It was a chilly autumn day, with a gentle drizzle falling.
Manaka and Takuma walked home from school together.
"It's been a while since we've been to your house, Manaka."
Manaka felt heavy-hearted. She'd been turning down Takuma's visits lately, but it was becoming unnatural to keep refusing, so he'd eventually worn her down.
By the way, Takuma had recently started working part-time.
He said it was to save up money for living alone after college. His daily shifts meant their dates had become less frequent. Today, he had a rare day off, so they were walking together under their umbrellas toward the Shito family home.
"Let's move out together, Manaka."
"Huh?"
"Live alone."
"...Yeah."
"Want to live together?"
"Not that again."
Takuma's proposal was tempting.
Once they went to university, their lives would undoubtedly become freer, and they'd have much more time together. From childhood friends to lovers. From lovers to... the next step—a new stride forward.
"If that's the case, I'll have to get a part-time job too."
"Oh, that's fine. Wanna come to my workplace (our place)?"
"Even though it's just a part-time job?"
"Hahaha!"
A conversation with my lover about our future. If it comes true, we're definitely in for a happy life. We'll probably argue now and then, but we'll enjoy the peaceful, bright days of our daily routine.
If I leave this house...
I'll have to part ways with my mother, father, and Marin. And him too—
The thought sends a sharp pang into the soft depths of my heart.
Is it loneliness?
No.
Is it happiness?
No, not that either.
Then is it guilt?
The guilt of abandoning them. The guilt of leaving him, who had multiple mothers and grew up without knowing his family—
No.
No.
That's a lie.
We're just pretending to be a family.
Really... I—
"Manaka?"
"Huh?"
"What's with you? This is your own house."
Hearing the call, Manaka stopped several steps behind Takuma, who had halted in front of the Shito family's nameplate.
*****
"Hey, Ryosuke."
"Ah, Nii-san. Long time no see."
Takuma and Ryosuke exchanged cheerful greetings in the Shito family hallway.
It should have been a heartwarming scene.
...How can he make that face?
Ryosuke's expression was perfectly normal.
As if nothing had ever happened, he showed no awkwardness toward Takuma, nor any smugness. It was as if he simply didn't care—
Could he really...?
Was he truly devoid of any emotion?
Takuma's understanding of his younger brother was slipping further away. The closer he tried to get, the more incomprehensible Ryosuke became.
It was terrifying, yet he couldn't tear his gaze away.
"What's wrong, Manaka?"
Takuma was about to head upstairs when...
"Are you okay today? You seem distracted."
"N-no, I'm fine."
Compared to Ryosuke, who was younger than him, Takuma couldn't hide his agitation. He felt pathetic.
"Maybe it's just because it's cold," Ryosuke said with a bright smile.
"Nee-san's always been cold-blooded."
"Ah, right..."
Takuma wasn't the type to notice small details. He probably wouldn't even realize how Manaka's fingers were freezing in this autumn rain.
"Should I make something warm to drink?"
"N-no, it's okay. Let's just go, Takuma."
I couldn't bear to look at Ryosuke any longer.
Of course, I didn't want Takuma to find out about my relationship with Ryosuke. But a part of me, selfishly, wished he would notice how miserable I was. Even if it meant everything would fall apart, at least I'd be free...
I'm the worst...
Manaka followed her childhood friend, still in his uniform, up the stairs, her spirits sinking.
When they entered the room, Takuma settled heavily onto the floor, leaning against the bed.
"Did you get into a fight with Ryosuke?"
"Huh?"
"You seemed pretty distant earlier. But you're lucky, you know—sibling squabbles and all that."
"What's lucky about it?"
"It's proof you have a good relationship."
"...Ugh."
In this case, Takuma was the victim, even if he didn't realize it.
Manaka was well aware that she was the one causing the harm—but hearing it so casually still left her with mixed feelings. The timing was just too bad.
I'm really too selfish...
"Um, so... actually..."
"Hmm?"
"――――"
I couldn't bring myself to continue. There was no way I could tell this innocent lover that I was having sex with Ryosuke every night.
"S-something like that. We got into a fight."
Making up an excuse, I moved slightly away from Takuma and sat down.
Even though my younger brother had made advances on me—no, if someone were to press me and ask if Manaka had completely rejected him, I couldn't deny it outright. Besides, it was I who invited him into my room every night...
I feel something for Ryosuke...
What must he think of me? He's definitely not just a younger brother. It's not romantic love, either. Yet calling it merely a physical relationship... I was too drawn to him for that.
I tried to focus on my schoolwork for a while, but my mind kept wandering.
Manaka glanced at Takuma.
"Ugh... I can't take it anymore."
The boy, who hated studying, had already given up and was climbing onto Manaka's bed with a grumble.
"Hey, Takuma."
Her heart skipped a beat. Last night, she had been held by Ryosuke on this very bed. Now, Takuma was sprawled out there without a shred of restraint.
"I've been busy with work lately, so let me just sleep for a bit."
"..."
He turned his back to her and started to fall asleep.
At least...
At least if Takuma would just hold her, she might be able to dispel this lingering unease.
"Me too."
Manaka removed her school blazer and slipped into bed quietly. She nestled against her childhood friend's broad back and whispered his name.
"Hey, Takuma."
"Mmm..." he mumbled sleepily, not even turning to look at her.
Takuma still craves Manaka, but only when his mood is stirred. He crashes into me with frenzied intensity, desperate to release the pent-up tension. I love his reckless passion, but right now, I feel a little lonely.
My hands are cold.
Even curled up on the futon, my body remains frozen to the core. But if I can feel his warmth like this, surely...
Tap, tap.
The sound jolts my drifting consciousness back to alertness.
"–?!"
My eyes snap open, and I glance toward the door, but...
No, that's not it.
It wasn't a knock at the door. Yet it wasn't a hallucination either. The sound was unmistakably clear.
The wall.
Someone had tapped on the wall.
The beds in this room and the next are positioned right across from each other, separated only by the wall. Ryosuke's room is right next door.
The children's room on the second floor had walls that seemed to have been added later; they were thin. The structure was such that any noise made in one bed would carry clearly to the next—meaning Ryosuke and his lover's every intimate moment was always audible.
So today, too, the sound of Takuma and Manaka climbing into bed must have carried to the next room. And that's when Ryosuke—
Even though Takuma's here...
It was insane.
But since it wasn't through the door, he probably wasn't actually planning to barge in. Then what was he trying to do?
Could he be... calling to her?
To leave Takuma and go to Ryosuke's room?
The mere thought made my blood run cold. There was no way she'd do something like that. Takuma was already beginning to snore... How could she?
But what if he called again?
If that wall is knocked on again...
"..."
Even when I strain my ears, there's no sound.
I should be relieved. I must have misheard before. Or even if there was a sound, it probably meant nothing.
My heart is pounding so hard it hurts.
My hands and feet are still cold, but the back of my throat feels strangely hot.
(――――...)
Despite my confused thoughts, I find myself slipping out of bed. Carefully, so as not to wake Takuma, I put my feet on the floor.
(I shouldn't be here... I'm not like this...)
I don't even know who I'm trying to justify myself to.
My legs feel unsteady, but I'm drawn to the door like a magnet. In the quiet room, my racing heart is the only loud sound.
"..."
Once, just once, I decide to glance back at the bed.
If only Takuma would wake up and stop me here, I feel like I could return to normal. But even now, I'm still trying to delegate this decision to someone else. How pathetic.
Please...
I murmured inwardly as I glanced over my shoulder. On the bed, his head was turned toward me, completely asleep.
In that instant...
A profound sense of relief flooded Manaka's chest.
What was I just... asking him to 'please' do?
I wanted him to stop me. That's what I was thinking. That's what I...
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