Sigh.
Why.
Why me, why now.
I was just about to write my review for The Last Of Us season 2. It was glorious, it was beautiful, it truly was my magnum opus for all reviews ever written.
Until.
BAM.
Truck-kun goes full "OH YEAH!!!". Kool Aid Man style on me through my living room window, right into me who was on the couch about to press send.
I wish I could have at least gotten a chance to play that magnificant game that HBO has dredged through the mud. Would bite the executives in the ass after becoming a clicker on purpose, just to fuck with them.
Man, I rea- WAIT.
Why am I still here. Aren't I supposed to go to the hot beachy resort down below? Because I damn dilly do know for a fact my ass ain't going near heaven.
My browsing history is too sus, it would make Slaanesh take a double take.
Can I talk?
"Hello?"
Well at least I know I can, why cant I see myself though? For that matter why the hell is it soo dark? I did not spend my entire life in sun-less UK just to spend an eternity in a similar situation, give me some sun god damn it.
Well, might as well past the time.
"Sweet Caroline"
"BAM BAM BAM"
Wait, that wasn't me. And if it wasn't me then it must have been someone else. It came from behind me but all the smart ones know that's how you die in horror movies.
BY TURNING AROUND
Nuh-uh.
I aint turning around.
"Come on, why wont you sing with me?"
Maybe if I stay very sti-
"You do know I can hear your thoughts right?"
Doh.
I mean Fuck.
I slowly turn around, I don't know the logistics of it since I am pretty sure I don't have a body but fuck logic, and what greets me is...
Nothing.
Nani the fuck?
"You are hilarious little man, you died and when you die you go to the afterlife in the same body that you died in, and you lost the top half of your head, completely sliced off after that glass table outside in your garden just went. Niaaoooooooo, at mach fuck you. That also included everything above your top half of your nose, eyes included the rest of the body was a mangled mush.
"So what, I am stuck as a sentient moving man gloop without eyes for all of eternity?!"
Fuck my chud life. As the kids nowadays say on the internet, it is so over.
"Well after some time your body will start healing but eh, I am bored to 11 hells and I have a proposition for you"
"Uhhhhh, sure. Shoot your shot, though I am only into women I will have to let you know"
11 hells? That's bit more than 7.
"Your porn history would disagree with you, what was it? AH! Big bootied femboy cu-"
"ALLRIGHT! What's the deal"
I can practically feel the fucking smug grin of this... Very nice entity. Yep, only positive descriptors for this being.
"Simple, I also watched the Last Of Us and when I seen the second season I was apoplectic with rage so seeing as you also were. I am going to send you years before the main story starts with. Get this."
"✨Your very own summoning system✨"
Even without eyes I can feel the stars when he said that sentence, I should probably think for a bit, this is an unknown entity that can read my thoughts can bring my soul to a different universe and give me awesome powers. I have to carefully think about whether I should agree to this, I don't know if I am making a deal with the devil...
Pff, yeah I dont care, whats the alternative? Go to one of supposed 11 hells?
"All right magic man, you've got yourself a deal"
I struck my hand out looking for a handshake.
"Man, I am slightly to the right"
I position my arm or what I assume is my arm, whats left of it anyway towards that part.
"Yeah, about that. I am not touching that"
"Yeah, fair enough I guess"
"Well here we go"
Huh, I am hearing whooshing and what I can presume air flow. Its slowly dragging me towards it, not in a violent way but more like a parent who has to drag their kid on the street by the hand.
After few seconds I can feel myself going through before I hear the voice again
"Oh, by the way. I am not some all powerful being, I am just one of fallen angels, not a demon but not wholly pure and not as powerful so gotta wait for your system till your older. Oopsie."
My heart sinks, as I am about to go through with my last bit of power I scream
"YOU FUCKING TROGOLODYTE"