Dec 1996 Christmas Eve at Jay's
Jay's house looked like a catalog spread. Perfectly placed wreaths, a tree that didn't dare lean, lights strung like soldiers at attention. If Norman Rockwell had money and a temper, this was it.
Claire waddled in first, eight months pregnant and muttering. "Phil, I'm carrying a watermelon. If you make one more comment about Christmas miracles, I will personally ensure you spend New Year's in traction."
Phil grinned, balancing three gift bags. "Honey, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Maybe baby Dunphy #3 wants to arrive with jingle bells."
Claire glared. "You're insufferable."
Hailey had already bolted for the cookie tray. DeDe swooped in, manicured hands snatching a napkin. "Don't ruin your makeup, darling."
Claire: "She's three, Mom."
I have been spending the last month focused on swimming lessons. Finally, something that didn't require me to interrogate grown-ups.
Mitchell stood at the pool, explaining the butterfly stroke with more seriousness than most trial cases. His enthusiasm to teach was much higher than I expected.
"Arms like this, Neil. No, not flailing—controlled! Think grace."
I kicked, half-focused.
Inner Monologue:
In my last life, I'd avoided pools. Germs, crowds, chlorine soup. No thank you. But this? This was Jay's backyard pool. Private. Clean. Untouched… until Hailey inevitably cannonballed in, screaming. So much for germ control.
Claire, watching from a chair, sighed in bliss. "This is heaven. He's too busy swimming to ask about Nasdaq. You won't be like your brother right, Alex?" Her hand over the 15' sphere that she called her stomach.
Phil, on the side, bellowed encouragement. "You're doing great, champ! Kick harder! Think of the water as a big balloon you're inflating with your feet! Push! push!"
Claire pinched her eyes shut. "Phil. Sometimes positivity is also exhausting. You should lie down to rest"
---
Interview
Claire: "Honestly? I was just relieved Neil wasn't grilling me on technology or asking if babies came from Amazon again."
Phil: "Swimming's important. You never know when you'll have to escape a shark. Or a deal gone bad. Same thing, really."
Hailey: "Canonball! *Splash!*"
Neil: "Class's over I guess"
---
*ring ring*
The doorbell. Jay excused himself, muttering about "incompetent staff," and returned with two engineers in polos. They carried ladders, toolkits, and a bulky box.
"Right this way, gentlemen," Jay said, leading them toward his office.
"New router installation," one explained. "Cisco. Latest model. Gets you online faster, more stable connection. Your accountant was right—you'll need it for email, contracts, taxes."
Jay squinted. "So it's a… what, again?"
"Router, sir. Think of it like plumbing. It routes information from one place to another. Without it, no internet at home."
Jay nodded, half-interested. "Plumbing for computers. Got it."
That's when I climbed out of the pool, dripping, towel over my shoulders. I saw the box. Heard the golden word. "Cisco." Like a devil's whisper. The words ringing in my ears.
My brain clicked.
I put a hand under my chin, tilted my head skyward—the Look.
The family groaned in unison.
Claire: "Oh no. Not the face."
Phil: "That's the thinking face! Quick, somebody distract him with candy canes!"
Mitchell: "Too late. We're doomed."
---
Inner Thought:
They know me too well. They should. Every time I make this face, someone ends up questioning their life choices.
---
I pointed at the ladder. "Grandpa. What's a router? Does it order things on computer like phone?"
Jay: 'Ah Shit. Here we go again-!' (CJ in the background)
The engineer chuckled. "Not exactly. Routers connect computers to the internet. Without them, no email, no online shopping, nothing."
I squinted. "So if router stop… internet stop?"
He nodded. "Pretty much."
I stacked my wet pool toys. "Router like pipe. If pipe is blocked, no water. If router is blocked, no internet. I get it."
Engineer: you don't, but whatever.
Jay froze. He remembered summer. Couple months back. My line: "If phone stop, order stop."
"Kid's got a point," he muttered. "Always predicting the doom"
Phil butted in: "So routers are like balloons, carrying information from house to house!"
Everyone ignored him.
---
Interview
Mitchell: "It's eerie. He's like a tiny tech oracle. And we all pretend not to notice how accurate he is in his inference of market and technology."
Jay: "I don't get routers. But if the kid says they're pipes, and the engineer says they're pipes, then maybe I should start listening. Closets are pipes for suits. Then. Routers are pipes for computers. Simple enough."
Claire: "Every time Neil gets that face, I get hives. Because I know I'm about to feel dumb."
---
Once the engineers finished, Jay slipped into his office and picked up the phone.
"Hey Marty. How are tou doin?"
"I'm fine too. I need some information. Check out a company called Cisco. They make routers. My accountant and… well, my grandson says it's important. Call me back with details."
The broker promised to dig.
---
Christmas Dinner
It smelled like heaven—roast turkey, mashed potatoes, too much wine. Phil led grace: "Dear Lord, thank you for family, food, and the miracle of birth." Blinking happily at Claire.
Claire kicked him under the table. Not here. My dad's here. Her eyes said.
Halfway through dessert, the phone rang. Jay stood, muttering, "It better not be telemarketers on Christmas Eve."
It was his broker.
"Cisco Systems," the voice explained. "Stock's around five dollars. Featured recently in Wired alongside Qualcomm. Fundamentals look strong—huge orderbook, leadership in routers. Undervalued right now. Solid company. It's already up quite a lot in last couple of years, but given its unique market position, its nowhere near. Surprising, how it went unnoticed so far."
Jay rubbed his chin. "So it's good?"
"Very good. Safe bet."
Jay returned to the table, relayed the highlights.
---
Inner Thought:
Qualcomm too, huh? They'll explode with smartphones someday. Not Cisco's meteoric rise pre-Y2K, but still a gem long term. I'll see to it when the time comes. For now, let's get the family to invest in my future. Don't want to miss the golden goose Just because I'm not old enough.
---
Family Investments - Dumchett Council
Phil's eyes widened. For once, he was serious. "So. undervalued… full orders… solid company. I say we go all in right now!!"
He turned to me, beaming. "Buddy, you're the real Santa this year. Forget toys—you just brought us gifts!"
Mitchell, sipping wine, chimed in. "Count me in for five thousand. Won a big case last month. I'd rather put it here than let the IRS snatch it."
The family clapped, congratulating him.
Claire's eyes narrowed at Phil. "So we're just letting everyone else invest while we sit here?"
Phil panicked. "No, no! Of course not, honey. Five thousand for me. Five thousand for you. Dunphy Double Down!"
Claire muttered, "You're impossible." But her smile betrayed her satisfaction.
Jay, shaking his head in amusement, said, "I'll put in ten. My broker says they're solid, and I trust my gut. And apparently, my grandson. To the family. Cheers 🥂"
---
Interview
Jay: "I don't buy into every fad. But I buy into things that work. If Cisco's making the pipes for the future, I want in."
Phil: "Neil is basically Santa. My lucky charm. Only instead of toys, he delivers stock tips. Best Christmas ever!"
Claire: "Phil mortgaged his ego to let me invest in my own name. That's… progress, I guess."
Mitchell: "It felt good. For once, I wasn't the only one in the family making a sound financial decision."
---
Calculations
Back at my seat, juice box in hand, I ran the numbers.
Inner Thought:
Grandpa: $10k.
Uncle: $5k.
Mom & Dad: $10k.
Total $25,000.
At $5/share, that's 5,000 shares.
Cisco hits $85 ODH before 2000 March. Good to start selling at $75; too much volatility in market after the 15x return.
25000$ x 15 = $375,000.
From routers and toddler questions to a small fortune. All because I asked why people shout on phones.
I grinned into my drink. I must get an Oscar for this performance. Oh! I remembered I should try movies too. Swimming alone is not enough.
What's the point of second life if you don't try to be a star.
"Anyway. Lets celebrate. The Dunphy Party just got its first gold chest."
---
Interview
Claire: "Christmas used to be about carols. Now it's about routers."
Phil: "Next year, I'm putting Neil on my holiday card service idea. Imagine Greeting cards on Internet." If only Phil knew about Neil's family WhatsApp group.
Jay: "The kid sees the future. I don't get how. But I'll take it."
Neil (smirking to camera): "Merry Christmas. Invest wisely."