The Worst Night of Two Lives
Maya had thought being crushed by a vending machine was rock bottom. She was wrong. Rock bottom was being tied up on a medieval stone floor while a glowing screen cheerfully invaded her personal space like the world's most persistent pop-up ad.
[Congratulations on making contact with Target #1: Elena Blackwater! Rarity: SSR (Super Super Rare)! Affection Level: -5 (Suspicious Criminal)!]
"Negative five?" Maya whispered harshly at the floating text. "How is that even possible? I haven't done anything!"
[You broke into her house! ♡]
"I didn't break in! I just... appeared! There's a difference!"
[Details, details! The important thing is you're making progress! Current relationship status: 'Tied Up By Your Crush!' This is practically a romance novel setup!]
Maya tested the ropes around her wrists. Elena knew her knots—military precision meant escape was impossible. "This is not romantic! This is kidnapping! I'm the victim here!"
[Victim? Host, you're the protagonist of your own harem story! Every great romance starts with a misunderstanding!]
"Name one!"
[Pride and Prejudice! Elizabeth thought Darcy was a jerk!]
"That's... actually not wrong, but—" Maya caught herself. "I am not having a literary debate with a floating screen at two in the morning!"
System Tutorial Hell
[Time for your official tutorial! Please review your current stats!]
A new window popped up, complete with what looked like a character sheet from the worst dating sim ever created.
MAYA TANAKA - HAREM PROTAGONIST
Level: 1 (Pathetic Newbie) Charisma: 2/100 (Disaster Level) Seduction Skills: ERROR - CANNOT CALCULATE Combat Ability: 1/100 (Wet Noodle) Modern Knowledge: 95/100 (Mostly Useless Here) Gay Panic Resistance: 0/100 (Hopeless) Current Harem Members: 0/∞ Survival Chances: 12% (Optimistic Estimate)
"Twelve percent?! And what do you mean 'error cannot calculate' for seduction skills?"
[Your seduction attempts have been so catastrophically bad that our system cannot process them! It's actually impressive!]
"That's not helpful!"
[But wait, there's more! Let me explain this world!] The screen burst into sparkles. [Welcome to the Kingdom of Lesbianos! A realm where powerful women rule and cute girls like you are rare treasures! Currently at war with the Kingdom of Gayanos, ruled by men who think muscles solve everything!]
"Why is everything so... gendered?"
[Plot convenience! Now, your mission: seduce powerful warrior women to build an unstoppable lesbian army! Your first target, Elena Blackwater, is an SSR-class Elite Knight! High combat stats, tragic backstory, secretly soft heart!]
"Tragic backstory?"
[Everyone in your harem gets a tragic backstory! It's mandatory for character development! Elena's parents were killed by—]
"Don't spoil it!" Maya hissed. "And she's not in my harem! She thinks I'm a burglar!"
[Details! The important thing is building affection points! Current objectives: Don't die, explain your situation without sounding insane, and try not to make her hate you more!]
"Great. Foolproof plan."
Morning Arrives with Awkwardness
Maya had dozed fitfully against the stone wall when footsteps on the stairs woke her. Elena descended, now fully dressed in leather armor that definitely wasn't helping Maya's concentration issues. She carried a wooden bowl and a water skin.
"Still here, I see." Elena's tone was dry. "Didn't magically disappear back to your mysterious kingdom of Tokyo."
"Tokyo's not a kingdom," Maya mumbled, then immediately regretted opening her mouth. Her hair was probably a disaster, she had stone-floor imprints on her cheek, and she desperately needed to pee. Not exactly the romantic morning-after scenario the system probably had in mind.
Elena knelt down, setting the bowl nearby. It contained what looked like porridge. "You were talking in your sleep. Something about 'stupid system' and 'error messages.'"
Maya's blood ran cold. "I was?"
"Are you ill? Touched in the head?" Elena's voice held genuine concern now, which was somehow worse than suspicion. "Head injuries can cause strange behavior."
[She's worried about you! Affection points increased! Current level: -3 (Concerned for Your Sanity)!]
"I'm not crazy," Maya said quickly. "I just... have a lot going on right now. Existential crisis stuff."
Elena picked up a spoonful of porridge. "Can you feed yourself, or do you need help?"
The question was practical, but something in Elena's tone made Maya's cheeks burn. "I can manage—"
"Your hands are tied behind your back."
"Right. That." Maya's brain short-circuited as Elena moved closer. "Help would be... helpful."
Elena raised the spoon to Maya's lips with professional efficiency, but Maya couldn't help noticing how careful she was, making sure the porridge wasn't too hot.
[Intimate feeding scene activated! This is perfect romantic development!]
Maya choked on the porridge.
Captain Silvermoon Arrives
"Elena! Report!" A commanding voice echoed from upstairs, followed by heavy boots on stone.
Elena straightened immediately. "Down here, Captain!"
The woman who descended the stairs made Maya's jaw drop all over again. Captain Valentina Silvermoon was everything Elena was, but amplified—taller, more imposing, with silver hair that caught the morning light streaming through high windows. Her armor was elaborate, clearly marking her high rank, and she moved with the confidence of someone who'd never lost a fight.
[NEW TARGET DETECTED! Valentina Silvermoon - Ultra Rare (UR) Class! Difficulty Level: NIGHTMARE! Affection Level: 0 (Complete Stranger)!]
"So this is our mysterious intruder." Captain Silvermoon's piercing blue eyes studied Maya like she was examining a particularly interesting bug. "She doesn't look like much."
Maya bristled. "I'm sitting right here."
"Yes, tied up on my knight's floor after breaking into her home." The Captain's voice was silk over steel. "Elena tells me you claim to be from a place called Tokyo. I've studied maps of every kingdom, duchy, and city-state on this continent. Tokyo doesn't exist."
"Because it's not on this continent," Maya said desperately. "It's not even on this world, I think. Look, I know this sounds insane—"
"It does." Captain Silvermoon drew a chair from the table and sat down, making it clear this would be a long interrogation. "But I'm curious. Tell me about this magical kingdom of Tokyo. What's their military like? Their trade goods? Their political system?"
Maya looked between Elena's concerned expression and the Captain's sharp attention.
[Two targets in one room! This is harem protagonist gold! Try to impress them both!]
"Well," Maya began, then stopped. How do you explain democracy, capitalism, and anime to medieval knights?
"This is going to take a while," she muttered.
[Don't worry, Host! I believe in you! What could go wrong?]
Everything. Everything could go wrong.