[coffee+me= this]
---
Before he could drown in dread, he felt a cold hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn toward the person—or, well, *vampire*—it belonged to.
It was Esme.
*"Don't worry yourself about them, dear. I'm sure you still remember Carlisle and Edward, right?"*
Carlisle gave him a calm smile and nod, while Edward stared intently, trying to read his mind—only to be met with static and random words.
He couldn't say no without looking suspicious, so he just nodded weakly before Esme could introduce the rest.
*"And since you haven't met him yet—the big one is Emmett,"* she said.
The bear-like man flashed a shit-eating grin and barked, *"Sup."*
*"The ones sitting next to him are Rosalie and Edyth,"* Esme continued.
One of the women gave him a soft smile; the other glared at him like he'd just kicked her puppy.
*"The one at the back with the blonde hair is Jasper."*
The vampire gave him a stiff nod, looking like he was trying to pass a kidney stone.
*"And this is—"*
Before she could finish, he was trapped in what could only be described as a bear hug—if the bear was half his size and made of unbreakable marble.
*"Oof—watch the ribs, the ribs!"* he wheezed frantically as she squeezed him.
The tiny vampire loosened her grip slightly, though her arms remained firmly around him. She made a point not to touch the mud on his sleeves as she peered up with golden eyes.
*"Hi, I'm Alice!"* she chirped, giggling like she'd just won the lottery.
He looked down at her—then nearly choked on air.
*I mean, I knew vampires were beautiful… but this? This is just ridiculous.*
Edward froze, his eyes darting between them after only hearing beautiful from him. *"...You didn't just—she's my* sister*!"*
*Right. Mind-reading fanatic. Oops.*
Ever the saint, Esme intervened. *"Why don't you go to your new room and get out of… that?"*
*Wait, I have a room?!* He thought, mentally side-eyeing his dead counterpart floating around him. *He just met them!* he paused realizing how big the house was *right, forgot this place in basically a mansion in its own right*
*"He doesn't even have any clothes in there,"* Alice chimed in.
Before he could dwell on that terrifying implication, the arms around him shifted to a vice-like grip on his wrist. *"Which means I get to take him shopping and dress him up!"* she announced, beaming like she'd just been handed a credit card and a mannequin.
From his knowledge of the books, this meant he was about to spend hours as a glorified dress-up doll. His face scrunched in horror.
*"Uhhh—I think I'll stay in this…"* he said weakly, gesturing to his muddy attire.
Edyth, silent until now, snorted from the couch. *"Yeah, I don't think she was* asking*."*
Emmett barked out a laugh. *"Yep, you never had a choice. And trust me, even *I* wouldn't stay in that outfit this long."*
Alice tugged him toward the door, singing, *"See? Even *they* agree. Now, *come on*!"*
He shot Esme a pleading look, but she just smiled softly as Alice dragged him away like an overexcited child with a new toy.
Adrian barely had time to resist before a sleek yellow Porsche came into view.
*"Get in,"* Alice ordered, already in the driver's seat. The car roared to life, settling into a purr that sounded way too smug for an inanimate object.
Adrian hesitated. *"Isn't this kidnapping?"*
Alice grinned, fangs glinting. *"Only if you scream."*
With no escape in sight, Adrian sighed and surrendered to his fate.
---
The second they hit the mall, Alice became a woman possessed.
*"No, no, that shade of beige is *criminal*,"* she declared, snatching a sweater out of his hands before he could even process holding it. *"You need something that says 'mysterious yet approachable.' Or, better yet—'future husband material.'"*
Adrian choked. *"Excuse me?"*
*"Oh, don't worry, I'm *excellent* at this,"* she said, already piling an armful of clothes into his arms. *"Edward was *so* stubborn with this, but you? You're *much* more fun."*
*"Alice, I swear to—"*
*"Ah-ah! No swearing in the *sacred* space of retail therapy,"* she scolded, holding up a leather jacket. *"Now, try this on. If you look *half* as good as I imagine, we're buying it in every color."*
Adrian groaned. *"You're terrifying."*
Alice winked. *"And you're *welcome*."*
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[this is my first and well mostly experimental fan fic. I'd love some helpful critique if you can, thanks]
[I'm just going to start adding random comments on these little notices]