Change – 3
"Lady Na! I truly love you! From long ago—even before I ever met you!"
Clenching my fists tight, I forced out the words with burning eyes.
At last, I had spoken my true feelings. My heart pounded wildly in excitement.
Then I let out a heavy sigh.
"Ah… will that sound too ridiculous? Maybe I shouldn't say I loved her even before we met."
Before going to find Lady Na, I had slipped away to a secluded clearing, agonizing over what words to use in my confession.
"How about this then? Lady! To my eyes, you are the most beautiful woman in the world! More than Lady Cheong-yeon! More than Lady Tang, far more!"
But after saying it aloud, I shook my head.
"No, no… no matter how much I love her, that just sounds like a lie. Should I say instead that looks aren't important, that I fell for her kind heart?"
I had already tested dozens of lines, but none felt right.
All of them felt childish, or overly contrived.
Letting out another sigh, I thought,
"Am I even supposed to be doing this at all?"
The confidence that had filled me when my eighty years of cultivation surged through my body… was leaking away like air, leaving nothing but bare bones.
Internal energy and courage, it seemed, were two entirely different things.
The more I thought about it, the less I could believe that Lady Na would ever accept my confession.
But was that sober self-reflection? Or just the cowardice of a man shriveling away in fear? I couldn't even tell.
Worst of all, if I confessed and failed… things might become unbearably awkward between us.
I sighed again and muttered,
"Maybe… I just shouldn't do it?"
The words slipped out without thought.
But the moment I said them, they loomed over me like a powerful temptation.
Yes.
If I did nothing, then nothing would change.
I could continue with her exactly as before.
Just watching her from the side.
Just worrying about her quietly in my heart.
Nothing would change at all.
Just like before…
It was then that I realized I had slumped to the ground without noticing.
And only then did I understand the real problem.
I was trying to run away.
From an unpredictable, frightening future.
From the change that could shatter who I was now.
And it was a feeling far too familiar to me.
I laughed bitterly and muttered,
"Ha… this is just like the old Seonu Jin from my past life, isn't it?"
Yes.
It was exactly the kind of thought my former self would have had—
The cowardly, piggish Seonu Jin who gave up acting out of fear of the unknown.
"Fuuuuuuh…"
I took a deep breath.
At last, my mind felt clear.
Maybe whether my confession succeeded or failed didn't matter at all.
What mattered was whether I could make it.
Whether I could stand tall before her and speak my heart.
To trust myself, to face my fear on my own two feet.
That was what I truly needed.
If I couldn't do that, it wouldn't matter whether I stayed in the Seventh Squad or moved to another.
Wherever I was, I'd always only be able to watch her from behind.
I leapt to my feet.
And began walking.
Toward where Lady Na would be.
Even if I didn't confess, it was fine.
I just wanted to stand in front of her, meet her eyes properly, and speak to her.
I didn't want to let this realization slip away.
Thinking that, I soon found myself standing before the women's quarters of the Seventh Squad.
"Fuuuh…"
I took a deep breath.
Realizing the problem didn't mean the fear was gone.
I was still terrified. I wanted to crumble to the ground again.
But this time, I could move forward.
No—I had to.
Carefully, I knocked at the door.
Knock knock knock!
From inside came Lady Cheon Jueun's voice.
"Yes? Who is it?!"
I swallowed hard.
Then squeezed my eyes shut and spoke.
"It's Seonu Jin. Is Lady Na inside?"
I had said it.
I had asked for her.
My heart pounded madly.
The door opened at once.
Creaaak!
For a moment, I thought my heart would stop.
"Seonu Gongja?"
But whether it was fortunate or unfortunate, it wasn't Lady Na.
It was Lady Cheon, peering at me with wide, round eyes.
"Seo-yu unni went to headquarters just now. It seems her family sent word."
"O-oh, really?"
So Lady Na wasn't here. The strength drained from me.
I felt crushing disappointment—yet also a strange sense of relief.
Then Lady Cheon opened the door wide and said,
"You could come in and wait if you'd like."
I hurriedly waved my hands and shook my head.
"No, no. I'll just head to headquarters myself."
And I set off toward headquarters.
I was afraid, but I couldn't give up now.
If I missed this chance, who knew when I'd have the courage again?
It had to be today. I had to speak with her today.
And in a way, meeting her outside rather than at her quarters might be better.
At least then no one else would be watching.
With that thought, I was walking toward headquarters when I suddenly saw someone running fast in my direction.
The woman branded deepest in my heart through two lives—Lady Na.
Gulp.
I froze in place.
All my resolve scattered. My mind went blank.
I wasn't ready—and yet she was rushing toward me.
She was even calling my name as she ran.
"Seonu Gongja!"
I snapped into stiff attention and answered reflexively.
"Y-yes, ma'am!"
She stopped before me.
No one else was around.
It was just the two of us.
Now—I had to speak.
"L-Lady Na!"
My mouth, broken like a jammed contraption, forced the words out.
I was about to continue when—
"Seonu Gongja! I have to hurry back to my family home!"
"Huh? Y-you mean… your family home?"
As I processed her words, I finally took in her expression.
Until now, I had been too dazed to notice.
But Lady Na's face was stricken.
She looked urgent—her eyes were even brimming with tears.
On the verge of breaking down, she poured out her words:
"My father is gravely ill! His last letter said nothing of it, so I don't know what's happened so suddenly… I've taken leave. A whole month, though I don't know how long I'll truly need. With Squad Leader gone on the search, I know I shouldn't leave as well… ah, this really isn't right. What should I do?!"
Hearing her frantic words snapped my mind back into focus.
I knew what I had to do.
I calmed her gently.
"Lady Na, it's all right. Don't worry about anything—just go. The search won't take Squad Leader too long. And even if it does, I'll handle everything here."
"…Seonu Gongja."
Seeing her face soften a little, I smiled.
"Trust me, Lady Na. I'm an in-demand talent these days, you know—squads left and right are trying to make me a leader or vice leader. Nothing will happen here. I'll explain to the others, so go to your father without worry."
At last, she seemed calmer. She dabbed at her tear-brimmed eyes and said,
"Thank you, truly. Then I'll just pack my things and go."
"Yes. Travel safely, Lady Na. Care for your father well, and when he recovers, return to us."
Lady Na immediately sprinted back toward the quarters.
She looked utterly desperate.
Watching her retreating figure, I thought,
Maybe this can't be helped. Maybe it's heaven's way of saying—it just isn't the time yet.
***
"Haa… haa… damn, I'm dying here. Looks like Squad Leader isn't coming back today either?"
Beaten black and blue from sparring with me, Bi Sa-yeong lay sprawled flat on the ground when he suddenly asked that out of nowhere.
I chuckled and answered,
"Well, it's only been two days."
Panting for a while longer, he asked again,
"So Lady Na's coming back in a month?"
"That's the length of leave she was given, but it depends on her father's condition. Why? Miss fighting Squad Leader and Lady Na after crossing swords with me so much?"
He flinched as though I'd hit the mark, then quickly cleared his throat and said,
"Ahem, well… not exactly. I just think it's better to spar with a variety of people, that's all."
Since returning to the front, Bi Sa-yeong had been training furiously.
Clearly, he wanted to catch up to Brother Hwa Yeong-bin.
So I had taken him seriously too, matching his drive in earnest. But seeing him pine for other opponents… it seemed the monotony was getting to him.
As he lay staring blankly at the sky, he suddenly asked,
"By the way, does that mean we can take up to a month off for leave now?"
"Yeah. Sword Saint himself changed the rules. Regular leave can now be up to three weeks, and for family matters, up to a month."
Sa-yeong whistled in admiration, then groaned regretfully.
"Man, if only our leave hadn't passed already. We could've taken three weeks off instead of just one."
I snorted.
"What's there to regret? Don't forget, Squad Five was supposed to take leave during our mission, but had to keep postponing because of our dispatch. And then the Iron Fiend mess happened."
"Hm… I guess that's true."
In the single month we'd been away, Sword Saint—Lady Cheong-yeon's father—had changed much at the front.
One of those changes was the leave policy: originally capped at a week, it was now extended up to a month.
Thanks to Mayu-gyeom's concession, we'd gone in Squad Four's place and only got a single week. But starting with Squad Five, everyone after us could take three whole weeks.
Unfortunately, Squad Five had lost too many members to the Iron Fiend crisis. Their leader, Dok Su-gwang, was out on the Iron Fiend search too. Their leave was delayed again.
His face came to mind—Squad Leader Dok Su-gwang, who had never hidden his disdain for me.
I didn't like him either, but somehow I felt sorry for him.
Because I understood that the way he treated me or Squad Leader Seol Poong was nothing but a show of inferiority.
Aside from that flaw, he was actually a leader trusted by his men.
I wondered suddenly,
It's been two days already… I hope Squad Leader Seol Poong's getting along with him on this search.
It had been two days since the Squad Leaders left to track the Iron Fiend.
Which also meant it had been two days since Lady Na hurried home.
Nothing much had happened since.
Even without our Squad Leader, we carried on as usual—training, patrolling, maintaining the rhythm of life at the front.
Except for one thing gnawing at me.
My gaze shifted to where Bae Jong-gwan and Lady Cheon Jueun were sparring nearby.
Both had grown a lot since the last mission.
The problem was, that was all.
There were only four of us actively training now.
Sa-yeong remarked casually,
"Looks like Lady Hae isn't coming out today either."
"Yeah. Seems so."
The issue was Lady Hae Cheong-yeon.
Something was clearly off with her.
Whether on patrol or during downtime, she was always lost in thought, speaking barely a word.
Even when asked something, her replies were clipped and perfunctory.
She hadn't even been joining training. Lady Cheon Jueun had quietly confided her worries about it to me.
I thought for a moment, then muttered,
"Guess I'll have to go talk to her myself."
She'd entered the front with me. And of all the squad, I had known her the longest.
Sa-yeong gave me a sidelong look, then smirked.
"You seem pretty full of confidence these days."
I blinked.
"Me? Confident?"
"Yeah. You always hated stuff like that—reaching out to people first. With enemies you're merciless, but with friends you'd treat them like fragile glass. Back then, even being close to Lady Cheong-yeon, you never would've thought to approach her about her problems yourself."
Did I really used to be like that? I wondered.
And then admitted—he was probably right.
I had always feared clashing with those close to me.
At the Seonu clan, I'd feared conflict with family and friends. On the front, I'd feared conflict with squadmates.
Because I was always afraid that the few people I had might drift away from me.
So I'd hovered, never reaching out first.
Even in my past life, I chose to play the fool rather than quarrel with my brothers.
I had thought myself changed in this life. But maybe, when it came to people, I hadn't changed that much at all.
Losing my mother so young… then watching people leave me, again and again.
At the Seonu clan, at the front—in my past life, I had only ever lost people.
No wonder I'd lived in constant fear of losing those beside me again.
But now…
If something had shifted, even a little, maybe it was because I'd resolved to confess to Lady Na.
Even if I hadn't done it yet, the decision to face my fear must have influenced my actions.
I chuckled and asked Sa-yeong,
"Why? Think I'm acting cocky?"
For once, he shook his head with a serious look.
"No. You finally look good. Like you've shed a shell. You're a guy with nothing to be ashamed of—you're smart, handsome, and strong. It didn't fit, watching you so insecure, always worried about others. I used to think, 'This guy must've been really starved for affection in life. Even though I suffered like hell, at least my brothers always loved me. Maybe he never even had that.'"
"…"
It was the first time I'd ever heard anyone talk about me that way.
A friend, telling me something so raw and true.
It pierced my chest like a blade, hurting—and yet it felt like release.
He went on,
"You've got every right to be arrogant. You're a damn fine man. You've got friends now too—people who like you and cheer for you. You're not alone anymore."
Something welled up inside me, thick and overwhelming.
His words—that I wasn't alone anymore. That gaze, so earnest.
It was so warm, I couldn't even reply.
I just stood there, staring blankly at him.
Flustered, he scratched his head, then got to his feet.
"Well, that's enough rest. Time to train again. Hey, Jong-gwan! Lady Cheon! How about a two-on-one match with me?"
With that, he hurried away, looking like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin.
But I stayed there for a long time, unmoving.
I wanted to hold onto that warmth as long as I could.
And I thought,
How lucky I am to have come back. To have returned, so I can save my friends this time. How very lucky indeed.
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