Journal Entry #2
I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm just saying... if he smiled at me like that again, I might combust. Or maybe melt. Or both. Anyway. Senior year's off to a totally normal, not-at-all chaotic start.
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The sun was stupidly bright for the first day of school. I blamed it for everything — the way my stomach twisted, the heat rushing to my face, the fact that I'd changed my outfit three times even though I swore I wasn't trying to impress anyone.
I wasn't.
Except maybe… Grayson.
But that didn't count, right? I'd had a crush on him since forever. He was basically part of the friend group cool, flirty, unfairly good at everything and totally not into me. Probably. Okay, definitely. Right?
I spotted him by the front steps, laughing at something Lena said. His hand brushed her arm and I felt a weird twinge in my chest.
Nope. Not going there today.
"Senior year," Jordan said, bumping my shoulder as we walked in. "You ready?"
"As I'll ever be," I muttered, adjusting the strap on my bag.
Amaya twirled her braid behind us, already snapping pictures for her feed. "You look tense, Rea. Like... romantically overwhelmed tense."
I gave her a look. "Can we not?"
Too late. My brain had already started spiraling.
Blake was leaning against his car, talking to Ava from the cheer team laughing, charming, doing that annoying thing where he looked like a model without even trying.
We used to talk more last year. He even used to flirt. But now? He barely looked at me in public. When he did, it was usually to roll his eyes or make some snide joke.
"Why do you even still like him?" Lena whispered beside me as we passed.
"I don't," I said way too quickly.
She gave me a knowing look. "Sure."
The halls buzzed with people and laughter and noise. Everyone seemed taller, shinier, more confident after summer. Meanwhile, I was trying to remember how to breathe like a normal human.
Then there was Xander.
The quiet, sarcastic guy who sat alone in the back of Chem last year. We'd started talking more over summer, totally by accident, after we were stuck in a group project. Now, he felt... different. Comfortable.
Until we got to school and he barely looked at me in the hallway. Typical.
Lena, Amaya, and Jordan broke off to different classes, leaving me in the middle of the hallway traffic jam. I turned, looking for Grayson or anyone really when I slammed straight into someone.
"Watch it," a deep voice snapped.
Blake.
Of course.
His hand gripped my arm to steady me, but his expression was all cold edge. "Careful. Wouldn't want you tripping over your fans."
The girls behind him giggled.
My face burned. "Right. Sorry."
And then he walked away.
Grayson caught up with me before third period, flashing that annoyingly perfect smile.
"You okay?" he asked, brushing a piece of hair from my face. "You look... I don't know. Kinda cute when you're flustered."
I forgot how to breathe for half a second. "I—uh—I'm good."
He winked. "See you at lunch."
My brain was still rebooting when Xander passed by.
"Wow," he said dryly, "you're really collecting hearts today."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, confused.
He shrugged. "Nothing. Just... don't let them mess with you."
And then he was gone.
I sat through math, barely absorbing anything. I doodled in my notebook, wrote half a lyric to a melody that played in my head, then crossed it out. Sometimes, I wondered if being a songwriter would help me sort through the chaos in my head.
Sometimes, I wondered if anything could.
By the time lunch rolled around, I felt like my heart had been playing hopscotch all morning. Grayson had smiled at me like I was something, not just someone. Blake had acted like I didn't matter, even though we used to talk about everything music, acting, how he hated sports but played anyway. And Xander? He was just a walking contradiction: always distant, but sometimes quietly kind, like he noticed more than he let on.
Lena nudged me hard in the ribs.
"Okay. Don't panic. But look."
I followed her gaze and froze.
Blake. Grayson. Xander.
All three of them.
Looking at me.
At the same time.
Grayson smiled, slow and easy. Xander raised an eyebrow like he was trying to read my mind. And Blake he didn't smile, but his eyes lingered just a second longer than they should have before turning away.
I swallowed. My pulse was racing for no reason. Or maybe for three reasons.
At lunch, the friend group sat in the courtyard like usual. Lena and Amaya were debating outfits for Friday's welcome party, and Jordan was making dumb impressions of our English teacher from last year. Grayson slid into the seat next to me like he belonged there, his arm brushing mine.
"Are you going Friday?" he asked.
I blinked. "To the party?"
He nodded. "You should. It'll be fun."
"I might," I said, heart kicking up a beat.
He leaned in slightly. "Wear red. You look good in red."
I was sure my entire face turned the color of a tomato.
Across the table, Blake watched me like he was trying to solve a puzzle. He didn't say anything, but he also didn't stop watching.
Xander, sitting alone near the edge of the courtyard, tossed a grape into the air and caught it in his mouth, looking completely unbothered. When he noticed me staring, he smirked.
And for a split second, I smiled back.
What was happening to me?
Journal Entry #3
So...
Blake hates me.
Grayson flirts.
Xander confuses me.
And I am so not okay.