I was sitting in the living room with my mom when her phone rang. It was my stepdad. She answered quickly, smiling like she always did when it was him. At first, I didn't care. I was half on my phone, half staring at the TV, not really paying attention.
But then I heard him say something. His voice wasn't clear, but it was enough. I caught the words "the kids… moving in… all of us together."
My heart stopped.
His kids?
Here?
It felt like the ground opened beneath me. My chest grew heavy, my stomach twisted, and I couldn't breathe right. I didn't even know he had kids. Nobody told me. And now, out of nowhere, they were coming here? To live with us?
It felt like my whole life flipped upside down in seconds. I had just started to feel a little peace, a little distance from everything that broke me before. And now the same man, the same shadow, was being brought back into my world, with even more weight attached to him.
When the call ended, my mom looked at me like nothing big had just happened. She smiled faintly and said, "He's bringing the kids. They'll be living with us soon. Isn't that nice?"
Nice. She called it nice.
I stared at her. I couldn't believe her. My throat burned as I tried to speak. "Mom… why didn't you tell me? Why would you let this happen?"
Her smile faded. Her eyes grew sharp. "Don't start. He's the one paying your school fees. He's the one taking care of us. You should be grateful."
Grateful?
For being trapped all over again? For being forced to live with people I didn't know, and a man I couldn't open up to?
I wanted to scream, but instead I whispered, "Mom, I need to talk… about my dad. About everything."
She looked at me coldly, and then, without a pause, she said words that shattered me:
"You were a mistake."... "I didn't plan to have you."
It felt like a knife straight to my chest. My ears rang. My whole body froze. Did she really just say that?
Me. Her child. A mistake.
She must have seen my face break, because a few seconds later, softer, she added, "A mistake that turned into a blessing."
But it didn't matter. She could take back her words a thousand times, and they'd still be burned into me forever.
I turned away, tears spilling down my cheeks, but I didn't want her to see me cry. I didn't want her to see how badly she hurt me. Inside, though, I was screaming... But she would never know how much it hurt
I was jealous too. Jealous of how she fought for him. How she made herself smile and stay for him. How she tried to hold that relationship together. Why couldn't she fight for me like that? Why wasn't I enough?
That night, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my pillow soaked with tears. The words replayed over and over in my head.
"You were a mistake."
I wanted to believe the second part, that I was a blessing. But it didn't stick. The damage was already done. The word mistake echoed louder than anything else.
And deep inside, for the first time, I wondered if maybe she was right.... Maybe I wasn't meant for this world... Maybe I truly was a mistake... Maybe that's why bad things kept happening to me... Maybe I really wasn't worth loving..