Let's rewind to Friday, a truly miserable day with rain coming down in sheets.
Harry had just finished Quidditch practice, and he was so utterly drained he could barely speak. All he wanted was to collapse onto his bed in the dorm. Wood, bless his heart, had picked up a new tactic from Merlin-knows-where. The plan was that once the Chaser got the Quaffle, they shouldn't rush. Instead, the two Beaters would control the Bludgers, giving the Chaser all the time in the world to hold onto the Quaffle without any pressure, allowing Harry to snatch the Golden Snitch and secure victory.
"Because we've got the best Seeker, the opposition will obviously focus on whoever's holding the Quaffle!" Wood had declared with an almost disturbing enthusiasm.
Fred, however, suspected this brilliant tactic had been leaked to Wood by the Slytherins. After all, the opposing team wouldn't just stand there like a pack of dunderheads, letting him and George control the Bludgers.
"If we actually use that tactic, the Slytherins will be laughing Gryffindor right out of the castle, calling us cowards!" George had stated bluntly.
But Wood, as stubborn as a troll, wasn't swayed and dragged everyone out for more practice in the downpour.
When Harry finally stumbled back into the common room, he spotted Hermione feeding Hedwig, and that sight alone was enough to wake him right up.
"Harry, you're back! Hedwig brought a parcel for you," Hermione said, handing it over. Harry took the package, relieved to see it was still tightly wrapped.
"Harry, what did you buy? Is it a book about Legilimency?" Hermione asked, her curiosity piqued.
Ever since Harry had spun that yarn to Hermione about Opening Other People's Minds not being able to be opened, he'd found himself having to tell more and more elaborate lies to cover the first one.
"Uh, yes, it is. I, er, found it in a second-hand bookshop..." Harry mumbled, already grabbing the parcel and preparing to make a quick escape, but Hermione wasn't about to let him off that easily.
"What exactly does 'FRESH PIG BRAIN' written on the parcel mean?"
Harry froze. Faced with Hermione's insistent questioning, he was utterly baffled.
He looked down, and sure enough, there it was, those four words emblazoned on the parcel. "Merlin's beard," he thought, "is this shop completely bonkers? Aren't they worried about customer complaints, writing something like that on the outside?"
(The shop owner would likely say: "A misunderstanding, dear customer! We're a reputable potion ingredients shop, and those labels are just for sorting our wares. Adult wizards quite like this system. How was I to know you were merely a student?")
At this point, a thousand runic snakes slithered through Harry's mind.
"Alright, fine, it's actually pig brain that I bought," Harry admitted, unable to conjure a better excuse in such a short time. He simply had to tell the truth.
"Pig brain? Harry, my father did mention that people from the Far East enjoy pig brain, but you really didn't have to..." Hermione clearly misunderstood.
"Yes, I wanted to try it," Harry said, playing along smoothly. Seeing that Hermione was about to say more, he quickly changed the subject, mentioning that Slytherin had found a new Seeker.
"Did you know Draco Malfoy is Slytherin's new Seeker? And his father even bought Nimbus 2001s for the entire team!"
Hermione was indeed distracted and stopped pressing him about the pig brain. Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
Looking back now, Hermione had obviously been suspicious, but she trusted Harry, so she hadn't pressed him further.
Harry hesitated for a moment, then decided to tell Hermione about the Muddled Brain Charm. Hermione looked absolutely horrified.
"Turn someone's brain into mush? Harry, that's clearly Dark Magic! Don't tell me you've already started practicing it?" Hermione exclaimed, immediately attempting to drag Harry off to Madam Pomfrey. She still remembered Malfoy ending up in the Hospital Wing after using Dark Magic that last time (Harry hadn't told Hermione he'd used the Snake Summons Spell too).
Harry had to talk her down quite a bit, then he explained everything from the very beginning.
"Harry, I think your idea is spot-on. Draco Malfoy is just a spoiled brat; his parents would never let him near such evil magic." Hermione wholeheartedly agreed with Harry's theory, though she clearly overlooked the vast difference between wizarding world values and those of the Muggle world.
"Hermione, I've looked through some books. They all say the Malfoy family highly reveres Dark Arts, which is why I wanted to double-check in the Restricted Section."
"Even so, you shouldn't have kept it from me," Hermione chided Harry, then whispered, "I'm not a burden, you know."
Harry opened his mouth, then finally said, "You're not a burden, Hermione. And don't worry, I'm not keeping anything from you now." Except for the plan with the Weasley twins to expose Lockhart, of course, Harry added silently to himself.
Hermione's spirits were a bit low, but she quickly recovered. "Since you've found the relevant book in the Restricted Section, the next step is to get it out!" Hermione declared.
"I was planning to sneak in tonight with the Invisibility Cloak. I think that screaming noise is just some sort of defensive charm, and I reckon a Silencing Charm would do the trick." Harry laid out his plan to Hermione, but, predictably, it was met with disapproval.
"No way. We need to think of other methods first. We should only resort to stealing as a last resort," Hermione said in a firm, unyielding tone.
Harry sighed. He'd known Hermione wouldn't agree to him stealing the book. It was one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to tell her in the first place; Hermione was simply too righteous.
They walked back to the castle in silence.
"I've got it!" Hermione suddenly exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. "We can get a professor to write us a library pass without a specific purpose!"
"No professor would ever agree to write a note like that for students, especially not for second-years like us," Harry said, feeling utterly deflated.
"No, there is one professor who doesn't look at the content when he signs things," Hermione said, pausing for emphasis. "I've seen Professor Lockhart sign things for students without even glancing at them. As long as you compliment his smile, he'll sign anything!"
Harry realized there was a strong chance this method could actually work. He hadn't seen Lockhart signing things, but he wouldn't put it past that flamboyant peacock to do such a thing. Then, Harry's mind caught on something.
"Hermione, how do you know what Professor Lockhart's like when he signs things? I remember after that Cornish Pixie incident, Lockhart disappeared pretty quickly after every Defence Against the Dark Arts class," Harry asked, a suspicious glint in his eye.
Hermione huffily told Harry not to worry about it, that she would be responsible for getting the note.
"You didn't go get an autographed picture from Lockhart, too, did you?" Harry asked belatedly.
"So what if I did! Professor Lockhart's books are all so..."
Realizing Harry had caught her, Hermione abandoned all pretense and began passionately extolling the virtues of Lockhart's books to Harry. Harry had, of course, read those books. He admitted they were well-written, but he simply couldn't stand seeing Hermione so utterly smitten with Lockhart.
"Looks like I'll have to hurry the Weasley twins along," Harry thought, annoyed. "We need to expose Lockhart's true colours soon."
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