She swallowed hard and sent a voice note. Her voice was trembling, choked sobs leaving her gasping for air as she spoke.
"Amber....Baby....Where are you? Are you never coming back? Why are you doing this?"
She sent it and stared at hundred other messages she had sent over the span of last two months.
His last messages had been so unassuming.
'It's hard to talk at hospital. They don't let me be on my phone much.'
'I love you.'
'I wish they could bring you here.'
'I hope your day treats you kindly.'
She stared at them.
No indication...
There has been no indication that he was going to leave her. No sign.
She had even asked him.
'Are we still together?'
And he had seemed bewildered by the question.
He was still that sweet lovely man she loved with every fiber of her being.
So she had acted as usual.
Calm
Gentle
To not trouble him further. To not make it hard on him. She had told him, 'There is a lot we need to talk about. But we will do it when you get better.'
And she did... she had so much to say.
Why don't you trust me even after almost 6 years?
Haven't we decided to get married so why do you still keep me at arm's length?
How come even after years, I know nothing about you.
That she was scared...
She was scared of losing him.
That all she wanted was a safety net. That why couldn't they be more open? All she wanted was his full name...to see him.. Was it such a huge thing even after 6 years that he had blocked her from discord?
Where they had talked for years...
All memories... Those pinned messages...those long chats of talking about stories and role-plays they did. Gone.
In just a second.
And all her worst fears had come to life.
Amber had disappeared without a word.
Just like he had appeared in her life years ago.
He was gone without even giving her mercy of closure.
He was gone leaving nothing behind.
A man who would get upset and cry over not talking for few hours was just gone from her world altogether.
And she...Maria.
She just felt like she couldn't breathe anything. The realization was like a thorn piercing deep in her chest.
He was gone.
He wasn't coming back.
And yet, here she was still crying, sobbing while she sat on the bed in the small box room she was renting.
Everything had gone wrong.
She had come to this country thinking she could finally be with him. That even if that guy didn't want to share details, she could just go and visit him.
She had thought they would get married in next two years.
They would have this small place with their cats. She would be a teacher and he...he wanted to work in a flower shop.
And that dream had kept her going for years.
Even as things turned bad. She never burdened him with her pain. She gave him all the love she had in her.
Because he deserved love. Because he was her beloved Amber.
Because he deserved everything best in the world.
"Just where are you?"
She shook with the force of sobs that wrecked her small frame. Her throat ached as she clenched her chest.
"Oh God...please...have mercy..."
But mercy wasn't something that she ever had. In her world, she was never deserving of mercy.
He had always told her that he loved her more. And she would always smile reading that. She always would yield to him but in her heart, she never agreed. Because she knew, he could never love her more than how much she loved him.
Even as he had said that, "I don't want you to make the decision of moving from your country for me. Because I don't think I am thinking of converting at all."
"I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for myself." She had lied even as her heart felt punctured with pain.
He had promised to marry her...so why was he saying this. But she kept it to herself.
'It's ok. He loves me. He would never leave me. He says I'm his reason for being alive.'
She told herself again and again as fear gripped her heart. But he was still there.
Still sending her good morning messages. Still saying he loved her.
Even as he never tried to deepen their connection.
Even as he didn't try to give her a safety net. Even as he ignored her needs.
But it was okay.
Because he was there and just a single message from him made her forget anything and everything.
But now.
Everything had come crashing down.
Because her sun had abandoned her.
She had been abandoned.
Even as she cried and begged God to just send him back, to just make him come back.
She knew he was gone.
He was gone and he hadn't even left her with his real name...
Not his picture.
Not even the name of his city.
He had never made her a part of his world.
Even as she had been revolving around him.
He had ripped her out of his life in a second.
And she was still there.