have done" his voice shook at the last words.
"Iris, non of this is your fault, I should've been there, I should've..."
His eyes wavered and tears just started flowing. Slowly. He pressed his face onto laps, probably in an attempt to hide his weakness from me, perhaps.
I patted his head, my throat hurt..dry and tightening. I didn't cry, but at least I felt like it.
.><><><.
The halls of the manor felt too quiet when I returned — muffled, like even the walls were empty, and vassals and family weren't inside. I guess that's their way of being polite, I almost enjoyed seeing nobles not being so...noble for once.
I stopped outside Theo's room. It felt like I hadn't seen him for so long, the door was slightly cracked open, I went in. Mineral stones lined beneath the bed, glowing faint, but they left an unnerving feel in the air.
Stabilizing his influence, they said.
He lay on the bed, pale against the sheets, chest rising unevenly, hair damp with sweat, his fingers twitching every so often like he was still fighting something in his sleep.
"An idiot just like her" I whispered, voice catching. " I'll make sure this never happens again," I stepped closer, " I'll get stronger." About to brush a hand over his head.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Mia said firmly, behind me.
I stopped, turned.
"He could turn you to a crisp, not that I mind." Mia continued
"Shut up Mia" Gia hushed her. What she did best.
Both twins stood just after the bedroom foothold, Gia carrying a tray of Mineral stones, And Mia hold a white towel over her shoulder, three maids stood behind them, carrying trays of Mineral stones as well.
"What do you mean" turning to Theo.
"That's what the healer said " Gia said, putting down the tray beside the bed.
"How was it?" She continued "the funeral"
"I ..." I couldn't find my words.
The room fell quite of vioces for a brief moment, the maids changed the Mineral stones and left. ...Then, Gia took my hand in hers, " Maybe you still need to rest? " It sounded more like she was telling me than asking... " Mia!" She exclaimed,
"I'm right here, why are you yelling?" Mia retorted,
" I'll manage Theo's bath myself, you take Iris to her room "...
Before Mia had the chance to retaliate herself, I cut in " No need, I--I can manage " I hurried out of the room.
(These children have already made due with their situation and emotions, so composed like they weren't experiencing lose, and here I was unable to even recognize what I was feeling! )
I was so frustrated in thought that I didn't notice the open door in front of me, and walked right into it "Ow!" I stumbled back abit "shit!" I touched my throding head, luckily it wasn't bleeding.
"Iris, are you alright?"
I'd recognize that vioce even in my sleep (Malice, what does she want )
[1] Spheres that absurd sun-light during the day, and releases it at night
[2] Elysar:> A beautiful field, with tombs made of white marbles, lit by faint glowing minerals woven through its stone. These tombs are meant for deceased nobility, the family crest of the dead engraved at the top of each tomb.