It began as the ultimate bullshit of my life that became a trend. Remember when I said people will come yell at me while I stream during the New England Patriot days? It's the worst when a Dramatuber is mad at you.
It began with Dramatuber Salty Analyzer making a video exposing my past crimes as a violent man on the streets. Participating in a street fighting tournament. That had death matches. I barely survived but now I stand tall, livestreaming. Being called out for horrendous crimes. My defense?
Well, it happened while livestreaming in Ninja Bladestorm before the Court of Public Opinion. First, I began my explanation of my society.
"So my hometown Locabroca is secretly anarchist. That's why I got away with those crimes. Now for my real defense, it begins with the fact that it was an unwilling street fighting tournament. The town was forced to fight for their survival against Street Fighters determined to figure out who the strongest is. And they wanted to know who amongst those that hide that were strong. And I was one of the hiders. Who was forced into the fray time and time again." I say nervously and cockily.
This didn't satisfy Salty Analyzer. He replied in my chat with a long winded rant about how I should kill myself. It was something like:
"You sir are a autistic serial killer who jokes about eating babies, and have literally killed people. You should kill yourself for the good of humanity so that I and everyone else experience justice. And now to show you that we know everything you've done, watch this." Salty Analyzer says with dramatic righteousness.
I enter a cave for loot, and find a murder scene from my past. It is my bedroom, when a guy tried to break into my house and stab me. It plays out the fight, where I end up stabbing him in the throat.
I shrug nonchalantly.
"Self-defense, castle law, he broke into my house." I say calmly.
Salty Analyzer takes over my screen, his webcam showing his pale face and shaggy brown hair as he screams at me.
"JACOB HEMLOCKKK! YOU ARE A SERIAL KILLERRR! LOG OFF AND KILL YOURSELF!" he yells furiously.
I shrug.
"Noooo, you're like, a chinese hacker and I'm a New England Patriot. You have to leave me alone or this starts a war." I bluff nervously.
I look around hopefully, and spot the government agent Dan entering my room and yelling into the tv.
"HE'S RIGHT! HE'S A PATRIOT! HURT HIM, AND WE GET WORLD WAR 3!!!" Dan yells with military diligence and rage.
Suddenly the hack ends, and we're back in the main menu of the game. Dan turns to me, grave and stern.
"Take a break for three days." he orders firmly.
I nod. Dan leaves the room immediately. I somewhat take a break. I stream single player games for two days. On the third day, I forgot I'm not supposed to be streaming. And I ended up crossing paths with the true streamer meant to set off Ping Pong Politics. For you see, this was organized by the government and Patriotic Youtubers.
I become self-aware about this, and decide to sabotage America because I'm mad I am forced to be a New England Patriot. So I discuss politics with my mic on in-game.
"So like, what's the deal with reparations? Shouldn't we pay black people for slavery?" I say with amusement as I bait death.
Almost immediately a right wing youtuber I am faintly familiar with starts ranting in-game.
"YOU'RE A PEDOPHILE!" he screams furiously. "I didn't enslave them, I shouldn't have to pay more taxes cause of some other guy's slavery thing! I'm only like, 25! Fuck you!" he rants angrily.
"So like, why are we mad at China?" I ask, amused and tense.
"What about they're fucking communist? We hate communism." Gamer A says angrily.
"Yeah, but we like Russia right now. Why do we like Russia and not China? They're both Communist." I say annoyedly.
"Stop fucking talking about politics while I'm playing this shitty chinese mafia game." Gamer B says angrily.
"Was this game funded by the mob? Like the Chinese Triad?" I ask, genuinely interested.
"What, do I look fucking Chinese!? I don't know! I just know I hate this game!" Gamer B says angrily.
"Then why do you play?" I ask sarcastically.
I start laughing as they rant furiously at me.
"ARE YOU FUCKING PRO-CHINA! I WILL FUCKING GET YOU DEPORTED, YOU FUCKING PEASANT!" Gamer C yells furiously.
"Um, I was born in America, thank you very much." I say confidently.
"Yeah, well my Dad's in ICE. So I don't fucking care. You're getting deported, Trump is President. Deal with it." Gamer C snaps angrily.
I roll my eyes.
"So like, does being a New England Patriot matter for this conversation?" I say sarcastically.
"I'm a better gamer, I'll get you deported anyway. I can figure out where you live." Gamer C says angrily.
"Yeah, well your cock is small. Also I fucked your girlfriend." I say cockily.
"I am fucking coming to your house to kill you." Gamer C snaps angrily.
"Do it pussy, no balls." I say cockily.
"I'm paying a Data Analyst to find out where you live." Gamer C says angrily.
"Um, it's like, 69 Elm Street. Buffalo Grove, Maine." I say cockily.
"Why would fucking tell me that?" Gamer C says, utterly shocked.
"I am bored enough to want to fight someone physically instead of virtually." I say honestly.
… … …
"Well now I'm not coming, go fuck yourself." Gamer C says angrily.
"Bro, don't be a bitch. I'm like… a criminal and stuff." I say sarcastically.
"Are you baiting me? Are you fucking baiting me? Do you even live there? Do you think I'm dumb?" Gamer C asks angrily.
"I am baiting you, but I'm also not lying. I honestly am just bored. I think it's like a, Banki vibe or something. Like after fighting the ultimate warrior, and you're just bored. Like I've lived such an epic, anime life already. Did you know I was in a street fighting tournament?" I say proudly.
"What, no! You're a fucking criminal!? Get off the internet!" Gamer C says angrily.
"Nah man, plus it was based. At one point we had a gunfight, and I won only using a katana and stealth. They were being racist to me that day man. I'm not even Asian, but they said cause I'm addicted to manga I get a katana instead of a gun. I still won by turtling though." I say proudly.
"Can we get him arrested?" Gamer C says angrily.
Instead my power gets turned off.
"Damn you government! I'm not paying taxes ever!" I yell angrily.
I just go downstairs and turn the power back on. Damn government made the power trip. When I'm back upstairs, government agent Dan is there in the kitchen.
"Look Dan, I can explain. They were… Chinese Terrorists." I bluff nervously.
"I watched the match." Dan says calmly.
…
"Alright, so am I fired then? If so, based." I say angrily.
"Get back to work. You're muted." Dan says angrily.
I roll my eyes and get back to work. I can still livestream. Which satisfies me. Things go smoothly until I upload a long livestream. Where it shows me destroying multiple casually through a steamroll that day. I ended up as a top 100 player during that stream.
The next day famous youtubers were blackmailing me. Which was surprising because all of them never did this kind of video before. Like I had CraigCraig claiming I shot at him, which I don't remember him even visiting my town. And I'd remember that, because every time a celebrity comes to town, my stupid Anarchist town goes as Ben Filler says in Tropical Blitz, "Full R!@#$%."
It's cause the celebrities take advantage of their fame and the anarchy of the town to do insane, stupid videos. Like one time I had Mark Grover test a Tesla's autopilot in my neighborhood. It drove into my house. I almost fought him that day. But his fanbase pointed their guns at me, and I just stepped inside like a bitch.
Now this is when things get really bad. Society turns against me entirely. I go to the grocery as normal. Everyone glares at me. A child points and laughs at me.
"CraigCraig said he fucked your girlfriend." Child says, amused and smug.
I almost stomp my foot and start screaming at a child due to this statement. But I restrain myself. Until I walk down the store aisle, and see this CraigCraig man. He is a short man wearing an orange t-shirt, and blue shorts. He has brown hair, and green eyes. He has a camera man behind him.
I am confused and angry as soon as I see him.
"What is happening?" I ask angrily.
"We're doing a youtube challenge. You're a target." CraigCraig says, confident and angry.
"What is the-" I try to say angrily.
I am interrupted by a man climbing a store shelf, holding a fire hose. My reptile instincts kick in, and I begin fleeing in terror. Only to see to my right as I run a man in football gear charging. He tries to tackle me, but similar to sliding over a car, I jump over him and slide on his back as he fails to tackle me around the waist and runs into a wall.
But we are dealing an mob. So there is a second football player. And people with bats. I immediately become tense as I experience the terror of a mob once more.
This is not my first time dealing with the mob that is the Town. The first time I pissed off a gang cause I refused to give up my wallet. They got my wallet that day. I stole it back a week later after blackmailing the gang's leader about how he fucked his son's girlfriend.
And this was a strange Mob of Terror moment. Because it was lead by a Youtuber.
"Hey there Jacob Hemlock! We have some bulletproof vests to test today! Put it on! And get on the wheel!" CraigCraig yells into a megaphone like a bloodlusted ring master.
The Mob grabs me with many hands, dragging me over to a red and black wheel on a column in the store. There are handcuffs on it. They strap me in, facing the crowd. With the bulletproof vest on.
CraigCraig approaches me, holding a .357 revolver.
"Ladies and gentleman, our first test is a point blank magnum round to the chest. If this product is inferior to what it claims, he might die." he says with dramatic cockiness.
I am shaking a bit at this point. I look down at the vest, vaguely familiar with it. And I'm filled with dread. It's a cheap vest I bought before. It's only $100. I might die for real. CraigCraig presses the barrel of his gun against his chest. And pulls the trigger. I feel an intense burst of blunt pain. I look down, and see a metal star pressed against my chest. And I feel intense pain. But I am alive.
"God damn, that cheap ass vest actually saved his life. Guess God loves you. Cause I sure didn't. I didn't even buy that, someone here did." CraigCraig says nonchalantly.
Then I am struck by a bat from behind, and knocked unconscious.