Jade
I've been home for three days, and it feels like forever since I landed at LAX.
Dad didn't really expect to see me at the gate, so he looked bored, thinking he'd had a wasted trip. But his face transformed as soon as he saw me trudging along with my suitcase and a bag full of packages.
I hugged him tightly and felt truly good.
This is home. This is love.
As we drove home, I didn't stop talking for a moment: about the talent show, the Lee family, my friends. Not a word, though, about Min-Ho, even though I think he understood my heartbreak. And he was so gentle as to pull my head onto his shoulder and say sweetly, "Come on, little star, even if you don't see the sunshine, he'll always be there to brighten your life."
And I know he's right.
Because Min is my sunshine and always will be.
"Jadiiieeeeeeeee."
Karin's scream brings me back to reality, and I look out from the internal balcony of the house to peek into the living room.
"What are you yelling at?" I reply, yelling back.
"It's on air," she replies, all stiff, sprawled out on the couch with a huge basket of popcorn in her hand.
I rush down the ladder and, jumping from the back of the chair, sit next to her.
I confess I haven't streamed a single episode of the talent show I participated in; I was afraid I wouldn't be able to judge myself objectively.
Last night Min sent me a link and I watched my audition: it was so much fun!
No, I mean, I looked at myself and I was ashamed as hell!
I was awkward, clumsy... and I cried like a fountain!
And people loved it... no, I mean? How can you appreciate someone who bursts into tears like I did when she found out I'd made it?
I won't deny I was excited; I'd performed the routine well.
But when you watch yourselves in a video, don't you criticize yourself?
I made a thousand comments about my clothes, my hair, my smile. And can you imagine how I looked at Min?
I had a look on my face like a boiled fish. I can believe they thought he'd recommended me.
But I have to admit, he had heart-shaped eyes that... no, nothing.
I didn't think anything. Just remembering our two days together makes me want to cry.
And I cried, damn it. Throughout the flight home, so much so that the stewardess brought me a whole pack of Kleenex, thinking I'd had some kind of misfortune.
I was relieved I hadn't left him alone, but I felt torn apart by every step or kilometer I took away from him.
Now that I'm far away, I can say it: I'm madly in love with him, and it's not just a crush.
But what was I supposed to do?
Stay there until he got tired of me?
Risk being discovered and kicked out by his manager?
Because that's how things go with idols, and their fans never forget anything.
I sigh as the theme tune plays and the delayed broadcast of the last episode airs.
The whole family is gathered in front of the TV, and I'm a little embarrassed.
Sherry squeezes my hand and I smile: she knows how I feel; I told her about Min, and she reassured me I'd made the right choice.
"If it's your destiny, you'll see him again," she whispered, and I truly hope that's true.
Lee Su-heok is just as beautiful as he is in person, with his faint smile, his sharp face giving him a supernatural air, as he introduces us and follows the setlist.
I contemplate my act with Min-ho of SHINee and cover my face in shame at how I used him and how great he was.
Oh my, how beautiful it is!
The act with Ji-ho is also well done, energetic, full of complicity, and it breaks my heart. I had hoped to have found a friend, and instead he stabbed me in the back.
I sigh, remembering those moments.
But the audience will know nothing of the behind-the-scenes story, they won't see what happened.
They will only see me, cowardly, walking away.
It's when I hear my name again that I look up at the TV again: I'm about to sing "Speechless."
It's strange to watch myself from behind the screen, with that stoic post behind the piano and my gaze fixed in one direction. It's intense, I'm moved, even though I'm the one performing it. I understand why Min told me he felt torn apart inside; I didn't know I could sing like that.
But he was my energy, and it's all there.
"God, my heart is bursting!"
It's Sherry who says those words and wipes away a tear.
"Honey, you're so good!" Dad says, hugging me. "Even though I know why you left, it breaks my heart to see so much talent go to waste."
I smile through my tears and shake my head.
"Don't let this sentimentality distract you," I tell him, smiling. "You'll see how beautiful the next song is."
And the moment I get up from my stool to say I'm leaving is truly the apotheosis.
No one expects a contestant who reaches the semifinals to just get up and leave. I truly believe the ratings will skyrocket.
I check social media and see the numbers going crazy: yes, the comments are going crazy.
There are people pissed off, others posting despair, many, especially those who have always voted for me, so many hearts of love.
I smile through my tears and close the icons.
I listen to the song with Reb3ls, I smile at the memory of them, and my heart fills with their love: they were exceptional.
Only at the ending theme do I open my social media again, and what I read is what I expected: love from Reb3ls, hateful comments from the haters, desperation from those who expected me to win the contest.
Tomorrow there will be chaos, I know, with people hanging around outside the studios trying to figure out where I am. They'll search the hotels, airports, and the band's studio, but I'm far away.
From the chaos, from what I thought was my life, from my love.
I sigh and dry my eyes.
"I'm going to sleep," I say, getting up from the couch.
"Jade..."
"It's okay, Dad," I reassure him. "School starts again in a fortnight, and all this will be just a beautiful memory. And I will always thank you for placing your trust in me."
I hug him tightly, squeeze Sherry too, and after a kiss with Karin and Rafe, I go to my room.
I throw myself on the bed and go back to my phone.
There's a message from Min.
"There's chaos under our residence and the studio. Now I understand why you wanted to leave before it was on."
I smile and reply:
"That's in the past... How are you?"