I have an important mission for you, said Zelretch as he marched back and forth like a drill sergeant in front of a platoon of trainees "this mission will require the cunning to take advantage of any openings, the determination to face impossible odds, but most importantly, this mission requires that you be completely one hundred and ten percent expendable."
Zelretch stopped and turned to face the assembled retinue of the finest he could get his hands on under such short notice.
"You are to obtain a lock of hair from Lorelei Barthomeloi" said Zelretch gravely "I do not expect any of you to survive."
"Does this mission serve an actual purpose?" asked Shirou with a raised hand from his position in the gaudy little office as he looked around with a twitching eye.
Luvia honestly had to wonder about that. Sure the disco ball, colorful assortment of fluffy couches, and various lava lamps were all a little tacky but she really felt that Shirou was overreacting.
"We don't tolerate free thinkers here" said Zelretch with a dismissive wave of his hands "…lets just say that there will be several lives at stake with this mission."
"I see" said Shirou as a steel like determination entered his eyes.
As the three made their way out of the room Luvia couldn't help but stare at the back of the Emiya's head as a bead of sweat made it's way down her neck.
"So your boss is Zelretch?" asked the Edelfelt heiress with a twitch as they left the room.
Surprisingly alive and with no changes to their persons. At least no visible ones. Luvia made a mental note to have a quick check up for any sudden shifts in her personality when she returned home. In retrospect, that lifetime clause about events involving the 'manipulation of worlds' suddenly made a lot more sense.
It did not paint a pretty picture.
"Yes" said Shirou as he briefly turned around and pointed at the name tag on his new janitorial uniform. The white clothes, blue overalls, and big white cap with a big 'N' written on the front looked surprisingly normal on someone working directly under a man with a reputation as infamous as that of the second sorcerers. The only thing missing was a mustache.
The name tag read on the front read as:
'Nameless Minion of Zelretch: 'No Name.'
Warning: This person has lived in the presence
of the glorious Sorcerer Zelretch and has
potentially awakened protagonist powers.
Keep away from the hearts of young and
impressionable maidens at all times.'
Apparently those who worked under the fourth Dead Apostle Ancestor were not worthy of names.
"So much for finally getting my own ninja butler" mumbled Luvia with a slump. There was no way she was going fight over someone already claimed by Zelretch…
"Ninja?" asked Shirou with a raised eyebrow.
"Nothing! Nothing!" said Luvia as she waved her hands in front of her in panic "Nothing at all!"
She had so not meant to say that out loud!
"That was totally racial profiling" commented Shinji from his position behind them.
"Should you really be playing video games?" asked Luvia as she turned to face the wavy blue haired member of their group with a scowl "I thought you said that you have a job to do."
"This is my job" said Shinji as he focused on the game in his hands with an unnerving focus.
"Come again?" asked Luvia as she blinked at the blue haired young man.
"I play games" said Shinji as he turned to her with a smirk "and make money."
"What are you?" asked Luvia with a sniff "some sort of a man child?"
"You're just jealous" said Shinji his tone dripping with smugness.
"…No" denied Luvia as she looked away from him "of course not."
"Uh huh" hummed Shinji as he went back to his game with a small smile that left Luvia feeling as if she had somehow lost that argument. It was a feeling that she didn't like at all.
"So where are we going anyway Shero?" said Luvia as she turned to their redheaded companion.
"To the Vice Directors office" said Shirou causing Luvia to pause and stare at the redheads retreating back in uncomprehending horror.
"Are you insane?" asked Luvia in disbelief "Barthomeloi will kill you if she catches you! I thought we were just going to grab some random persons hair and be done with it!"
Did that idiot not understand just how much women valued their hair? Clearly not because he would be running away screaming right now if he had even the slightest clue as to how long women could spend in front of a mirror. To ruin all of that love and care was a death sentence of the grandest order deserving of nothing less than total annihilation. And that was just for normal women.
Female magi were far more petty than their mundane counterparts.
She really should have just turned around right then and there but a morbid sense of curiosity compelled her to continue on. Would the young man's death come in the form of riding crop or forbidden soul shattering spells of doom? Would it be instantaneous or prolonged for eternity?
Let it be known that one of the two true weaknesses held by all magi was an insatiable curiosity. The other weakness of course was mysteries.
"…Well, my core is twisted in madness, but I don't think thats particularly relevant right now" said Shirou as he paused to look back at her with a warm smile "besides, I have a plan."
It wasn't long before they reached the door to the office of the Vice Director of the Clock Tower. Oddly enough, there appeared to be an unusually large number of small holes in the door. With a shrug Shirou Emiya knocked on the door.
"You may enter" said an aristocratic voice from the other side of the door "so long as this is not a waste of my time…"
The three entered the spacious office and found themselves in a room with yet another Wizard Marshal of the Mage's Association in a single day. The brown haired women who didn't look to be any older than her mid twenties glared up at them from her spot behind her desk.
"Vice Director" said Shirou as he gave a small formal bow "…I have come for your hair."
"…What?" asked Lorelei Barthomeloi as she stared at the young red haired man incredulously.
And Luvia found her jaw hanging at the sheer audacity of her soon to be eviscerated associate.
"I have come for your hair" repeated Shirou as he projected a pair of scissors and stepped forward menacingly towards the Queen of the Clock Tower. His path was swiftly blocked by the Edelfelt heiress.
"I thought you said that you have a plan!" accused Luvia as she turned to the redhead panicking at their coming demise.
"This is the plan" said Shirou as he turned to Luvia with a raised eyebrow and projected a comb "within these mighty scissors of mine are the skills of the greatest hair stylists the world has ever known. Considering how much girls care about their hair, failure is not even a possibility with this once in a life time offer at stake."
…Was it wrong that she wanted to strangle him so very much?
"…Is it wrong that I want to strangle you so very much right now?" asked Luvia as she nearly slumped to the ground.
"Prepare yourselves" announced Lorelei as she glared at them from behind her desk "for your imminent doom."
"Will that really be necessary" asked Luvia waving a hand in front of her face nervously with a tight laugh as beads of sweat made their way down her face "I think that this is all just one big misunderstanding."
"Not really" said Shirou as he stared intently at the sitting form of the Queen of the Clock Tower "my boss told me to obtain a lock of your hair and I will not fail with the current stakes."
"Oh?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she narrowed her eyes at the impudent redhead "and who exactly is this boss of yours?"
"I work under Zelretch" said Shirou as gold eyes met brown orbs.
"I see" said Lorelei with a small nod of her head before placing two completely innocuous objects on the desk in front of her "…I think I will go ahead and kill you all now. You may select the instruments of your deaths between this tea cup or this can opener. Choose wisely."
That sounded… slightly more ominous than any of Luvia's previous expectations.
"…Did you just threaten to kill us with cooking utensils?" asked Shirou sounding very unamused as he glared at the Vice Director of the Clock Tower.
Luvia was concerned. She honestly couldn't tell if Shirou was more vexed about the death threat or the idea of cooking tools being used for the art of murder. That scared her more than she wanted to admit.
Fortunately a synthetic voice chose that moment to enter the conversation drawing the attentions of the redheaded magus and the two female magi.
'Congratulations! New High Score!'
"What are you doing" asked Lorelei with a glare as she turned to face the blue haired magus causing the young man to pale.
"…My job" said Shinji as sweat ran down his face "I'm alpha testing a video game where you go around killing zombies and vampires."
"…Kill vampires?" asked the Lorelei Barthomeloi with a small twitch as she stiffened.
"Yes" answered Shinji apparently sensing an escape like the slippery little weasel he was "lots of them. Very brutally I might add."
"And how exactly do these… video games was it?… work again?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower of the blue haired young magus as she stood up "you have my complete and fully undivided attention. If you dare to waste this rare opportunity I will ensure that you suffer a thousand deaths each more painful than the last."
"Well-" said Shinji with his face holding a clammy complexion as he started to lecture the leader of the Clock Towers conservative faction on the virtues of video games and their many, many uses for slaying vampires.
And for a moment Luvia actually considered assisted suicide VIA Vice Director. Sure it would probably be painful if the Vice Director still felt the need to employ tea cups and can openers, but at least she wouldn't have to suffer through this… this… whatever this was. The term insanity simply wasn't adequate enough anymore and she honestly doubted that there was a word in any language for whatever this was.
"-and that is the basics on how console games can be used to simulate brutally killing the undead abominations with cleansing holy fire" said Shinji nodding his head emphatically "naturally there is far more to this than just that but this should be enough to cover the bare basics."
"I have changed my mind" said the Vice Director nodding to herself as she plucked a hair and then pulled out a small box from under her desk "…these video games you speak of appear to be integral to the future of the Mage's Association and the Barthomeloi in our eternal war against the retched children of the moon kingdom. We will speak more on this in the future. Do you understand me?"
This got a large nod from Shinji as he looked fearfully at the brown haired women.
"And you said that this was for Zelretch?" asked Lorelei with hair in hand as she turned to face the redhead in the room with an icy smile that made Luvia and Shinji freeze up on instinct. Obviously the Emiya who glared back fearlessly with eyes of molten steel did not have such survival instincts and was doomed to become an evolutionary dead end.
"…Yes" said Shirou as he eventually walked up to the women and accepted the ornate wood container.
"Now leave" commanded the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she pulled out several unusually sharp looking writing quills "…I have important business vital to the Association that must be attended too."
The triad turned around to exit the door… and paused.