I didn't wait for her at all. I took the IV out of my arms immediately. I wanted, needed to see myself in a mirror or at least get a better view of myself. My arms and legs didn't match my body, and I needed to see what else didn't match. Jumping out of bed I made my way to the bathroom in my room. I don't know what it was maybe the panic maybe I wasn't thinking right but the door felt bigger. No. I am losing my mind this has to be the meds they have me on. I opened the door, went to the mirror and scream, slipped on my ass and went into even more panic state. That person wasn't me, I slowly made my way back to the mirror and took a closer at look at the child staring back at me. He had light brown skin, like my own, black hair and a face that would make most women call 'cute'. He moved his hands the same way I was moving my owns. This is me? I kept touching my face, double and triple checking that I wasn't imagining any of this. That this was real, that I had somehow gotten here.
Is this a dream? No, that can't be. Hallucinations? No that isn't right either I knew patients with hallucinations before and this wasn't it..right? Did I die? Is this the afterlife, but that didn't make sense either. Well neither did waking up as in a child`s body.
WAIT. Did that kid die? Did I take over his body, am I a ghost that haunted this kid and took his body. I didn't want to go down that rabbit hole, not right now.
I looked back at the person in the mirror and realized that my face could be mistaken for a…I quickly fumbled to look at my private parts. I was already having a very bad experience right now, and really didn't want to deal with being the wrong gender too.
I breath a sigh of relief when I saw that I still could identify as a male, but was upset with how small it was. Wait this isn't my body..or..is..wait am I a pervert for looking at this[my] body penis? Does that make me a creep that I checked?
It felt wrong, all of this felt wrong. I spent years working hard in my life, going to school, meeting my girlfriend about to get married. Hell I was a few semesters away from my bachelor`s degree. I was going to get married, have a family, go to medical school and be a doctor. Now…my family, my friends, my life.
Gone..I didn't even know how to feel about all of this. I felt like I was playing a game, at the final part with crazy hours in and someone said 'nope' and delete all my work. What was the point of it, if I just restart at the beginning. Was this a one time thing, or would I reincarnated again and again forever.
My mother had told me once when bragging about me that I was a smart child growing up. That I never cried as a baby, that I was able to read and write faster than most if not all my peers. That I could ride a bike at 2 years old without training wheels that I had been the youngest she and her friends had seen a child be potty trained without help. I thought that was cool, but now thinking about it what if I had reincarnated before..what if all of my prior life was a lie that I would start over and over again like that titan in greek mythology. To die over and over again…
I wanted to get these thoughts out of my mind, the thoughts of this child body, his past, his everything. And I also wanted to get rid of these thoughts of my life being a lie but the more I tried to get away from them the more my mind start asking more questions.
'Are you a ghost that haunts children to take over their bodies like a creep'
' did you steal this kids life to get more'
'You are going to hell for this'
'What if that child`s soul is still in here and you just killed it'
'What if life was just a stimulation, all that worked you did'
"NO!"
My breathing went heavy, the walls felt like they were closing in, my face felt wet. I moved, ran out of the room. Rushed out of my hospital room and just kept going down the hall. I didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it, but I was scared. I don't know where I was before one of the hospital staff or at least I think it was grabbed me.
"Kid breath…in and out. That's it in and out slow, and steady. Here take this"
My focus was on the floor and my breathing but I saw hands come towards me and in it was a rubber ball. I grabbed it, and it felt like a rubber band ball that my friends and I use to make in high school.
"Now I want you to describe to me the ball, how it feels in your hand. That is the only thing I want you to focus on alright. Nothing else."
I did what he said, describing the ball in my hands with as much detail as possible. Going as far as saying the temperature and weight of it. I don't know how long it was before my mind had calmed down but my breathing wasn't. It was annoying to be calm or at least as close to it as possible but still breathing like you just ran for your life.
"How are you feeling now? Better I hope"
It occurred to me that this whole time I haven't even looked at the person who helped me. When I did I was face to face with what I seriously thought was Santa Claus. He was an older gentleman, probably in his sixties, with a full beard, gray hair. He was a fairly overweight man as well. He was wearing dark blue overalls with a white shirt, what he was wearing only made it look more like he was Santa. If Santa was from the south, not the north.
I almost laughed at the thought, Santa couldn't be real. But, reincarnation shouldn't be real either but here I am. I guess I will have the mentality that just because I don't see it doesn't mean I should at least believe it.
"Yeah. Better" I said to him. I think I will call him Santa in my head, regardless of what his name is
"That's good. You gave the trauma staff a good scare. From what I have been told you screamed and ran off. Lucky for you and them I like to make my rounds around the hospital at this time. Oh I almost forgot my name is Paul I am the Psych-counselor here."
He was the psychologist that worked here most likely. He probably saw how young I was and thought that I wouldn't know what that was. Which makes sense, I just got over a panic attack and giving me a lot of information isn't a good idea.
"Thank you" I said
"No problem. Now let`s get you young man back to your room. If I know Dr. Smith as I do then he is probably worried about you."
We walked down the halls, passing rooms and staff members and patients alike. Paul kept talking about this and that. Sometimes about what he enjoyed doing in his free time, and other small stuff like that. He tried to get me to talk to him, but I just kept saying "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I figured it was better to play that card than to tell them the truth about my situation. Who would believe me anyway, I don't believe myself and this is happening to me.
The walk took a lot longer than I thought it would. I most have ran far to have taken this long to get back. When we got the trauma room the bird face nurse was there. She along with most of the staff members breathed a collective sigh of relief when they saw me. She came up to me and said
"Max, please go back to your room. I will let Dr.Smith know you are back"
I nodded and did as she told me to do. I didn't want to argue with her, nor did I have the energy for it. I felt tired, and honestly just wanted to sleep. When I got back to the room, I jumped straight on the bed and thought about how this would go.
I decided that I would just not think about anything regarding my…situation and just tried to act. I would just forgot about my other life, and try to just forget about it. Bury it deep, lock the key and try to convince myself that it was part of the nightmare dream that I had. That had before right, people having crazy dreams after experiencing a blunt trauma right? Yeah it was and no one would or could convince me otherwise.
It was safer and better this way. I also thought about what I would tell the doctor when he came in. I didn't have any memories of this life, I didn't know how old I was. I didn't know anything so my excuse of 'I don't know' and 'I don't remember' is going to be my key to this. For the questions that I already told him, I will just say that I thought I was someone else or something like that.
I didn't get a chance to think further when the door to my room opened in. It was Dr.Smith and Santa that came in. They both looked a little worried, which wasn't good.
"Max, you met our psychologist Dr.Goodman. He tells me that you don't remember much. We both agreed that its best if we get some test done. We also want to keep you under observation"
Paul spoke up after him and said
"Max there are a few questions I need to ask you. Are you hearing or seeing anything right now?"
"No"
"Good, and are you having any thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or someone else?"
"No" I couldn't risk dying again. Who knows where I would end up at.
"That's good. We are going to keep you here for a few days. Just to make sure that you are okay, after that-" he stopped what he was saying before continuing
"Max…about your parents. I am sorry but they didn't make it"
"Oh…what does that mean" I said. I was genuinely curious about what would happen next for me. I felt bad about them dying but I had no memories of my parents anyway. It was hard to miss something when you don't even remember it. I guess I will just bury this trauma too. I laughed at himself and couldn't help but think of how massive my trauma graveyard was going to be in the future.
"It means that your mom and dad are in a better place right now, and that they wont be able to see you anymore."
"Oh" was the only thing I could say in this situation. I didn't know what to say, do I yell or cry or something? This has been the most difficult day of my life, I just want it to be over with already.
After our talk they sent me to get my blood drawn, and ran some scans of my brain. The brain scan nearly gave me a heart attack with how close the thing got to my face. Once all the test were done, they sent me to the inpatient unit. Which I could tell from looking at was an inpatient pedi psy ward. I didn't mind it, if anything I was happy to be here. It gave me a chance to get my bearings on this world, my situation and to come to terms with everything.