Be warned, I do not play Genshin and I'm far to busy to correct any errors in the references.
Of course, you're free to correct me through the comments!
*****
The next morning, at Soubu High School.
"Older Brother, I'm leaving first, so remember what Komachi told you~"
"…Yeah, yeah."
Hikigaya Hachiman watched his younger sister wave cheerfully before heading toward the first-year teaching building. As her figure disappeared, he let out a long sigh, shoulders drooping. His little sister's "suggestion" from yesterday was still swirling in his head, and it left him with nothing but trouble.
No matter what Komachi said, there could only ever be one person qualified to be her sister-in-law—and that person was Yukinoshita Yukino.
Betraying Yukinoshita? Impossible! Looking for a backup plan, a fling, or—God forbid—a… "side piece"? Forget it! Such dishonorable nonsense was absolutely impossible for the righteous Hachiman!
He clenched his fist with conviction. "I am loyal to Yukinoshita!"
…But.
His hand subconsciously went to his face, brushing down the bangs that were starting to annoy him. In the corner of a window, he caught a glimpse of his reflection.
"Although I was always handsome to begin with… why do I look even more handsome lately? Weird. Could it be… that working out actually improves your looks?"
Muttering to himself like a lunatic, he trudged toward the third-year building.
In any case, he had decided—he would keep a low profile from now on. After all, he was a man with a girlfriend. A proper boyfriend! Which meant he should minimize any unnecessary contact with the opposite sex.
Because he'd arrived earlier than usual, Class 3-B was still mostly empty. Hikigaya scanned the room.
"…Eh? Kato's not here yet."
Victory!
A relieved sigh escaped him. If he was being honest, every time he crossed paths with Kato Megumi, his chest tightened with an uneasy pressure. He couldn't shake the eerie feeling that she could see straight through every single one of his secrets with those calm, unreadable eyes.
The fewer encounters he had with her in the morning, the better.
But just as he prepared to head toward his desk—his territory—Hikigaya froze in place.
Two girls were already stationed there. Not just stationed—arguing. His eyes narrowed as if an alarm siren went off in his brain.
The battlefield: his desk. The combatants: two highly dangerous species.
On one side stood a blonde twin-tailed girl, palms slammed against the desk like a prosecuting attorney about to tear her opponent apart. Her glare burned with the fury of a cornered lioness.
On the other sat a black-stockinged beauty with long legs crossed elegantly, perched on a desk in the back row. She lazily tapped her heel against the stool that was supposed to be Hikigaya's, her smirk sharp enough to slice.
"Keqing is the strongest Electro DPS, don't you get it?!" Blondie barked. "You can't even comprehend Keqing's value!"
The other scoffed, voice dripping with mockery. "Heh. An old launch character, and you dare to call her the strongest Electro DPS? Are you actually insane?"
"Keqing is the Goddess of Thunder of Liyue! The Goddess of Thunder!"
"Goddess of Thunder? Don't make me laugh. Raiden Shogun is the real Goddess of Thunder."
"…!"
The two clashed again, sparks practically flying between their glares.
Hikigaya rubbed his temple. He remembered their self-introductions from before: the sharp-tongued, black-stockinged upperclass beauty was Kasumigaoka Utaha, while the fiery blonde twin-tails was Sawamura Eriri.
Yeah, that sounded about right. But their names weren't the shocking part.
The shocking part was—
"…Holy crap. Genshin?!"
At the mention of "Keqing" and "Raiden Shogun," Hikigaya nearly tripped over his own feet. Of all places, he never imagined he'd hear about that game here at Soubu High.
After all, Soubu students were mostly normies. They didn't dive into anime, gacha, or online debates about damage-per-second charts. Many didn't even know what Genshin Impact was.
Well… except for one particular alien. Zaimokuza Yoshiteru. That guy never shut up about little girls like Klee, Yaoyao, and Qiqi. He even proudly proclaimed he'd "marry" them someday—truly the apex of lolicon delusion.
Meanwhile, Kasumigaoka and Eriri Spencer Sawamura's argument showed no signs of stopping.
"My Keqing can chain elemental reactions whenever she wants!" Eriri slammed her palms against the desk again, her twin-tails swishing violently behind her.
Kasumigaoka, perfectly calm, smirked as she tapped her fingers on her crossed knee. "Sorry, but raw direct damage reigns supreme. Numbers don't lie."
"Hmph, that's just because your Raiden Shogun can't do it!"
"I choose not to," Utaha replied with the smugness of someone who knew she had already won. "Why waste time setting up when I can drop hundreds of thousands of damage in one slash?"
(There's a running joke in my country that when you text a girl 'hey' and she doesn't reply, the secret lies in consistency. Send a couple more heys and you'll succeed eventually. Then again, that's a simp's mentality)
"Yours fizzles out after a few hits!" Eriri shot back, her voice rising an octave. "Keqing is way more consistent!"
"Heh. A primitive will always be a primitive. I've already cleared the boss, and you're still fumbling around like a rookie."
"Keqing isn't primitive at all! Ever since Dendro dropped, she's had her comeback arc!"
"So what? Even with that so-called comeback, she'll never surpass Raiden Shogun."
"You—! Raiden Shogun is just a glorified support unit!"
"Sorry to break it to you, but mine's C6."
"Wh—What's there to brag about?! My… my Keqing is C6 too!"
The classroom was practically trembling with the intensity of their gamer war. Eriri's cheeks were flushed red with fury, while Utaha wore the infuriating grin of a queen toying with her subject.
Neither noticed that Hikigaya had crept closer, caught in the blast radius of their absurd showdown.
This… this is exactly why playing too much Genshin is dangerous, Hikigaya sighed inwardly. Honestly, the last thing he wanted was to be anywhere near these two. If he had the choice, he'd already be halfway out the door.
But fate was cruel. That battlefield they had chosen? It was his desk. His throne. His sacred territory. And now it was being desecrated by two gacha addicts.
Hikigaya pulled out his phone like a soldier drawing his last weapon. If he couldn't retreat, he could only… blend in.
"Ugh… why hasn't the update dropped yet? Damn Mihoyo… I just wanna pull the banner already. Hurry up and give me the strongest Electro DPS—Clorinde!" he muttered under his breath, pretending to scroll.
Yes. Another embarrassing entry added to the chronicles of Hachiman.
Sure enough, his bait worked instantly. Both girls froze mid-argument and turned their sharp gazes toward him.
Eriri's eyes narrowed. "Huh?! Strongest Electro DPS? Don't make me laugh! Clorinde only came out today—how can you say she's stronger than Keqing already?!"
Meanwhile, Kasumigaoka shifted elegantly, crossing her legs with the grace of a queen reclaiming her throne. Her lips curved into a smile that was both curious and mischievous. "Heh… so, this classmate plays Genshin Impact too?"
Hikigaya froze. He quickly shoved his phone back into his pocket like it was contraband. With the stiff movements of a guilty man, he forced a nervous laugh.
"Uh… I… I only played for a few days."
Ugh… terrifying. This is the power of women who are obsessed with gacha games?
And worse—these two weren't just random classmates. They were going to be his front and back seat neighbors for an entire year.
Yukinoshita… save me…
"Hmph, only a few days?" Eriri scoffed, puffing her chest out with self-importance. She looked down her nose at him like a knight pitying a peasant. "Classmate, do you even know about the Spiral Abyss? Hmph~ For your information, I cleared the eleventh floor this cycle with my Keqing! Pretty impressive, huh?"
Before Hikigaya could even respond, Kasumigaoka tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, her voice dripping with smug superiority. "The eleventh floor? Really? That's all? I cleared the twelfth floor with my Raiden Shogun."
Eriri's jaw dropped. "Wha—?! The twelfth floor? No way! You've never cleared it before! Show me the record, or I'm not buying it!"
Utaha ignored her rival and instead turned her sharp gaze on Hikigaya. "So then, Air-kun… which floor have you cleared?"
"…Eh?" Hikigaya blinked. Air-kun? Is she… talking about me?
Hey! If you can't even remember my name, don't just give me some random nickname! Though… depressingly, it does kinda suit me.
"Hah! As if he's cleared anything," Eriri snorted, cutting in. "He's a total newbie. Probably doesn't even know the Abyss exists. Asking him's a waste of time."
Utaha smirked, tilting her head like a queen looking down from her throne. "How pitiful. Then take my advice, Air-kun—roll for Raiden Shogun next time."
"Tch, don't listen to her. Keqing's the better investment!" Eriri argued, jabbing a finger toward him.
"…," Hikigaya closed his eyes, sighing deeply. If he didn't stop them, they'd be at each other's throats again.
After a long pause, he finally spoke in the most casual tone he could manage.
"Actually… I've been full-starring the Abyss for two years now."
The classroom fell silent.