No, actually, maybe I wanted him to kill me quickly by inflicting pain.
Yes.
It was definitely that, causing me to look with lips pursed, eyes narrowed yet teary at that man whose one hand was busy holding my one leg and the other supporting his face near, a few inches away, where I could feel his breath entangling with me in that strange pungent smell.
"What are you doing?" I asked firmly, uncaring about why he seemed confused, looking down as if wanting to delay killing me.
"It's hard to pinpoint due to wetness." He made some excuse, and I became even more sure when he said the world's biggest lie. "You see, it's my first time."
"Pfft..." I chuckled at the lie... but he frowned, and his mouth twitched as if I mocked him.
But why do I care about the man about to inflict pain on me?
"You liar," I said, his expression that of genuine care looking away from me as he thought I would believe someone like him was still single after all.
And even more so was the tremble in my lips as I felt so helpless. And even if I was asking for that, this cruel man was just lying and enjoying seeing me suffer.
Even though those silver eyes were strangely different from anyone I've seen looking at me, with my body weakening, hardly able to move, I just wanted to relieve myself by taking a deep sleep.
There was no one to whom I sought my revenge. The family which was never mine had already been left behind by me after my marriage.
Though the sister and the husband to whom I should have kept some portion of vengeance had already been killed.
So there was nothing for me to lean on or leave except for begging this man to make me drown in pain far more intense than that day of my wedding night and let me sleep in peace.
However, it was strange how I also, on one hand, did not want to get hurt by him.
"Are you laughing at me, woman—" His voice came off arrogantly as I, unlike him, was in haste to just deal with all this and go to heaven to live in peace, already having endured too much in this life.
So, I wasn't letting this man speak and waste another moment.
My hand swiftly moved, slamming on his back, the texture of his scars showing how many wounds he carried but sliding my hands swiftly down his back, feeling those rough scars like maps of battles I didn't know, but they made my fingers tremble even more.
I didn't care about his lies or his arrogant voice anymore. No, I just wanted this over, wanted the pain to swallow me whole so I could finally rest.
'!'
My palms pressed hard against his skin, pulling him closer, forcing him down with all the strength left in my weak body—now, right now, before I lost my nerve.
He sucked in a sharp breath, eyes widening like he'd been slapped awake.
"Hey—wait, Luna, what are you—" he stammered, voice cracking with panic, one hand fumbling to brace himself, the other still gripping my thigh like he might pull back.
But it was too late; I didn't let him.
"Just let stab me, damn it! End me now!" My arms locked around his neck, legs wrapping tight, yanking him down hard and fast.
And then he entered me in a rush, thick and unyielding, stretching me to the brink in one urgent thrust that made everything blur.
"Aaahhh!" I cried out, tears flooding my eyes, widening them in shock as the pain exploded—sharp, burning, like fire ripping through me, no time to breathe, no room to think.
"Rgghhh..." He groaned loud and raw, body shuddering against mine, his face twisting like the sensation hit him just as hard, overwhelming and unexpected.
His breath came in hot, frantic bursts, tangling with mine in that pungent haze, his silver eyes flashing with something wild—panic melting into need, or maybe just the chaos of it all.
My jaws clenched, teeth grinding as I yelled, "It hurts! It hurts so much!"
The words tore from my throat, a desperate scream, but I held on tighter, like a koala in a storm, pushing myself even deeper onto him, deeper into the agony that blurred with something else, something that made my body cling and my tears keep coming.
"Luna, stop, wait!" His voice was just background noise right now as he tried to lift himself up on the bed on his four limbs, but I tightened my leg wrapping around his waist, hugging him tightly as I buried my face in his neck.
Yes, I accept, I was begging for death in a strange way but the pain I feel was tearing me apart enough to make me cling to it tighter.
It was the same pain I felt that day but strangely different, maybe due to the girth and size of this man, but doesn't it enhance my suffering too?
"N-no, you will just waste my time!" I yelled, shutting my eyes tightly as I felt this man strong enough to lift me up off the bed, standing on his knees, causing me to slide down deeper like the tearing pain rushed causing me to bite his shoulder.
He groaned again, deeper this time, hands trembling as they dug into my skin, like he was fighting initially but suddenly losing.
"Damn you... this... L-Luna, wait," he muttered, groaning near my ears, but the pain was clearly the door to my relief, something I was prepared to have to set myself free from this worthless life.
Uncaring of how he was on bed on his knees, my hands remained wrapped around his neck, teeth biting his shoulder, and legs wrapped around his waist only to feel that things inside of me throbbing as pain seemed strangely weakening.
"Wh-why?" I felt confused as even when he was inside of me, the pain within my body was relaxing, causing suddenly me to remember exactly the major source of pain.
"Move, Javrian." I retreated my head and looked towards his face which had a blank look meeting mine while I tried to jump a bit to recreate that painful sensation, but he didn't budge.
He was rock hard like a statue... wait.
"Eh, huh? Huh!? Why is it loosening!?" I was suddenly taken aback as I felt the tightness about to tear me apart becoming softer, the hardness was vanishing replaced by something strange as Javrian slowly retreated, seating back while hugging me.
"I told you..." His voice came confusing again, especially how strangely enough his palm softly rested on my head and the other on my waist letting me sit on his lap while hugging, retreating to look at his face to know why he was being so cruel to me.
"It was my first time?"
He completed his words, didn't change much in me except how I followed his line of sight as he lowered his gaze. I did too, his both hands supporting my hip as he lifted me up a bit revealing strange white fluid instead of blood coming out of that place.
"Wh-what is this?" I blinked, lifted my head, confused as I didn't understand what was this thing exactly coming out of me.
"Haah, our children, Luna." He sighed, shook his head, and said something nonsensical before pulling me in for a hug and ruffling my hair.
I didn't quite understand what he meant, except for the fact that he whispered something I couldn't hear because my eyes were becoming heavy from his warm body and the gentle ruffle in my hair.
"...What kind of... sorcery... have you done.. to me... woman—"