I think I sort of had an idea
The fact that my trust in people would be broken again.
I am afraid.
Afraid to look back.
Afraid to move on. That is why I was hesitant.
I don't want to think.
I don't want to wonder.
I don't want to look back.
But.. something tells me.. I must.
I was 11 when my father and mother split. I think it was my fault.
And my mother made sure to make me realize that.
Homewrecker.
Cursed child
Devil's spawn
I was 12 when I was taken in by my aunt. The last I saw of my mother was her dropping me off at my aunt's house, turning her back, and leaving.
I never saw her again.
Never heard of her again.
In a way, I was happy I didn't.
My aunt was beautifully kind. I never had an idea that such kindness existed in this world.
Such a kind soul.
She was not well off, but made sure to take care of me. Her sweet words. Her gentle touch. Her soul's warmth.
Such a fragile, kind soul.
But I guess I was wrong to be emotionally attached.
Still, I couldn't resist.
A wise person once said
"Hell is other people."
"Your aunt has lung cancer, son." That was what the doctor told me, just outside of my aunt's patient room.
She had collapsed, seemingly from fatigue. I rushed from school to the hospital when I received the call.
I was the only one my aunt had. So the doctor told me. A terrifying truth.
The only thing in the world I didn't want to hear.
I was afraid to go into the room. To look at her. To break the news to her.
But I was the only one she had. And I was not going to leave her alone.
When I was leaving the room, I looked back at her and she smiled. Such a warm smile. But it hid what was maybe a silent goodbye.
Maybe she knew already. Maybe she didn't.
To cover the hospital's expenses, I broke my piggy bank. It wasn't nearly enough. Of course it wasn't. What was I thinking?
At school, I wasn't very social. But there was a guy who started becoming extra nice to me after I started to look like a despaired person.
I would be lying if I said I didn't see through that facade.
But when darkness overwhelms a person's soul, the only thing he can hope for is light.
I found myself bringing my entire savings to the location he said. What was I thinking? I will never understand. Maybe the small glint of hope that he deceptively showed me had too much of an effect.
When the deception became much clearer, I found myself losing my life. Slowly, painfully.
That is why I am afraid to look back. What I find is despair, darkness, and an utter sense of loss.
When I got sent to this world, I felt like I could let go of these past regrets chasing me.
But I was wrong.
This is why I am afraid to look back. Because the only thing I can see is.. darkness.