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"What chance?" the burly man asked nervously.
"A chance to get payback for what I just did, naturally." Ron flashed a wicked grin. "I bet you're pretty pissed off that I held you at gunpoint, aren't you?"
The burly man nodded at first, but then, glancing at the cold barrel he'd just had shoved in his mouth, quickly shook his head.
"No, absolutely not."
"That's what I like to hear—real men don't lie," Ron said, dropping his gun to the floor and kicking it away. "Judging by those muscles and your attitude toward my brother, you must be pretty confident in your fighting skills, right?"
"Here's the deal. I'm giving you a shot. If you can beat me with nothing but your fists, everything that just happened—including what you did to my brother—gets wiped clean. Sound fair?"
Ron's eyes glinted dangerously, but the muscle-head across from him was completely oblivious.
He was actually considering it! However, his protein-addled brain was still capable of slightly more complex thought than your average gorilla.
"But what if you go back on your word? I beat you up, and you still arrest me and charge me with assaulting a federal officer or something?"
"No worries about that," Ron said, pulling a compact digital camcorder from his belt. He turned the camera on himself and began recording.
"I'm making this video as official documentation. This is me and this gentleman here. Hey, what's your name?"
Ron swiveled the camera toward the burly man, who waved awkwardly. "Uh, hi, I'm Doug."
Ron turned the camera back on himself. "Right, Doug. My name's Ron. I'm currently off duty, and I'd like to have a completely voluntary, one-on-one discussion with you, free from any legal complications. You game?"
The camera focused on Doug again, and this time he looked genuinely relieved. "Yeah, absolutely."
Ron played the recorded footage back for Doug. He really missed smartphones that could record video and take photos instantly. Fortunately, Apple's first iPhone was launching next year. Maybe he should invest in some Apple stock ahead of time?
"Well, does that cover everything?" Ron placed the memory card in Doug's palm.
The man carefully tucked the memory card into his pocket, clenched his fists, and let out a menacing chuckle. His knuckles popped ominously.
Ron stood there with a pleasant smile, seemingly waiting for a response, when Doug suddenly launched a haymaker straight at Ron's face.
"Asshole! I've been wanting to do this since you walked in!"
Just when Doug thought this cocky fed (forgive the meathead for not understanding the distinction between a cop and an agent) was about to get knocked out cold and taught a lesson he'd never forget, Ron simply tilted his head to avoid the incoming punch. Then Doug felt a sharp pain explode in his gut, doubling him over like a folding chair. But that wasn't the end—Ron followed up with a devastating uppercut to Doug's jaw that sent him crashing to the floor.
"Pathetic! You thought you were in my league?" Ron scoffed.
"Stop! Stop right now—you're gonna kill me! I surrender!" Doug scrambled backward across the floor in terror. "You're a federal agent! You can't do this—it's illegal!"
On that last part, poor Doug's voice cracked like a teenage girl's.
"True, but didn't we just record a video making it crystal clear that I'm off duty and this is purely voluntary sparring?"
Ron's smile was radiant, but to Doug it looked like something straight out of hell. He frantically patted around, searching for his last hope.
"Looking for this?" Ron held the memory card between two fingers, waving it in front of Doug's eyes. He'd pickpocketed it during his first punch.
"That's for bullying my brother!"
"That's for stripping my brother's pants off!"
"That's for stripping Leonard's pants off!"
"That's for being ugly!"
...
"That's for the FBI withholding information from me!"
"That's for the FBI making porno movies on the taxpayers' dime!"
Doug lifted his head pitifully. "Wait, I'm not FBI."
Ron punched him in the face again. "That's for saying you're not FBI!"
Ron delivered another blow with each accusation. Finally, after Doug had been beaten beyond recognition, Ron stretched luxuriously.
All the day's frustrations evaporated—this was the perfect stress relief.
Doug lay on the ground, trembling in agony, staring at Ron with pure terror. This man had to be Satan himself.
"After our deep and meaningful conversation just now, I trust you've learned something valuable?" Ron mimicked Doug's earlier gesture and cracked his knuckles, producing that same crisp popping sound.
"Yes! I've learned my lesson! Please, just let me go! I'll get Penny her TV right now!"
Doug surrendered completely. God only knew how that little witch Penny had connections to such a psychopath. Doug just wanted this demon gone, having lost any thought of resistance.
Ron looked unsatisfied. "That's it?"
Doug quickly backtracked. "What else do you want? Just name it!"
"My brother and his friend's pants," Ron paused thoughtfully. "Oh, and gas money for driving over here, plus tuition for the fighting lessons I just gave you. That's fifty bucks an hour, so we'll call it seventy total."
That's right—he was going to beat you senseless and still charge you for it. What were you gonna do about it?
There's an old saying: "Every villain eventually meets a bigger villain." Doug had just encountered a nastier piece of work than himself today. So...
"Here, take it all!" Doug turned his wallet inside out, but Ron insisted on taking only his fair share.
"Like I said, I'm not extorting you. I'm providing a service, understand?" Ron grudgingly tucked his gun, knife, and other gear back into their hiding spots.
"Understood, understood! It's payment for services rendered! Please accept it!" Doug was nearly in tears. You beat the hell out of me and still want payment? How is this not extortion?
Ron's friendly expression returned. "Exactly. You're such a model citizen. Can I ask one more tiny favor?"
"Sure thing," Doug whimpered.
That's the look! That's the same expression the demon had before he started wailing on me!
Ron feigned embarrassment as he stretched. "I think I pulled something in my back while coaching you in combat techniques. Could you please load Penny's TV into my brother and his friend's car? You know, those two 'weaklings' whose pants you stole? And if you could return their pants and earn their forgiveness, I'd really appreciate your generosity."
You pulled your back?! Doug had never seen anyone with a back injury look as spry as this guy!
But whatever he might think, dealing with two nerds beat facing this lunatic any day.
"No problem! I'll take care of it right away!"
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End of Chapter 6