FROM ELLA PERFAE
TO LARA PERFAE
34 May's Road
Castleford
LO6 1AR
Dear Lara,
I know it's been some time since my last letter. I've actually been waiting for you to write back. It's been three weeks, so it's clear you've decided not to. A part of me has even been expecting it… but I really was hoping to hear back from you.
I wanted to hear about the children.
How are they?
How are Aiden's studies going?
I'm sure he's still doing exceptionally well, everything considered. Get ready, because his teachers will praise him endlessly, but you'll never get tired of hearing it; I never did. It makes me so proud to know that others believe in my son, just like I do. I've always been proud of him. Aiden listens well and of course, he will listen to you, too.
That is why I want to ask you a favour, Lara.
I have always dreamed that my son will go on to become a surgeon. He studies so hard and does so well, that I've always felt his success was inevitable. Please make sure to support him with this. Sometimes, you'll find he gets a little distracted with other things, like his hobbies, his friends, which is fine, of course, but I've always made sure to maintain a balance in my son's life.
I miss him terribly.
I miss the way he'd hug me tight before he left for school, and how his smile and his laughter would always light up the room. I always think back to how he'd surprise us by cooking for the family; my favourites were his lamb kebabs with steaming rice, and the flatbreads he'd made when you all stayed over, brushed with butter and stuffed with cheese and potatoes. Oh, and all those cakes and pastries, covered in whipped cream, drizzled with syrup, and topped with walnuts and berries.
I never have lavish meals like that anymore.
I didn't expect Aiden to learn how to cook so well; he's just like his father. Maybe it will sound a little biased coming from his own mother, but what other young man that we know of, studies as well as he does, listens to his elders, knows his way around the kitchen, and is loved by everyone he meets?
What a perfect boy. And he was so cute as a baby, with those pudgy arms and legs, always so well-behaved. His sister, on the other hand, well that munchkin has been a force of nature since the moment she was born.
I was in labour for two days just to give birth to something so small. Do you remember how delirious I was? I think I was happy for all but two seconds before I started crying. I was exhausted, scared, lonely. If there was one time in my life I wished Denis wasn't so busy, it would be back then. I really needed him. But at least I had you. My LaLa.
You made it so much easier. You reassured me whenever I thought there was something wrong with Cleo, or when I believed everyone was talking about me and judging me for being a bad mother. I did what I could to be there for them, but two young children back then felt like looking after a whole crowd. But you shouldered the responsibility with me. You also had Cam and Azra to look after, but my Aiden and Cleo were always there with you, too. I think that's why they cling to you so much.
After that, Cleo grew up in a blink of an eye. She learned to walk in just 8 months, and I potty-trained her and weaned her off my milk without much of a hassle. She ate whatever I gave her and before I knew it, I had an independent lady walking about the house, bossing her father and brother about. They loved her to bits and were more than happy to dance to her tunes.
My children completed me. They gave me purpose and happiness. I wanted to make sure they had everything I never did. I did my best, Lara, and you know I'd still do anything for my children.
It used to upset me whenever they told you things before they told me. It felt unfair when they refused to come home after staying over, or said they preferred your cooking over mine. They'd say, "But Auntie Lara lets us do this! Auntie Lara lets us do that!", and I would think, I'm your mother. I've given you my whole life and this is what I get in return?
Remind you of anyone?
It is shocking just how much I hear Mum's voice in mine, but it also feels inevitable. I definitely understand her better now that I'm a mother, too. Mum knew how important it is to guide your children to their potential, and that's what she did for us, even though we couldn't see it at the time. I think we had Mum to rely on for answers, to know what was best for us, and she was right about most things. Most; she did get things wrong, too. And as much as I can resent her for it, what's important is that Mum knew life was what you make it, and I lost a great part of myself when she died.
So, I'm really glad my children have you to rely on, Lara.
I know we have differing methods in raising our children. I always said that your kids could do with some order in their lives, while you believed that Aiden and Cleo needed more... spontaneity, is what you'd call it. Do you still think so? I'm more than happy for them to join their cousins in whatever fun activities you have planned for the week, but they shouldn't lose focus on their studies, either. If not for my sake, please do this for their father's sake. Denis would always say that his children are going to become great people, that he'd retire once they both earned more than him. You can still make one of these dreams come true.
Oh, I just remembered! Cleo's teeth! The dentist said she has a peculiar amount of baby teeth, and the last we talked, he mentioned surgery. It's scheduled for some time in July, so please don't forget. You need not worry about her; Cleo knows about the surgery and had even asked the dentist a few questions. My girl is so brave. I hope she's getting along with Azra.
I've nearly finished the third page of this letter and I realise now that I haven't even started telling you about everything that's happened. But perhaps this is a good start. Yes, I think so. I think it is safe to say that everything that has happened began with my children.
More than anything, Lara, I am a mother. I am defined by my children's happiness, by the way they live their lives and their achievements. I am also defined by their sadness and their failure. Everything I did was for them, and I'd do it again if it meant they could be happy. Aiden and Cleo deserve just as much as everyone else, if not more, but Denis never did agree with me.
He called me overbearing. He said I was too concerned about other people's opinions of our family, and that I compared our children too much to their peers at school. But the truth is, and this is the first of many, Lara... Denis refused to be present. You must be confused, but it's true. I've never told you this before but I'm telling you now.
Denis pointed his fingers at me, and used me as an excuse to neglect his duties as a father (perhaps he was influenced by your more lax approach to parenting). But I never abandoned my children. I never gave up. And I believe that is what cost me my marriage.
I think I must stop now. I find myself growing more and more emotional the more I write about this. But don't worry, I won't stop here. Give me some time. I'll write to you again.
I can only hope you'll write back.
Send my love to my Aiden and my Cleo.
I love them with everything I have.
Always your sister,
Ella