A/N: Guys just tried POV chapter. Share me your thoughts about what I can improve. After all I want to get better at interactions between characters so help me here and there where you see I can improve.
Here are some questions you can answers.
1. Can you check my sentence structure and look for typos?
2. Are my characters interesting enough to keep reading?
3. Is this fight scene or love scene confusing? Did I describe it well enough that you can see what's going on clearly in your imagination?
4. Does this story drag? Is it boring to you?
5. Have I used too much narrative and exposition? What should I trim out?
6. Should I use additional characters to tell this story, or stick with what I have?
7. Should I use more description in some scene, or more dialog? You can also tell which scene you need more dialogs or description individually.
8. Do you like this Main Character, or should I improve him in different direction? Though I like him like this. So a quick change won't we happening but you can tell me any minor changes you want in him.
9. Should I keep writing this or scrap the whole thing?
10. Is my dialog entertaining enough to keep you interested?
11. Did I do good this time? Is this an improvement on my last work?
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It was dusk, as we were going through park.
Not as a part of the date just that it was on the way.
But maybe I should have taken the long way rather than going through here.
Why? Because even with the sun still hanging out not dark yet, I spotted something ridiculous.
A girl with huge black wings, dressed in what I can only describe as a mix between dominatrix gear and cosplay nightmare.
Leather straps, revealing outfit, and a glowing red spear that looked like it belonged in a JRPG boss fight.
Do people in this world are so bold? Also what's with the red glowing spear?
People of this world have weird choice, isn't it supposed to be whip or something?
At first, I thought it was some edgy street performance.
You know, underground theater types trying to shock the normies.
She stood dramatically over a boy—probably my age or a year older—kneeling in front of her.
And without warning, she rammed the spear through his gut.
It pierced clean through.
I could see the spear's tip sticking out from his back, coating it in blood.
Blood dripped from the wound in slow, thick rivulets, pooling beneath him.
She then pulled the spear out with a sickening squelch.
I start clapping their show is so real that it's look completely real.
"Bravo. 10/10 on props and sound effects."
That black SM exhibitionist girl turn to us then gave a theatrical bow like she was flattered, like it was a great performance and she is happy that there are spectators here.
Then she stepped on the boy's head—heel grinding cruelly—and without warning… SPLAT!
The boys head exploded like an overripe watermelon as the piece of his brain matter splashed on me.
I stood frozen.
Well it was one thing of glowing stick piercing and blood coming as performance but it's completely different for brain matter to fly like this.
The scent was too real.
It can be that it was just pigs brain in a balloon with a head mask but the way he moved while bleeding and stabbed wasn't really saying that it was just a balloon.
Ok.... things got really out of hands I should have just stayed silent and let them do their perverted things.
I looked at Koneko I don't know what she is thinking but probably shocked by the death she froze.
The exhibitionist girl said to me amusedly.
"Well I didn't thought I would have spectators for my small show at all, wanna join it?"
I said calmly or trying to sound casual while freaking out inside.
"Eya~ sorry we were just passing by from here we didn't meant to watch your private show~"
She was still smiling replied.
"Well too bad now I am angry that you don't want to watch my show.~"
Before she can say or do anything I grabbed Koneko in princess-style and make the run for it.
The girl just smiled and throw the spear at us.
I instinctively ducked, shielding Koneko but suddenly I remembered something I nearly or almost forgotten about.
A long, inky-black hand rose from my shadow—graceful, bone-thin fingers curled lightly around the spear.
It snapped it in half effortlessly.
The girl narrowed her eyes as she made another spear of red glowing light out of nowhere throwing at us.
Another hand came and break it apart.
Before she can continue suddenly she felt chills down her spine.
My shadow now stretched endlessly as if covering everything behind me in endless liquid tar.
Two massive glowing blue eyes stared at her as dark black chains appeared already binding her her limbs and neck.
She didn't even get a chance to scream or resist as she was suddenly dragged all the way to my shadow submerging her in it.
As she get drown in my shadow completely my shadow became normal.
Well that was one hell of a ride today.
I loved it very much.
Suddenly a red magic circle appeared out of nowhere as a red-hair girl came out of it.
She looked at me and the body as she said to not me but the one in my arms.
"Koneko? What are you doing here?"
…
Koneko POV
…
It was an okay day for me.
It was not a bad day I guess.
The boy named Zevion is weird but not in a bad way... well maybe he is.
He was immature, childish, annoying, caring and most importantly don't really treat me like a different person who needs to be looked up.
Most people either treated me like a child, or tried to pet me like some kind of mascot. Some even called me "cute" like I was a pet cat.
But this boy never treated me like that.
Infact even at our pretend date he never complimented me for been cute or something.
Didn't fawn over me or try to flirt.
Honestly it was annoying.
He was one of the few friends that I made all on my own so I guess I will let it slide.
He clearly had no idea how to talk to girls.
If he ever wanted a real girlfriend, he'd better learn how to give compliments properly.
Still… it wasn't a bad day so I could tolerate him for another outing.
He offered me to drop home but I don't want him to find out about supernatural world as I was planning to go met President.
She had found a boy who could possibly a scared gear user and not just ordinary but a very strong one at that.
I didn't want Zevion to be caught up in supernatural business.
So I just said half way would be fine.
As we were on our way back and pass through the park.
We saw a fallen angel killing the boy President told could have the strong scared gear.
The one we were supposed to recruit.
I froze.
Blood. Screams. The smell of death.
Memories came flooding back.
I was a child again. Watching helplessly. Failing to protect others.
But while I was frozen in my memory I heard the sound of clapping.
This idiot Zevion is clapping like it was a show.
I wanna smack this guy hard...
As she burst that head of the scared gear user and brain matter flew around he seem to realize that it was a real deal.
He look like he is still clam as he talked casually but grabbed my hand tightly.
Honestly I was confused if I should just go to battle but the fallen angel has greater speed and I will not be able to protect Zevion.
I decided to find an opening when suddenly that idiot Zevion lift me up and make a run for it.
That was a bad decision a fallen angel can just shoot at her targets from even far away with magic.
"Wha—put me down—you idiot!" I started, but the spear was already flying.
I decided to save him when a pressure like death washed over me.
I was scared, very scared.
I don't know why but I was just scared.
My instincts screamed.
My spine turned to ice.
The spear that was coming at as suddenly stopped.
From Zevion's shadow, hands of darkness emerged a shadowy hand as it break it easily but the fear wasn't coming from that or anything that side.
It was coming from behind.
I was shivering as I turned my head back and saw the shadow stretching endlessly, like liquid tar, with two massive glowing blue eyes.
Suddenly, chains emerged from it, dragging the fallen angel into the shadow as if it were a lake.
That thing within the lake drowned the fallen angel.
Suddenly it gone back to normal as if nothing like this ever happened.
That idiot Zevion looked relaxed... too relaxed!
Doesn't he know what just happened!
"Konkeo? What are you doing here?"
Suddenly I hear President's voice.
But I couldn't answer.
Because in that moment, only one thought repeated in my mind:
"What... Just happened?"
I said too confuse to form a thought.