I'm woken up in the middle of the night by the excruciating feeling of a monster's fangs tearing through my neck.
"FUCK!" I scream out, moving my hands towards my neck to feel it still there and unharmed as my eyes dart open, a cold sweat enveloping me.
[Pixel Buford has died!]
A holographic screen appears before me, taking my attention and helping me ground myself and realize the cause of the pain I felt.
"Jesus christ, System, you could have warned me I'd feel the pain when he died..." I exhale, trying to regain my calm, the remnants of the scare remaining in the back of my mind for a bit.
[Rewards being distributed!]
[7200 XP, 2000$, 2x [Uncommon] Swords]
'I guess it defaulted to USD because I didn't set a currency. Still though, 2000$ is a huge gain for a couple hours, especially when all I was really doing was sleeping.' I think to myself.
The other rewards aren't bad either, this new system function has truly made it a proper Idle Game System, I can level up without doing any active grinding now, and I can even get gear, too.
Still, though, I expected a bit more XP from a B-Tier Dungeon, though I suppose Pixel Buford could have ended up sticking to low level enemies due to the lack of higher-tier spells.
There's also my abysmal agility and strength, and the 5 minute timer on [Mana Muscle], coupled with the hour long cooldown, that would definitely spell an untimely end due to an ambush between cooldowns.
Now that I can earn more money, as well as realizing the need for my class to be higher tier, I reallocate my resources that were spread between my abilities and stats into a generous split of half of my freed up resources into my class, and the other half split between Agility and Strength.
With a satisfied grin on my face, I configure Pixel Buford to be a little less aggressive and play things more safely, and I let myself drift back to sleep.
When I wake up again, I check on little Pixel Buford and see that he's doing better this time. My immediate gains are lower right now, but I'm lasting longer, which means progress.
I cook myself up a delicious breakfast and head outside for a walk.
I haven't really explored this new world of mine very much since I got here, so I meander around the city idly, taking in the sights and watching how the people here go about their lives.
A strange feeling hits me as I watch the people going by, and I suddenly feel very foreign, and very out of place.
'I feel more at home here than I ever did in my previous world, so why does it still feel like I don't have anywhere that I belong...?' I wonder to myself.
'Maybe I should look into going to college or finding a way to make friends? Connection is what makes humans feel like they truly belong, after all. I don't want to go to high school though, I may be physically 15 but mentally I'm still very much a 25 year old man. I might be better off waiting til I'm 18-20 to start getting particularly social.'
Wandering around absently, I think about what I want in this world, beyond just getting strong and having fun, what do I truly want? I arrive at the conclusion without any fanfare or profound enlightenment, just calm assuredness.
'A place to belong... both for myself, and for other people like me... and enough power and influence to keep that place completely safe. Aside from that, just having fun and living my life to the fullest.' I think to myself.
'I don't want to end up just surviving like I did in my old world, I want to live.' I think, feeling my steps become a little lighter as I walk.
Faces flash in my memories as I walk, my mind vividly remembering the people I've lost and the decent people I've hurt in an effort to protect myself.
No real weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm still carrying every regret, every decision, every fuck-up, and every burden, and wearing my pain, grief, and fears like both a blanket and a suit of armor, but this small moment of self-reflection and healing makes the heavy load just a bit easier to carry.
There's no fireworks, no sudden feeling of clarity or wisdom, but that's how healing is sometimes. Just a quiet step forward, even when you don't even notice it, even when it sometimes feels like all the steps backward make that small step meaningless, it's still forward.
And when it comes to healing, there's only ever one way out; through.
A small smile forms on my lips despite all that's on my mind, and I find myself accidentally wandering back to Luna Caffè.
Walking inside, I wander over to the seat I occupied when I came here with Julia. Ordering myself the same Almond Mocha I got last time, I take a sip and take some time, for the first time since coming to this world, to think about the past instead of my future plans.
'You know you'll never pay for what you did to them.' The same nagging voice whispers like poison, the reflection in the window distorting into the visage of my 25 year old self, but this time I don't feel that shiver in my shoulders, I don't tense up or turn away.
I stare back at my reflection with, even if not confidence just yet, defiance. A fierce, burning will. A fire that can't be extinguished, that's always been there, but I never let burn too fiercely, I never felt I deserved to.
"I won't let you, or anyone, weaken this flame again. Not just for me, but for you as well." I say to the reflection, watching as it gazes back in surprise, and a flicker of the very same flame in it's eyes, buried so deep you could hardly see it, but there and burning on despite everything.
"We can't undo what we've done, Ford. We can't just 'let go' of the past, either. It made us, but we don't have to let it continue to define us."
The reflection, ever stubborn, spits back, 'You and I both know it's all that defines us.'
"Of course I know that, but it doesn't have to be. If you want control of the body to live for a little and properly feel what I've felt since coming here I'd be happy to hand over the reigns for a bit. Who knows, you might learn how to have some fun, too."
The reflection, Ford, looks back at me in surprise.
'You've never willingly offered up the reigns like this.' he says.
"Because I viewed you as some evil part of me, some controlling force that made me do things I didn't want to do, but I was wrong. You're no different than I am, a victim of our circumstances, you just had your own ways of trying to keep us safe. I want you to get to live a little, outside of just trying to protect us." I say, watching as Ford's mocking smile disappears. Closing my eyes for a second, I open them and find myself to have become the one in the reflection.
In place of the guarded demeanor my body usually carries, a confident, animalistic glint appears in my body's eyes, the slightest hint of appreciation showing in Ford's wild grin.
[POV Change]
"Don't regret this, Buford." I say to the smiling reflection of my 15 year old self, downing the rest of the coffee with a wild grin. I pay Buford's coffee and walk out of the little shop, making my way home with practiced ease despite having never been the one to personally navigate in this new world.