After that, the dog went down the stairs to see Mei, who had been chatting with Jianyu and Mom for a while.
-Well, who's there? He's a very cute dog.
-Feng Yu brought him home yesterday. He was an abandoned dog on the street.
-It's true that he's always loved animals.
-Come on, Mei, I'll show you around.
I lay on my bed with my headphones on and the music on full blast, the manga in front of my nose, to do as if I hadn't heard them. I was too tired and it bothered me when I saw them.
-And this is Feng Yu's room.
-Hey! You let him have the whole floor?
-He's a child...who needs space.
Mom would come and snatch my headphones, and we could hear the music coming out of them for meters around.
-Are you still listening to that wild music? You could be more attentive to the world around you.
I smiled at Mei, sitting there, and he snickered to show that he didn't care. She would stop there, say she wanted to talk to me for a moment as a sign of the good old days, and sit next to me on the bed. I felt her hand rest on my shoulder and, turning my head, met her gentle gaze.
-I didn't say anything about your return to Muyang. I didn't have the courage...
-Oh...never mind. It's not like we parted on good terms.
I took it lightly, but it didn't seem that easy to her. She was probably hoping we'd get closer. Three years was nothing compared to the twelve we'd spent together, yet it was faster to lose her trust than to gain it. Her hand was clasping mine; she hesitated to squeeze it; she was probably afraid of scaring me away by acting like we'd never been apart...
-After you left, my son became...colder and more sensitive. I didn't like seeing him like that, so I tried to contact you many times, but then I learned about your father's death and I thought it was better to leave you alone.
-I'm sorry, at that time, Mom wanted to isolate herself. She even threw away my phone, haha.
-She threw it away...?
She looked at me, confused, and I kept my forced memory. I didn't know why she seemed so lost... then finally she grabbed my face in her hands and, moved, asked:
-You didn't ignore Muyang's calls, then?
-Well, as soon as we arrived in the capital, Mom bought me a new phone and a new card, so I no longer had her number...
She started whining, and I didn't know what to do. Grizzly in front of me rubbed his face against my leg, hoping to get cuddles, but I was too busy. In the end, I took him on my lap, encouraging Mei to cuddle him for comfort, which she happily did. Thank you, Grizzly...
She said, stammering:
-I was so scared. I thought you didn't want to talk to my son anymore, that he'd done something wrong, or that you wanted to cut ties...
-That was never my intention! Although things came together like this, I never wanted it...
-I have to tell my baby! You two have to become friends again.
I stared wide-eyed, lost, as she was already getting up to leave. Wasn't he at school at this hour? And I had no desire for her to tell him about it!
I gently grabbed her wrist, my glasses having fallen off my nose because of my sudden body movement, and I said embarrassedly:
-Auntie...I prefer to take my time.
Even if her mother keeps telling her it wasn't intentional, I still ghosted him for over three years. It will be hard to swallow hearing that I suddenly want to become friends with him again when he probably hated me, thinking I was ignoring him. It would be more reasonable to talk to him gradually and not rush him. I told her what I really thought, and she felt so bad, as if she was going to do something stupid. All I could do was walk her home and return with my umbrella and my raincoat, still damp from the day before.
-It's raining so much, we can't do anything quietly
Without realizing it, I found myself in the middle of the students leaving the nearby high school. I was actually going home just as they were leaving.
-My hair is soaked...
-You should have taken your umbrella, Yao.
I squinted behind my glasses as I saw curly black hair falling in messy bangs over that oh-so-familiar face. It hadn't changed physically at all. The same mole on his eyebrow, the same full, chapped upper lip that looked like a pout. I never thought I'd see that face again except in a photo. I was ready to give up, and now I've only been back three days and I run into you.
Without meaning to, my umbrella slipped from my hands and landed on the ground.
A kind boy in uniform helped me retrieve it when I lowered it...
-Be careful, sir, you'll end up soaked.
-Thank you very much...
Our eyes met... he looked like a big-eyed kid, just like me when I was in middle school. So he was Muyang's new friend; he had chosen to bond with someone who looked like me.
Strangely, it made my heart race.
He looked at me for a moment, soaking wet, but his face had just reddened at the touch of my hand.
-Hey, that guy under the raincoat is a bombshell.
-Your girlfriend's going to be jealous.
-No, but I was just saying...
I smiled when I heard that and hurried home. Grizzly jumped on my stomach, barking with happiness. Jianyu and Mom prepared my snack side by side. The atmosphere was really warm but will never replace that of my childhood, and it doesn't need to replace it. That's not the point; we just have to be happy with what we have... So why am I suffocating even though I know that? Why is my throat tight and my body itchy. My arms, my stomach, my neck, everything burns and scratches... I understood that day that it was better to be content with my current happiness rather than pursue one that is outdated and out of my reach. Seeing Muyang again now would be like entering his life for the first time Muyang wouldn't like the person I've become, and our relationship will be based on nothing but memories. The type of person he likes was my past self, but he's gone, so there's no point in going back to ruining his quiet, warm little life with someone cold like me.
If I told Muyang's mother to wait... it was probably because I never intended to speak to her again. I can't because it hurts so much.
Sitting in the middle of my room, the raincoat dripping on the floor, I hugged Grizzly because I was shaking like crazy. My whole body felt cold and frozen even though it was so warm despite the rain. I shivered with fear, with vulnerability in my own situation. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but my loneliness was becoming too heavy a weight to bear. I was terrified... I needed help from someone, anyone...
Grizzly licked my face as I began to scratch my arms until they bled under my short sleeves.
Seeing the blood from my cuts dripping down to my elbow and onto the floor, I got up to clean everything up and run my arm under the water. Bent over the wooden floor with toilet paper in my hands, soaked in my own blood, I felt like shit. I was in pain and I didn't know what I was doing anymore... I didn't have control of my body anymore and I didn't even know how to cry anymore... Was this blood like tears? It was also flowing because of my pain, wasn't it?
My arm continued to flow down to my hand and the dog barked like crazy. He understood better than I did what was happening...
I just had to hide and wait for it to pass. I'll grow up, once I'm an adult I'll leave... and far from here I won't be sad anymore. Very far from Dad, Muyang, and Mom.
I put bandages on my arm and washed my hands as many times as I could, but blood remained around my nails and was like the indelible trace of what I had just inflicted on myself.
I put on a long-sleeved T-shirt, went downstairs to eat, and went to bed as if nothing had happened, holding Grizzly close to me.
-Today we're both working, Feng Yu. Eat something ready-made from the supermarket if you don't feel like cooking.
-You never taught me how to cook...
I rolled my eyes after they left the house at 7 a.m. All night I'd stared at my blank wall with Grizzly's breathing against my chest as my only distraction.
I'd taped my hands to keep from scratching myself in my sleep...I didn't know why I used to do that, but I couldn't stand it anymore and I planned to end it soon.
In the meantime, I stayed in my pajamas and left the house with Grizzly on a leash. He needed to stretch his legs, and I needed help.
It was 7:00 a.m., so everything was closed, and there was no one there. Maybe a few students here or there crossing the street to get to school early and work...
To avoid running into anyone, I went to sit by the lake, where the mist was lifting and the atmosphere was blue. It was like a dream that only I could experience, with Grizzly, whose leash I had unclipped and he was skipping all around me.
I stood there staring at the gray lake, with tired eyes and dirty hair, but I was so... happy... compared to usual.
I felt empty but free. Freed from my pain as well as my pleasure, I felt as if my only happiness was that of my dog. It made me smile because if this dog was so happy, it was because I was too.
-Are the sticks good? Do you want me to throw you one?
He wouldn't let me take the one in his mouth, preferring to grab a second one and give it to me.
-You've never played fetch...do you at least know how to play it?
He would sit and listen to me as I mimed what he had to do. He hadn't understood a word of it and was just happy to see me talking to him until I threw the stick.
He must have thought I'd thrown away his present because he didn't seem very happy; he ended up bringing it back to me so this time I could keep it in my hand. When I started again, he would start to growl and go get me a new, prettier stick that I wouldn't be able to throw away.
The humid atmosphere had a slightly bitter taste, full of sweetness but without any sugar...a flavor I couldn't have experienced without knowing the real bitterness that suppresses all flavor right to the back of the throat.
-Where do you want to go now? Let's walk all day... look at pretty things together
He ran and I followed him, as if this leash were a rope pulling me towards his own happiness.
As soon as the supermarket opened, I bought him good things to eat that were different from what he usually ate. He would chase insects in the park, amused himself by following the lines drawn on the ground of the narrow streets and ran towards the other dogs who barked at him...haha. He had been rejected by the pretty white-furred dog. I laughed openly at him until he circled me and caught my legs in the leash.
At noon, I ate some tteok that I used to have with Muyang near the residential area where I lived. They were still as spicy but good...and Grizzly wanted to taste what I was eating, as usual.
I had warned him that it was spicy, and as soon as he licked it, he would pull a face and run everywhere.
-And there, Grizzly, that was where I lived with Mom and Dad
I stopped in front of my house, seeing an old gentleman at the window, and looked down, the good memories disappearing with the old image I had of this house. It was smaller and gloomier than I remembered. The garden was poorly maintained, and the soccer goals and children's slide were gone...
-Oh! Feng! My little egg, come here!
Mei waved her arm through the window of the neighboring house, that, however, hadn't changed. I raised my head to look at her, smiling, and she came to open the door for me downstairs.
Seeing the ton of bandages on my bloody arm, she turned very pale, but Grizzly made her color recover when he rubbed against her legs to ask for cuddles.
-Hello!
-Hello, my darling! Seeing you here is so delightful!
-Haha. I was walking Grizzly, I took the opportunity to see the neighborhood again~
-Well, the old people next door really don't maintain anything, so it's not very pretty. Don't be sad, it's still just as good here.
I genuinely smiled seeing her so nice to me, stroking my head. But it made Grizzly jealous, and he asked for more cuddles.
She gave him something to drink in a soup plate and made me some fresh lemongrass while I waited
-Did Grizzly bite your arm?
-No, no. It's a long story, but he's not to blame.
-Let me treat you better than that...what's this dirty work?
She quickly removed the stuck bandages and disinfected the wound before bandaging my arm. I felt so guilty...I was doing this to myself, and she had to treat me; I couldn't take care of myself...
I would drop my head on her shoulder, pouting, and she would turn all red in seconds.
-Well, are we having the baby now?
-I've always loved having the baby...
She didn't have the heart to let me down and would just give me a kiss on the head. It had been so long since I had felt the warmth of this home...it was like home...where I felt good...peaceful and serene
I closed my eyes, lips parted, while sniffing the familiar scent of their home. It was always the same on Muyang's clothes... sometimes she also permeated me. It made those few seconds unbearably sweet.
-You've become so calm, Feng Yu...you were always my excited little egg before...you were jumping everywhere, you were radiant like the sun...
-People change...even if they don't necessarily want to.
She would start to cry while acting like a lemon, and I couldn't contradict her. I would get up and go and hug her gently like a mother and son.
-I know...that it was your father's death that made you like this. It breaks my heart to see you so silent and distant...
-I'm sorry...please don't cry, Auntie. I want to see you smile. It's in the past, I'm still Feng Yu even if I don't bother you as much anymore
She dried her tears, planning to be strong in front of me. Although when we talked about my life in the city, she started crying again.
She told me about Muyang, how he had also changed, even if it was less obvious. He had many friends now, girls often came to ring the doorbell, and he would go out with them in the evening. He sometimes skipped classes and didn't come home until midnight...but he was always top of the class, so she let him. She hoped that with my return, I would improve his behavior, but revelation after revelation...I told her what I thought of our relationship.
In my hands was the cool glass of lemongrass, the condensation forming drops running down my fingers.
-I ran into Muyang...I didn't show my face, but I looked at him from afar...and I saw him smiling with another boy who looked like me. Well, who looked like the one I was before... I think I can't be who he wants me to be anymore; our friendship would only be based on the past, and that would be embarrassing...so...
-I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be friends again when I hurt him and he's already found refuge elsewhere.
These words echoed in my head like a betrayal of myself. Even Grizzly felt my pain and came to lean against me, squealing. Instead of telling me she understood, Auntie just stared at me with small eyes. She had absorbed my words but hadn't digested them.
She stood up and cleared my empty glass, saying softly:
-Before you leave, could you go take a look at Muyang's room, please? It's the last thing I'll ask you...and also...I'd like to continue taking care of you and for you to come see me from time to time like today...
-Of course. Just because I'm not as good friends with Muyang anymore doesn't mean we're strangers. And you have nothing to do with this, Auntie. You're still my second mother.
It was like walking through one of those endless dreams I lived while awake. Over the past three years, I've revisited the places that were dear to me, especially Muyang's house, in particular the path to his room, which I walked more than ten times a week...
I couldn't say goodbye to this place because I couldn't reveal anything about my departure. Now that I've grown up, I realize that my innocence was poison. I should have told Muyang about it; he surely would have waited for me and wouldn't have been hurt, believing I didn't know. There wouldn't have been any misunderstanding.
At the end of the corridor, I gently opened the door still bearing the paint stains and wear marks we'd left.
When he received this overboard for his 9th birthday and we tested it in the house despite his parents' disagreement. He had accidentally driven too close to the half-open door and drawn an unpainted line at the bottom...
When I opened the room, I found it a mess, something that was unlike Muyang. The decor had always been minimalist, so it hadn't changed; he'd just added more clutter and covered his walls with flags of a popular hip-hop group. He'd spread his dirty socks behind his door, and his trash can was overflowing under his desk.
I, who had become a real neat freak after starting to live alone in the city, started putting the dirty laundry in the basket in his room instead of on the floor and remaking his bed properly
I turned off his computer and sorted the piles of paper into stacks. I stuffed all the paper into the trash can to fit the other trash in and removed the potato chip bags from his chair, folding them at the zipper and leaving them in a corner. As I pulled a black T-shirt from the corner of his desk, I saw that there was a familiar frame, lowered... as I lifted it, I saw that the photo of me and Muyang had been replaced by a photo of him with his friend, probably on middle school graduation day.
I pursed my lips and smiled as I pulled up the photo and threw the T-shirt into the laundry basket...
In my room, there had always been that photo of the two of us, but he'd taken his down. I suddenly felt like an unloved loser.
How could I feel so sick? I scraped my fingers against my chest, gasping for air, and fell to my knees on the floor, large beads of sweat dripping from my face. Everything was a blur, as if dematerialized. I was beginning to wonder if reality could be that cruel and if this wasn't just a dream of my city self...
I grabbed my throat with my hands and squeezed it without even realizing it until I couldn't breathe at all. It took Grizzly barking to bring me back to myself.
Shit... I'd failed...
My heart was pounding as if it were about to burst out of my chest, and I felt like throwing up...
For a moment, I forgot who and where I was, having confused reality with some nightmare I'd had a year ago.
My head was spinning, and I made sure not to show my face when I greeted Aunt Mei. It was only outside the neighborhood that I could finally breathe.
At that moment, my breathing made a whistling sound, like a cry of agony, and I collapsed from trying to contain my anguish. A gentleman came to help me as best he could, but I had to get up and apologize. I was too afraid he'd take me to the hospital and they'd discover all sorts of injuries on my body.
I locked myself in my sheets, Grizzly in the middle of my curled up body. I was as if stunned by everything he had just thought, the only thought being that I was no longer Feng Yu. Who was Feng Yu? A little boy with a wild face, a frail body, and skin tinted by the sun. I am none of that, nothing! I feel like this body isn't mine, I want mine back. This one hurts, it's horrible... give me back my body...
I scratched myself to the pulpit, hoping to peel off the false skin covering Feng Yu. My mother had covered me in grime by opening my eyes to a cold, gray world. All that color from my childhood, where had it gone?! It had rotted in some sad corner of my head, contaminated by the hardness of the preconceived ideas that this world had instilled in me when I was so free.
No one should have the right to make someone suffer like this, no one...
I'm going to die, my whole body, my bones, my skin, all burns as if plunged into flames!
I abruptly raised my head and breathed deeply after getting out of my duvet, as if I were getting out of the water after nearly drowning.
Covered in blood from my chest to the sheets, I stared at the ceiling with glassy eyes trapped in a thick cloud.
For a moment, I really thought I was going to die...
I accidentally bit my forearms because I wanted to scream....a taste of iron invaded my bloody mouth.
-What did I just do...