The color that had returned to Minato's face immediately drained away again. His mouth fell open in pure horror as the full weight of his situation crashed down on him.
For exactly two seconds, Minato's brain tried to process the absolute nightmare his life had just become. Then, like a drowning man grabbing for any piece of floating debris, he latched onto the most pathetic defense mechanism known to mankind: complete and total denial.
Minato, operating on pure panic and the survival instincts of a cornered raccoon, decided his best strategy was to gaslight his own wife.
"KUSHINA UZUMAKI!" he bellowed with the moral outrage of a Victorian grandmother who'd just discovered ankle-showing. "That is the most DISGRACEFUL language I have EVER heard come out of your beautiful mouth! I am SHOCKED and APPALLED!"
He was trying so hard to look scandalized that his eyebrows had practically launched into orbit.
"Where did you even LEARN such filthy words?! Did you pick up some kind of sailor's dictionary?! Have you been hanging around the red-light district?! Are you having a stroke?!"
Kushina was biting her lip so hard to keep from laughing that she was probably drawing blood. Her husband looked like he was auditioning for the role of 'Concerned Citizen #3' in the world's worst community theater production.
"Oh dear," she said with the innocence of a newborn lamb, "I'm not sure where I could have heard such language. It just... popped into my head somehow. Almost like I heard someone screaming it recently..."
"Well it CERTAINLY wasn't from me!" Minato declared, his voice hitting frequencies that were making the neighbor's dog bark three houses down. "I have NEVER used such language! I don't even KNOW such language! I thought 'motherfucker' was some kind of rare butterfly until just now!"
"...Did you just say motherfucker while claiming you don't know what it means?"
"NO I DIDN'T!"
"You literally just—"
"THAT WAS A DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER!"
Kushina snorted so hard she almost choked on her own spit.
"Anyway!" Minato continued desperately, "Let's talk about that completely mysterious object on our wall that I have absolutely never seen before and definitely don't recognize!"
He stared at the tape with the same expression someone might use when discovering their pet goldfish had learned to juggle.
"What... what do you suppose that strange rectangular thing could possibly be?" he asked with the acting skills of a wooden plank. "It looks like some sort of... viewing... rectangle... for... rectangular... viewing?"
"It's a tape, Minato."
"A WHAT?! What's a tape?! I've never heard of such a thing!"
Kushina was now making the kind of choking sounds that indicated she was either laughing or dying. Possibly both.
"You know," she managed, "the thing that records moving pictures with sound?"
"Moving pictures with SOUND?!" Minato gasped like she'd just told him about electricity for the first time. "What will they think of next?! Surely such witchcraft is impossible!"
He was now unconsciously straining against the chains while maintaining his performance, looking like a demented mime trapped in an invisible box.
"Well," Kushina said sweetly, "since you've never seen such miraculous technology, I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we watched whatever's on there. You know, for educational purposes."
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Minato shrieked, then immediately tried to cover. "I mean... what if it's dangerous?! What if the moving pictures are cursed?! What if they steal our souls?! We should burn it immediately for safety!"
"Burn it?"
"With fire! Lots of fire! All the fire! Right now! Before the evil rectangle magic corrupts our home!"
Kushina was now making sounds that weren't technically human anymore - just pure, concentrated joy at watching her husband's magnificent meltdown.
"You're really worried about this harmless old tape," she observed.
"I'M NOT WORRIED!" Minato yelled while actively trying to chew through adamantine chains like a panicked beaver. "I'M COMPLETELY CALM! THIS IS MY CALM FACE! LOOK HOW CALM I AM!"
His 'calm face' looked like he was being slowly murdered by bees.
Kushina wiped the tears from her eyes and slowly, deliberately, rose from the couch. Her movements were predatory, like a cat that had cornered the world's most entertaining mouse.
"Well," she said, her voice still shaking with barely contained giggles, "I think it's time we solved the mystery of this magical viewing rectangle, don't you?"
She took one step toward the wall.
"No," Minato said quietly, his voice tight with dread.
Another step.
"No no," he repeated, slightly louder, his eyes tracking her movement like a condemned man watching the executioner approach.
Kushina was fighting a losing battle against her own amusement. Every few seconds, a fresh giggle would escape, making her shoulders shake. The adamantine chains flickered slightly—just for a split second—as her concentration wavered with each wave of mirth.
"No no no no," Minato's voice was climbing in pitch and desperation as she got closer to the tape.
She reached up toward the wall display, her fingers inches from the cursed object, but another fit of giggles hit her as she remembered his "soft things" comment. The chains shimmered and became translucent for just a moment before she caught herself.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Minato was full-on panicking now, his voice cracking like a thirteen-year-old. "KUSHINA! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! WAIT! "
She paused, one hand still reaching for the tape, turning to look at him with tears of laughter streaming down her face. "Wait for what, honey?"
His voice had achieved frequencies that were probably interfering with radio transmissions. "Please! Can we discuss this like rational adults?! Can we negotiate?! I'll do the dishes for a month! Two months! I'll never complain about your cooking experiments again!"
Kushina's hand was trembling with suppressed laughter as she fought to maintain her chakra control. The chains were flickering in and out of visibility like a broken light bulb.
"What about when I made that fish and peanut butter casserole?" she asked, mostly to buy herself time to get her giggles under control.
"IT WAS DELICIOUS!" Minato lied frantically. "BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN! PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THE EVIL RECTANGLE!"
He was vibrating like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm. "I'LL DO ANYTHING! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO COOK ANYMORE! I'LL LEARN TO COOK! I'LL ALSO STOP USING YOUR SHAMPOO! I'LL ADMIT THAT YOUR HAIR IS PRETTIER THAN MINE!"
"My hair IS prettier than yours."
"I'LL SAY IT PUBLICLY! IN FRONT OF JIRAIYA-SENSEI! WHILE CRYING!"
The mental image of Minato sobbing about hair superiority sent Kushina into convulsions. The chains didn't just flicker - they had a full-blown seizure, appearing and almost disappearing so rapidly it looked like he was being held by a strobe light having an existential crisis.
He continued desperately. "THE TAPE MIGHT BE CURSED! WHAT IF IT'S A GENJUTSU TRAP SET BY ENEMY NINJA WHO KNEW WE'D EVENTUALLY WATCH OUR OLD SECURITY FOOTAGE?!""
"What if it shows you running around half-naked screaming profanity like a feral badger?"
Minato's face went through colors that didn't exist in this dimension. "THAT'S ODDLY SPECIFIC! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?! I'VE NEVER BEEN A FERAL BADGER!"
Kushina once again lost it completely. The chains were having their own mental breakdown, occasionally tying him into different positions - upside down for a moment, then sideways, then in what appeared to be the lotus position.
"WHAT IF IT'S ACTUALLY A TRANSFORMATION JUTSU?!" Minato shrieked, his tactical mind completely hijacked by terror. "WHAT IF THAT'S NOT A TAPE AT ALL BUT A VERY SMALL, VERY PATIENT ENEMY SHINOBI WHO'S BEEN WAITING ON OUR WALL FOR MONTHS?!"
Kushina choked and the chains became translucent for a moment. She had to grab the wall for support.
"Minato, stop plea—"
"OR!" he continued his panic-induced conspiracy theories, "WHAT IF WATCHING IT ACTIVATES A DELAYED EXPLOSIVE SEAL?! WHAT IF THE THIRD HOKAGE PLANTED IT THERE AS A TEST?! WHAT IF THIS IS ALL AN ELABORATE CHUNIN EXAM AND WE'RE FAILING RIGHT NOW?!"
"WE'RE JONIN!"
She was fighting so hard not lose control of her chains, which were doing the visual equivalent of a dial-up internet connection.
She reached for the tape again.
"WAIT!" Minato's voice was only missing whimpers. "WHAT IF THE TAPE CONTAINS CLASSIFIED VILLAGE SECRETS?! WHAT IF IT'S ACTUALLY FOOTAGE OF LORD SECOND'S BATHROOM HABITS?! DO WE REALLY WANT THAT RESPONSIBILITY?!" Now he was just saying shit.
Kushina was sliding down the wall, shaking with silent laughter as tears streamed down her face, her legs weakened and her chains flickering on and off like malfunctioning light bulbs but still keeping their form.
Minato continued, apparently not noticing he'd briefly been suspended from the ceiling. "Oh I got an idea! What if we just burn the whole house down?! Insurance fraud! We'll say it was a gas leak! A very specific gas leak that only affected this one tape!"
"THAT'S ONE VERY SPECIFIC GAS LEAK!" Kushina was now making sounds like a dying walrus having the time of its life.
"WE'LL BLAME TERRORISTS! VERY SMALL TERRORISTS! TERRORISTS WHO ONLY TARGET SECURITY TAPES! IT'S TOTALLY BELIEVABLE!"
The chains were now flickering between existing and not existing so rapidly that Minato appeared to be vibrating between dimensions. He looked like a very panicked glitch in reality.
"OR!" he screeched, his voice reaching frequencies that were making windows crack three villages over. "OR! We could just... just... PRETEND TO WATCH IT! I'll close my eyes! You close your eyes! We'll just sit here in the dark making up what we think is happening!"
"Oh look, there goes a very calm, dignified person who definitely isn't screaming curse words," Kushina mimicked in a fake narrator voice.
"EXACTLY! VERY CALM! VERY DIGNIFIED! POSSIBLY WEARING A FULL TUXEDO! AND DEFINITELY NOT RUNNING!"
What was coming out of her mouth couldn't even be considered laughter. Its almost like she temporarily achieved enlightenment, and the chains were having their own spiritual awakening – some of them occasionally forming into inspirational shapes like hearts and butterflies before remembering they were supposed to be restraints.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Minato wailed as she reached for the tape again. "WHAT IF I PROMISE TO WEAR PANTS EVERYWHERE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! EVEN IN THE SHOWER! ESPECIALLY IN THE SHOWER!"
"WHY?!" Kushina screamed with delight, he ignored her.
"I'LL WEAR SEVEN PAIRS OF PANTS! AT THE SAME TIME! I'LL BECOME THE MOST OVER-PANTSED PERSON IN SHINOBI HISTORY!"
Her fingers touched the tape.
"NOOOOOOOO—wait." He paused mid-scream. "Did I just promise to wear seven pairs of pants? That seems impractical. How would I even—"
"FOCUS, MINATO!"
"RIGHT! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He let out a scream so pure and primal it probably awakened ancient spirits across the Land of Fire.