The weekend flew by quickly. But that's just how it is, right? No matter how much we don't want it to end, it always does — and if we try to make it short, it still feels long.
On Saturday and Sunday, I studied all day, and also went for a little grocery shopping. Everything was fine, until the evenings, when darkness fell.
I'm not really a scaredy-cat, and I've lived alone before, but this apartment building was sometimes creepy.
I can't say exactly why. It's just the atmosphere. Since I moved here a few days ago, I haven't seen a single soul — even though on my floor, besides my door, there are about ten others. Oh well...
Monday went smoothly too.
I had a neuropsychology lecture, an anatomy class, plus a small group seminar about clinical presentations of memory disorders. Full of new interesting facts and information again.
But when I thought about how, this time tomorrow, I'd be standing in the dissection room with an unknown person's opened-up head while the professor poked around inside it, and we were watching… my hands were already trembling and my stomach was in knots.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk much with my friends because, anyway, we don't have much free time at the university. So as soon as the day was over, I hurried home to mentally prepare for tomorrow.
I was a little embarrassed that I want to become a neurological specialist but only know the theory — at least I think I do, because I always learn it — but I'm capable of fainting near a corpse. Someone who's already dead and couldn't harm even a fly.
Honestly, I always have this thought in my head… what if it suddenly wakes up?
I know that's physically impossible, but still, that's what I think when I'm with the dead.
And Friday's class, where we talked about the brain's state after death, was just the icing on the cake.
Maybe I should find a mentor for a while, someone to tutor me.
Tuesday came quickly too, so after a nightmare during the night, I woke up confused from a bed that smelled different and shuffled to the bathroom to do my morning routine and fix my blonde hair on top of my head.
For breakfast, I wasn't in the mood to eat more than a granola bar. It might still end up in the toilet after the dissection. It's happened before — I've thrown up after class. More than once.
When I arrived at school, I immediately headed to the changing room with my friends who had stuck with me.
We were a little late, but still managed to put on our white coats, gloves, rubber-soled shoes, and masks in time.
Holding a small notebook, we waited for the professor to lead us to the now familiar dissection room.
"Jae, you're ridiculously tense. Relax a bit. It's just a class." — Baek whispered to me.
"I can't control my feelings right now." — I whispered back.
"Then just focus on what the professor says and try not to get sick." — he encouraged me.
The air was colder than I remembered. The pale tiles reflected the harsh light of the fluorescent lamps, and every step echoed softly on the marble as the professor finally arrived and led us into the room.
The others were talking quietly, whispering, some already putting on gloves, others just staring at the body on the table as if they still couldn't get used to its presence.
Neither could I.
The gloves crinkled as I put them on, and the usual nausea was already creeping up my stomach before the professor spoke.
Dr. Han, our anatomy instructor, was a tall, lean man. He always moved as if a rulebook was wedged between his ribs. Yet when he spoke, there was always a strange calm in his voice, which made the whole thing even more eerie.
He stopped at the end of the table and looked at us.
"The body you will see today… is not a corpse. At least, not how you should look at it.
This body once loved someone.
It was cold. It dreamed. Maybe it feared death.
And now it's in your hands… for you to learn from."
He looked around, measuring us one by one. His voice wasn't harsh, but every word carried weight — and that was the most oppressive thing.
"Anatomy isn't just muscles and nerves.
This dissection room isn't just for learning.
Here, it becomes clear who can handle it… and who only thought they could." — His gaze slid over me. I knew he meant me. I had fainted in his class last time too...
The others stood silently. Some took notes, as if the person lying before us was not a human but just a drawing in the margin of a textbook.
And I… tried not to look at the face.
As they pulled the sheet off the upper part of the body, a pale, almost waxy skull shape appeared under the skin, with shaved hair and aged features. It wasn't the old age that scared me. It was the feeling that immediately overwhelmed me.
Like a long-forgotten memory returning… not as a picture, but a sensation.
Cold. A tightness in my lungs. A familiar, ominous pressure.
At the first incision, my stomach clenched. The sharp snap of the scalpel on the bone sounded just like the exploding fragments of memory in my mind. A name. A scream. A feeling that I wasn't alone.
But no one was paying attention to me.
With my head tilted to the side, I took notes. My hand trembled slightly, but just enough to go unnoticed. I even breathed slowly and evenly as I studied.
Just studying. Nothing more. Just studying.
While Dr. Han spoke about the nerve pathways around the cerebellum, I tried not to think about how this body had once dreamed.
Like I do.
And how somehow those dreams are now echoing inside me.
I don't usually remember my dreams, but now, seeing the dead, I remembered every detail and was haunted by it throughout the whole class.
I pulled my mask up to my eyes to make sure they couldn't see my suffering face. I had to throw up, but I wasn't allowed to leave, so I went through one of the worst days of my life again.
Only Lee and Baek seemed to notice my unusual behavior by the looks I got. Maybe the professor guessed too…
When class ended and the corpse was cleared away, I ran to the changing room and successfully emptied my stomach in the toilet again. It didn't last long — a pretty straightforward few minutes — then, like someone who did their job well, I flushed and felt relieved before changing back to regular clothes with the others.
"Jae, Jae… Are you feeling better now?" Baek sighed.
"I think so." I grabbed my bag.
"Drink lots of water throughout the day and don't eat right after vomiting, okay?" He patted my back.
Then we heard knocking at the door, and Dr. Han opened it for a moment. He never did that before…
"Park Min Jae. Please come with me for a moment." He addressed me, and again I started feeling sick, but immediately went out to the hallway to talk with him.
"Yes, sir? I'm sorry I caused trouble in your class again!" I bowed apologetically.
"Well, yes Min Jae. I forgave the first few times, but the fact that you either faint or get sick in all my classes, I can't tolerate anymore. It disturbs the work of the other students. I know you're one of the best students in this field, but let's be honest… if you want to keep being the best, you need help. Urgently. You can't faint on the final exam, that's for sure. Talk to your study group leader, she can help you." He said firmly, but without any mockery, which was comforting.
"Alright! I will do my best!" I bowed again.
"I expect it! And remember! Asking for help is human. One of Korea's best specialists studied here and started just like you — throwing up near corpses. And now he's one of the best in this field. Don't give up!" He patted my shoulder and left me there.
"There aren't many teachers like him… I didn't know he was so kind." My two best friends stepped beside me as Lee admired the professor's retreating figure.
"Our study group leader, Miss Ling Bi, isn't bad either. She's helpful too." Baek said.
"That's because she's a woman. Women tend to be kinder and more empathetic." The brown-haired one shrugged.
"I think it's just a matter of personality." I chimed in as we headed to our next class, which would be clinical imaging — MRI, CT, brain cases, and so on. At least no corpse there.
"So Jae, what did Dr. Han tell you?"
"Well, that I urgently need to find a mentor to help me not faint on the final exam. Otherwise, I'll lose my high scholarship too." I made a face.
"But if Professor Seo leaves soon, and Dr. Han doesn't offer help, who could tutor you?" Lee asked.
"That's the problem. I have no idea. After classes, I'll visit Miss Ling Bi; she'll surely know the solution.
Or at least I hope so…