I started writing again. On a new sheet of paper. The older one sat near it on the table, staring at me with its bloody stare.
I started writing, but as I did, I cast a nervous look at the older one. You know that nervousness you feel when a teacher is peeking at your paper from behind? Even though you know what to write; you've practiced so hard, for so long; that one stare is enough to send your head into a jumble. And out of that confusion, you forget everything you wanted to say. So you just scribble something down, then sneak a glance at the teacher to see if she gives you that little nod, the kind that says, yes, my child, you're doing it right.
Well… I was feeling the same thing with that older paper and my new writing.
"Dear family…" I began. And then, confusedly, I rolled the pen between my fingers. Family? I don't even have that big of a family that can be called A FAMILY… I thought.
Hmm. I kept thinking, then took an embarrassed glance at the older one, like I was cheating in an exam, desperate for clues that might help me get started. I just needed a hint. Just one. But; ugh! voilà, I saw I hadn't written any salutation on that one either. Useless. No clue there.
"Ahhh… so should I write family?" I questioned out loud, hovering my hand over the paper and scratching my head absently with the other.
Family… hmm. I have a mother. I have a father. I have sisters. I have brothers. I have sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law. So… is this family? I thought to myself.
Uh-oh. Step-siblings. Which also reminds me of the second wife of my father. But no; I won't call her mother. Be it step or not.
What is step, anyway? What about this word actually clarifies that this woman is not MY mother, but only the love interest of a man who played a part in birthing me; my father? And the children he had with that other lady… well, do I even think I have any relation with them? Or do I???
Step… hmmm. Well, they are his wife and his children. All step for me. I have no objection; his life, his choices. Got nothing to do with me. Though his first wife… and my mother… I think she might be hurt pretty badly. After all, she served her whole life just to protect this so called family. The one I can't seem to get a hang of, even after all these years.
I think this step word, it's a pretty boring word to say that they are not related to me but related to me? Don't you think?
Ufff. Another overthinking spell. But I must say, I don't have any issue with them; especially not the kids, they're not at fault. But still… I cannot really call them family, can I??? But then again, does that mean my non-step siblings can automatically be called family either? Right? (At this point, the way I'm using step and non-step, I'll end up writing nonsense. Which, honestly, might fit better than anything else.)
So, returning to the point: in my dictionary, family is someone who loves you, protects you, supports you, worries about you, and is always there for you. Be it a blood relation or not. And even if they are step; if they really care about me; I wouldn't be able to create any sort of prejudice against them.
So… the question is: to whom am I even writing?
Like, family-family. As in just the word, the term, the legal bond that defines the family as a group of people bound together by law. Or the people who actually care for me, like in real terms.
Ahhh… my head is hurting at this point. I think it will turn to another useless effort.
Hmm.
I think … Let's change the question, shall we?
Who in the family might be most worried about me right now?
The one I need to write to?
Or the one who actually wants me to write to them…
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