I shouldn't be here.
That thought kept looping in my head as i walked beside Ken in silence, a plastic hospital envelope clutched in one hand, and his jacket draped over my other arm.
I had been discharged.
I was supposed to feel relieved, maybe grateful.
But i didn't feel anything.
Just… tired.
We walked instead of taking a cab. He didn't ask if i wanted to. He just said, "Let's walk a bit," and i didn't argue.
Maybe because i didn't want to go back to my apartment yet.
Or maybe because a part of me was hoping that if we walked slow enough, this moment wouldn't end.
It was late morning.
The city felt too bright.
I hadn't eaten much.
I wasn't even sure if the nausea was from hunger or from everything i hadn't said.
Ken bought taho from a vendor parked at the corner.
He offered it to me without a word.
I took it.
Didn't even say thank you.
He didn't seem to mind.
When we got to our apartment, I unlocked my door, stepped inside, and left it open.
I wasn't expecting him to follow.
But he did.
Quietly, like he wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay or just see me in.
And then i cracked.
I don't even remember dropping my things. I just turned around and walked straight into him, burying my face in his shoulder, arms wrapping around him like i needed him to hold me together.
He froze.
Then slowly, his arms circled around me too.
It felt too much. Too
familiar.
His scent.
His warmth.
His stillness.
I didn't plan it.
I didn't even think.
I just kissed him.
Not soft. Not sweet. Not romantic.
Desperate.
I felt him hesitate then respond.
His lips moved with mine like they remembered something, like they wanted to forget everything else.
My hands were shaking when i pulled away.
So was my breath.
He looked at me like he didn't understand what just happened.
Like he didn't trust it.
Like he was waiting for me to explain.
But i couldn't.
"Cass," he said softly.
The sound of my name made me feel like i was being gutted.
"What… are we?"
His voice was quiet, but the words hit me like a scream. What were we?
I didn't know.
And maybe that was the problem.
I wasn't ready to answer.
Maybe i never would be.
So i did what i always did when i couldn't face something.
I stayed silent.
His jaw tensed, like he expected it.
Like he already knew.
He took a step back, gently pulling my hands off of him like he didn't want to, but had to.
"Think about it first," he said. "Whatever this is. Think about what you really want."
He left after that.
Closed the door behind him.
And i stood there, still tasting him on my lips, still trying to catch my breath, still trying to convince myself that i didn't just lose him again.
But i knew the truth.
He deserved something simple.