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Celine stared at the store in front of her. The tannery was long gone, replaced by a shop with leather goods.
Lucian didn't trust easily, so she went out of her way to prove to him she was worthy of his trust, only to crush it in one day. In the end, who benefited from their encounter? Who learned how to write and read. Who learned the nobles' ways and manners?
'If you killed him that day, the kingdom would have fallen under your control. Getting rid of your weakness would have saved you so many troubles. It would have steeled your resolve, and you would have become stronger, more determined, and more ruthless. Instead, you left him alive, and now he is your enemy. He has the means, knowledge, and desire to destroy you, and you, Celine Rochefort, gave all of that to him!'
Celine took a deep breath, glaring at the cosmetic products behind the glass display, 'I was saving myself when I spared him. What's the point of revenge if you sacrifice yourself to get it? You don't need to get rid of your weakness if you use it as your stepping stone, and stepping stone Lucian became.'
'Are you ready to live the rest of your life with a man who doesn't love you? With a man who might resent you? With a man who might be thinking about ways to make you suffer?'
Celine scoffed at her consciousness, 'If I wasn't ready for us to become enemies, I wouldn't have done that in the first place. If I regretted what I did, I would have been on my knees and begged him for forgiveness. Now, he will never be able to get rid off me, and him unable to trust another human after me? That's just a bonus. If he doesn't trust anyone, he won't get attached to anyone. That's enough for me.'
"Miss, can I help you?" The store clerk approached her outside, a smile plastered on his face, "Were you looking for something in particular?"
Celine walked away. She would rather die than buy anything from this shop, or from any of the stores owned by Lucian. She'd rather die a thousand times than give him her money. It would be like paying a tribute to the one who was treating her like air. She would pretty much prefer him to bully her instead!
'Why do you keep lying to yourself?' A tiny voice inside her whispered, 'He never cared about you for real.'
At those words, Celine's confidence started to crumble. It was a beautiful lie she never wanted to wake up from, that's why. She simply couldn't stop herself from fantasizing about his feelings toward her.
'Why can't you see what's so obvious? He has never been yours to begin with. You were just a tool to him, a stepping stone to his goals. That's why you also did what you did, remember? You were about to be discarded first anyway, so what choice did you have?'
A wave of self-doubt hit her like a tidal wave. She knew she wasn't the most desirable woman in the eyes of most men. She was a Rochefort first and foremost, and Rocheforts were bred for command, not yielding.
'Who would love someone like you? Why would someone choose you over someone like her? A girl that is not only beautiful, but also kind and gentle?'
The academy life flashed in front of Celine's eyes. She built her position with blood and tears, only to watch it shatter in one day because some stupid brats saw her confront a new student.
She set a make up trend, and everyone followed except this girl. She just wanted to remind this girl who was in charge, and out of the sudden, everything turned upside down.
The females students, who were always on her side, began to turn against her, and then the male students, she successfully silenced and turn into obedient servants, began to rebel.
The Crown Prince she used to have a neutral relationship with, suddenly became her enemy. The aristocrats' sons, who were always respectful towards her, were suddenly showing their distaste in the open. All that, just because that girl happened to be their object of interest.
So that's how you protect your woman, she thought, thinking of her man back at home. Always hiding in the shadows, Lucian would never publicly stand up for her, would never show his affection towards her in front of others.
And for what? To remain anonymous? To avoid the limelight?
Celine's emotions overshadowed her reasoning, and she couldn't help but feel bitter.
Her life was a series of mistakes, one after the other, leading her to where she was now.
'Are you afraid that I'll tarnish your reputation?' was the next message she sent to Lucian, 'I'm a walking scandal, so you don't want to associate with me. Is that what it's all about?'
Her letters became more and more spiteful, each time he didn't respond. It was better than worrying whether he was still alive, and it was certainly better to make him hate her. It was to cover the possibility that he had never loved her at all.
'If you can't even admit to having a taste for clowns, then you are not ready to be mine. I'll ruin your image, I'll ruin your reputation. I'll ruin every single good thing about you just to be with you, so you better be ready to lose it all, you coward.'
Was the last letter she sent him.