3:56 AM.
The window was cracked open, and the street noises drifted in—soft and broken.
Julian lay on his side, typing with one hand while the other rested beneath his cheek.
Nada—or rather, Julian himself—had been talking to Adrian for hours now.
They laughed, exchanged thoughts on love, nostalgia, and the feeling of loneliness in a crowded world.
Adrian:
"Sometimes I feel like if I could just hold the hand of a girl who truly understands me… I'd cry. Simply because I'm not used to being understood."
Nada:
"I know that feeling… more than you think."
He didn't even know why he wrote that.
The words simply slipped out.
His eyelids grew heavy.
He sent one last message:
"Adrian… I have to sleep. I have a test tomorrow. Please don't disappear…"
Adrian:
"I won't. Sweet dreams, Nada."
Julian closed the laptop slowly… and drifted into sleep, smiling.
—
The next morning. 7:13 AM.
A loud knock on the door.
"Julian, wake up you lazy idiot! We have a test!"
It was Sami—his chaotic, sugar-rush of a friend who always seemed to bring a storm with him.
"Coming, coming!"
Julian jumped up, splashed water on his face, threw on whatever clothes were nearby, and ran with Sami to catch the bus.
At the university, in the middle of the morning rush, he saw the same couple from yesterday.
They were arguing. Whispered shouting. Short, tense phrases.
The girl wiped away a tear, and the guy stormed off.
Julian paused.
Stared.
Then lightly slapped his own cheek.
"Don't stare. Just walk, you idiot."
Sami glanced over.
"Did you just slap yourself? You've officially lost it."
—
Inside the lecture hall.
The professor was delivering a long, boring lecture on "Social Expectations and Self-Awareness."
Trying to lighten the mood, he said:
"Let's take an example—Sarah, imagine your husband's name is… I don't know, Adrian, let's say."
(Light laughter from the students.)
But it wasn't so light for Julian.
"Impossi—ble!"
He blurted it out before he could stop himself.
The whole class turned to look at him.
Even the professor raised an eyebrow.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Julian?"
"Sorry… I… I'm sorry."
Julian sat down, face burning red, digging his nails into his palms.
"What's wrong with me?!"
He kept repeating in his head.
"I don't love him. I don't even know him. I'm just… writing."
But he didn't believe himself.
—
After class:
Julian made a decision.
He wouldn't wait for messages anymore.
He wouldn't pretend to be uninterested.
Today… he would be the one to speak first.
He opened his laptop, took a deep breath, and typed:
"Adrian… hey.
I was the one writing last night, and I guess… I couldn't stop."
Chapter Five: I Can't Stop
4:21 PM.
Julian sat in his room, leaning against his pillow, nervously fidgeting his feet, staring at the chat screen.
He opened the new message from Adrian, his usual excitement bubbling… until the next sentence stopped him cold.
Adrian:
"Sometimes I feel like I'll never find a girl who truly understands me…
But I know she'll be a woman.
I just can't imagine ever dating a man."
Julian froze.
It felt like an invisible punch to the chest.
He read the sentence three times.
And he didn't know why it made his throat tighten.
Why? What's the problem?
He doesn't even like men… right?
Then… why did it hurt?
He slammed the laptop shut.
Got up quickly, grabbed a towel, and headed for the bathroom.
⸻
In the Shower
The water was warm, washing over his body, but it couldn't wash away that sentence.
Julian stood there silently, head tilted downward, water running over his black hair, as if trying to put out a fire burning inside.
He closed his eyes.
He tried to picture Adrian's face… he didn't really know it. Just a profile picture — a handsome young man with blond hair and a soft smile.
Why did he care?
Why did it sting when Adrian said he couldn't date a man?
Was it because he saw him as a "man"?
Or… because all the feelings he'd written as "Nadia" weren't just words?
Because he had actually felt them?
Julian slowly placed a hand on his bare chest.
He looked at himself in the foggy mirror.
His thin frame, his soft features…
He didn't see a "man."
He saw something gray.
Blurry.
Unclear.
Something that didn't quite fit.
"What's wrong with me?"
he whispered to himself.
Then he finished his shower slowly, stepping out with his hair still dripping wet.
⸻
Back at the Laptop
He sat down in front of his computer.
Stared at it.
Then opened the chat.
Adrian's last message was still on the screen:
"I wish I could meet a girl like Nadia in real life."
Julian typed slowly:
Julian (as Nadia):
"Oh… why don't you think a man could understand you too?"
Adrian:
"I don't mean anything bad…
I just don't feel attracted to men.
It's not who I am."
Julian went silent.
His fingers hovered over the keyboard, unmoving.
Then suddenly, he typed:
Julian (as Nadia):
"But… what if someone made you feel something you've never understood before?
Wouldn't that be worth a chance?"
Adrian:
"Nadia, what are you saying?
Do you believe in same-gender dating?"
Julian paused.
He felt like every rope inside him was pulling tight.
Then he typed:
Julian (as Nadia):
"I… I'm just wondering."
A short moment passed.
Adrian:
"I don't think I could.
Nothing against anyone — just… not me.
But Nadia, we're friends, right? 😊"
That sentence…
It felt like a gentle stab.
"Friends."
A small word… but it blocked out the sun.
Julian slowly closed the laptop,
And didn't type anything else that night.