At the early age of 6,
Reece Lutman began teaching his son, William the motto he ran by.
"A Lutman must never be afraid" William repeated and watched his father congratulate him with a smile.
He could care less about those words.
At age 7, news of Marilyn's pregnancy spread amongst the family and the least excited was Harry.
The baby boy came along and Jeremy, was his name.
As the child laid in the bosom of his crib, William watched speechlessly, unsure of how he felt about the new sibling.
William was still a bit young and Jeremy, still frail and newly born could only be carried by Ruby.
The young Jeremy grew in age, size and William watched him grow.
Everything about Jeremy, the way he walked, the way he spoke, ate, ran, played and even in the littlest of things, William couldn't help but stare at the, elegant, quiet and pompous young boy.
'Divine'.
The boy saw how Reece treated Jeremy.
Whenever each of them had awards in school, he would say a few words but to Jeremy, he never spoke, barely applauded.
One day, among the swings, they sat,
"Do you hate father, resent him I mean"
Jeremy sat for a long while, "Father doesn't hate me, so I don't hate him"
…
William stared at the boy, the precious boy.
'If only Jeremy would look only to him'.
Years went by and still, William could not tell the unease he felt within himself.
He slowly took to writing, poems, novels whatever he could pen to a paper. He embodied himself in characters, chipped away at words and yet couldn't grasp knowledge of;
'Why Jeremy?'
'Who could he tell?', 'Who would even understand?'
Naturally he furthered his education in business and finance, and among the days, he stumbled upon Logan Harris.
Logan was a familiar face and name no doubt but one warm afternoon, he witnessed a side to the boy he felt he was not supposed to see.
The boy hastily and shakily poured out a pile of items on a desk in an empty classroom, knot a thin cable wire tightly round his left bicep before injecting himself with a liquid filled syringe.
William watched Logan's tense and shaky body, ease into a slump as he laid leisurely on the table of the classroom desk. Almost like he had been drained off the unease.
…
It seemed that Logan had grown paler and leaner than he remembered in the past but he also remembered Logan to be among the top students, acing with amazing colors.
'Was he still the same Logan Harris?'
Suddenly, Logan turned and their eyes fell on each other leaving them both startled.
Logan chuckled at a tense William, almost seeming like he had been caught.
"Hello"
William stood still, undecided of his next action.
"This isn't your class, neither your floor, are you in search for something?"
He walked in and shut the door behind him, taking a seat.
"Aren't you worried I'm going to ask?"
"Ask" Logan said softly.
William hesitated for a long while. Logan scoffed.
"I've known you for a while, and I know that you're a coward"
…
They stared at each other. Quiet.
"You just stare with no guts to say what you actually feel" Logan spoke in a hoarse whisper.
William drew his chair closer.
"So, you think its superior and alright to just blurt your feelings with no consideration for the people around you?"
Logan grew irritated, seeing how calm William was for some reason, hurt the figure he had built in himself. The ego.
He didn't give a reply.
"You may think it unnecessary but you are not only yourself" William paused, "Everything you do, not only affects you but the people around as well"
Logan scoffed, sat up and ran his finger through his hair, impressed yet disgusted "So you think I'm childish for saying what I want for my own sanity and comfort?"
William looked at him for a while before starting with a soft, low tune,
"Is that drug an example of sanity?"
…
Logan felt distaste in his heart. He knew he was childish, he knew he could have done better but he also knew that William didn't understand.
To Logan, he was the source of pain for his family. The disruption among the pillars, Harris' and Lutman's. The error.
His presence was the main cause to his mother's death irrespective, he was unable to even see the woman who laid her life for him and bargain with her to undo her decision.
His father was wounded. Just when he had found a solution to their frail mother's failing health and a possible change in the medical field, he, Logan had to come along and undo it all.
His brother was scared, just as their mother had gotten well enough to go on out to live out Ryan's fantasies, he was robbed of even having a proper chance to live out his creativity, leaving his childhood memories with nothing but dreams, wishes and make believes.
Yet they all smiled when he came around as if he couldn't still see the pain in their eyes.
Even if they didn't hate him, he would hate himself for them because he needed to be reminded of the sacrifice and to never ever forget.
…
"You know nothing" Logan packed up his things and walked out of the classroom.
As funny as it may have seemed, beyond the striking -somewhat- first impression, the pair found themselves spending time together.
Logan resorted to pestering and insulting remarks, William resolved with composure interlocked with backlash. Yet, deep down, they both grew to enjoy the comfort of their constant altercation of wits.
Unlike his brother, Logan had a lot to say, his feelings, thoughts, dreams, memories and unlike Ruby, William still couldn't understand himself and his emotions much less how to express them.
Slowly, the two began sharing pieces of themselves with each other from thoughts to certain behaviors to similar dosage of pills.
Along the line, Logan began to want more of William just as much as William began to want more doses.
More of his time, more of his attention, more of William as a being.
Distinguishing yearning from admiration, want from need became a disability for Logan. This then drew a cause for tumult among his muddled feelings.
…
Fighting the storm in himself, Logan fell upon William's manuscripts.
The adult he saw in William began to shatter but even still, he couldn't understand and refused to accept that the 'divine' the words continuously referred to among the lines on the many pages was related to Jeremy.
'Jeremy? Why Jeremy?'
Logan refused to draw a conclusion but rather became more vigilant and indeed, the incestuous suspicions were confirmed.
Logan cried, he couldn't explain his reason for the loss he felt but he knew to choose to bury the thought deep within himself.
…
William could no longer reach Logan for a length of days and slowly, he grew courage to talk to Ruby about his addiction and pain.
Amidst the lengthy days, Logan overdosed into a coma while William convulsed and soon, they were both caught from the blood tests results.
The Harris' drew a conclusion to place Logan under special care while he continued in his medical field, secluding him from dugs alongside heavy surveillance.
The Lutman's came to a decision to dispatch William to the army for a few years before allowing him back to his course of study. Ruby uttered no word, only tears.
Years went by and the pair met yet again, this time, they understood.
'The mess they had caused. The mess of their minds'.