Murong Jin sat in the rattan chair, staring blankly at the empty courtyard. Sunlight glinted off the flagstones, stinging her eyes.
Xue Qi used to run here after his nap. The courtyard had once been filled with flowers, but when she moved in, she had cleared a space for him to play.
"What are you looking at?" Xue Liulan came up behind her, bending down.
"The sun is so bright today. If Qi'er were here, he would be playing."
Xue Liulan's smile froze. His hand hovered over her shoulder, unable to touch her.
It had been half a month since she woke. She spent her days staring out the window or standing in the courtyard with her eyes closed. Her wounds were healing, and she had resumed her morning sword practice. But every time she finished, she would look at the small stool under the eaves.
Xue Qi used to sit there, waiting for her. Then they would eat breakfast together.
Now, that was all gone.
"Don't think about it anymore. You haven't fully recovered. Qi'er would be sad if you hurt yourself." He scooped her up and carried her inside.
She curled into his arms, silent. Then she spoke, her voice ghostly.
"Why?"
"Hm?" He stopped, looking down at her.
"Why didn't you come in time that day?" She looked up, staring into his eyes. "Why was court delayed that day, of all days?"
His brow furrowed. He understood the implication. He ignored the question, placed her on the bed, and reached for the medicine on the table.
She watched him, tears welling in her eyes.
"Xue Liulan, tell me why." Her voice was flat, calm as a dead lake.
"Why do you think?" He gripped the medicine bottle, his knuckles white, forcing a smile.
She lowered her eyes. "I don't know."
"Don't know, or don't want to say?" His gaze fell on her trembling hands. A suffocating pain seized his heart.
She bit her lip, her fingers shaking harder.
He walked over and set the bottle on the edge of the bed. "It's time to change the dressing."
"Hm?" She looked up, and the tears spilled over.
"Why are you crying?" He cupped her face, smiling gently. "Do you think your husband is so cold-blooded? Even a tiger doesn't eat its cub."
Her tears fell faster, landing on her hands.
He panicked, pulling her head to his chest. "Tell me. What are you thinking?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She clung to him, burying her face in his robes. "I failed to protect Qi'er. I am useless."
"It's not your fault. You were injured." His heart felt like it was being stabbed.
"If I had held on a little longer… Or maybe I should have jumped into the pond with him." Her voice suddenly steadied.
He sucked in a cold breath.
"Murong Jin, this was a trap." He gripped her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Don't take the blame."
"But it is my fault! I am his mother! I watched him being thrown in! He was right there, calling for me! And I just lay there!" Her hands clawed at his lapel. "He was calling for his mother! And I couldn't get up!"
She spoke faster and faster, her eyes losing focus, her pupils dilating as the nightmare replayed in her mind.
"Murong Jin!" He grabbed her hands, holding her shaking body.
"Qi'er… Mother is sorry… Mother is sorry…" Her voice dropped to a whisper, repeating the words like a mantra.
"You were hurt because of me. If anyone is to blame, it is me. Xue Liulan." He said it solemnly.
"No. No." She shook her head.
"If I hadn't argued with you, I would have been by your side. If I hadn't listened to those ministers, I would have left court earlier. I could have saved him. Murong Jin, it is my fault." Tears ran down his face.
"Not your fault. No." She reached up frantically to wipe his tears. "It's me. I failed him. Do you think… he's scared, all alone?"
She asked it seriously, then paused, thinking.
He was stunned. Before he could answer, she nodded.
"He's so small. Without his mother, he must be scared."
"Murong Jin, Qi'er is a brave boy. He isn't scared. He… he would want his mother to live well." He squeezed her hands. "So, for Qi'er, you must live."
"Without Qi'er, why should I live?" She gave a desolate laugh.
"For yourself." He gritted his teeth, staring at her. "I know I'm not enough reason for you to live. But do it for yourself."
"Myself?" Her eyes were blank.
"Yes. You have never lived for yourself. Start now." He wiped the tears from her face.
She just stared at him, unblinking, unresponsive.
He sighed and began to change her dressing. But her words echoed in his mind.
He must be scared without his mother.
If she sought death, what would he do? Follow her? Perhaps that would be a good ending. At least they would be a family again.
In the Imperial Study, Little Dingzi announced Li Yan.
"Your subject greets the Emperor." Li Yan bowed, stealing a glance at the listless Emperor.
Xue Liulan sat with his chin in his hand, tapping the table rhythmically.
"Your Majesty?"
"Oh, Minister Li. Sit." He pointed vaguely at a chair.
"Is Your Majesty worried about the Empress?"
"Yes." Xue Liulan nodded and recounted their conversation. "I'm afraid she won't make it through this."
Li Yan sighed. Half a month, and she still hadn't emerged from her grief. The iron general was broken.
"Perhaps Your Majesty should move the Empress from Zhaoyang Palace? Everything there reminds her of the prince."
"She refused." Xue Liulan rubbed his temples. He had tried to move her to his chambers. She wouldn't leave the place where her son's memory lingered.
Li Yan fell silent.
"Right. Why are you here today?" Xue Liulan took a deep breath, forcing himself to focus. He still had to deal with Guo Shangzhong.
Li Yan hesitated, then pulled a memorial from his sleeve and placed it on the desk.
"This is a joint petition from the ministers, submitted this morning."