It's been twenty minutes since we came out into the courtyard, and the teacher asked us to do some exercises, including a bit of stretching — though the heat isn't exactly helping us stay motivated.
Some students have already sat down to rest, while others are struggling to finish the exercises, especially Mark, who hates any kind of physical activity.
A little further away, Andrea is trying to get permission from the teacher to play soccer.
He's always so excited whenever it's about avoiding studying…
I look around, hoping to see Lucas, but there's no sign of him.
I search for a while until I find him in the back courtyard, sitting on the steps with a cigarette between his fingers.
As I approach, the wind gently stirs his curls, making them sway under the sunlight. His expression is distant, as if his mind were elsewhere.
"You said you were going to quit smoking," I say, walking closer.
"I smoke less, if that's what you wanted to hear."
I sit beside him. Lucas holds out the pack of cigarettes, inviting me to take one, but I refuse with a small gesture.
"What did you want to tell me?" he asks, staring at a fixed point in front of him.
"…I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
I swallow nervously, running my fingers through the hair tied in my ponytail.
I want to find the right words, but it's so hard…
"What do you mean?"
"Um… I just wanted to know how you're doing, after what happened with him."
I keep my gaze fixed on the ground, searching for a way to continue, but his silence feels endless.
That conversation, which was supposed to sound natural, was starting to make me uneasy. I don't have the courage to look at Lucas, until I realize he's no longer sitting beside me.
"I'm fine. It's been a month now, and I think I've processed everything."
"I see… What did you tell Andrea?"
"He never asked me anything, you know that. I think he still believes I'm dating a girl."
"And are you okay with that?" I ask, finally raising my eyes to meet his.
"I'm fine with it as long as you are."
I didn't know why, but a faint anger started rising inside me. His words sounded more like he was trying to please me than giving a real answer.
"I don't understand you. What's supposed to make me fine? You know I've always wanted you to admit you like guys."
My hands are shaking, and my voice grows louder, more agitated.
The words spill out before I can stop them.
"You're the one who wanted to put yourself in this situation, so that everyone would think you like girls. What does that have to do with me?!"
Lucas stays still for a few seconds. Then he takes a small step toward me just one, yet enough to make me freeze.
He leans down slightly and places a hand under my chin, lifting my face a little higher.
"Sole, you don't understand. Let's drop this topic."
As he speaks, he gives me that same compassionate look that always irritates me.
I hate when he reacts like that, it makes me feel like I'm fragile, like someone who needs to be saved.
"I don't know what you mean, but you-"
"Should I stop getting close to Andrea?"
He lets his hand fall from my chin.
"Is that what you want?"
"Lucas, you and Andrea are good friends. I don't want you to stay away from him."
Frustrated, I grip the fabric of my jeans tightly. The conversation is taking a wrong turn.
"I just noticed you were watching him secretly a few times today… and I didn't like what I saw. I just wanted an explanation, that's all."
At first, Lucas seems surprised. Then, he lets out a sarcastic laugh.
The moment I hear it, my anger flares uncontrollably.
"I don't know what you think you saw. You're just imagining things."
"I know exactly what I saw! Why won't you admit it? I clearly saw the way you looked at him. I'm not crazy! Why don't you just tell the truth?!" I shout, my voice breaking.
I know he's lying, yet he keeps treating me like I'm stupid.
"I'm just being myself. I've always been like this, and you pretend not to know it.
Do you really want to hear the truth?"
My legs tremble, and my body stiffens. I'm afraid of what he's about to say.
I want to run away, to cover my ears, but I can't move, it's like I'm condemned to listen.
His tone stays calm, but I know every word that follows will cut deep.
"You're afraid of what Andrea might do, but you don't have the courage to face him.
So, for you, the easiest solution is for me to stay away from him. Don't you think it's time to deal with the consequences of your actions?"
After that sentence, my heart feels shattered into a thousand pieces.
The anger that had been consuming me slowly fades, replaced by a heavy weight pressing behind my eyelids, as if tears were about to break free.
Lucas lets out a long, tired sigh, like the sound of a door slowly closing.
He steps closer again and gently strokes my head.
"I'm sorry, Sole, for what I said. Really. You're right, I went too far. I'll stop, so you can feel at ease."
He leans forward a bit more and presses a kiss on my forehead.
Before I know it, I find myself wrapped in his arms.
"Please, don't be sad."
I don't have the strength to keep this conversation going, but I can't let him see me weak.
So I lift my eyes to him and force a faint smile.
"Alright… thank you for understanding."
Lucas smiles back, gives me one last kiss on the forehead, and steps away down the stairs.
"I'm going to play soccer with the others before the teacher starts complaining. See you later."
He waves at me, and I wave back.
I touch my forehead where his lips brushed against it. I can still feel the warmth and tenderness of it, and that should make me feel better…
Then why is there this knot in my stomach that I can't untie? As he walks away, tears blur my vision. I crouch down, resting my head on my knees, and begin to cry.
I should've felt relieved after what he said, and yet that heavy weight inside me remained oppressive, impossible to shake off.
In that moment, I couldn't know it yet, but from that day on, something inside me would be broken forever.