This morning I woke up in a chair made of screaming toast.
Again.
"HELLOOOO!!" the toast screeched, on fire as usual.
I blinked.My alarm clock was just a raccoon wearing a name tag that said "Greg" and yelling the word "TAXES" every five seconds.
"TAXES!""TAXES!!""TAAAAXEEEEEES!!!"
I got up. I think. My legs felt like overcooked linguine and one of them may have been a trombone.
Kitchen. I entered it sideways.
The fridge tried to bite me. Again.The fridge is named Carl. We have issues.
"You left me on defrost for TWO YEARS," Carl hissed, throwing a frozen pizza at my soul.
I ignored Carl. He's dramatic. I needed coffee. Badly.
But the coffee machine had unionized.
It was on strike. Holding a tiny sign that said "NO BEANS, NO PEACE."
Fine.
I tried to eat cereal. The cereal tried to eat me first.
"Bite back, coward," it whispered, seductively.
I tossed it out the window.The window tossed it back.
At this point, I began to suspect reality was bending slightly to the left. Like a bad haircut.
The cat walked in.
We don't own a cat.
"Your thoughts are loud," it said, lighting a cigarette and walking into the wall.
I blinked seventeen times.
"This is fine," I lied.
Suddenly, the floor was upside-down. Or maybe I was.Or maybe gravity was just tired and called in sick.
I floated gently into the ceiling fan, which whispered, "you forgot your taxes."Greg (the raccoon) winked and backflipped into the blender.
I opened the front door to leave and was immediately hit in the face by a marching band made entirely of elderly frogs.
"IT'S WEDNESDAY," croaked the lead frog, slapping a tambourine against my forehead.
It was Saturday.
I walked to work. Or tried.The sidewalk was now spaghetti. The sun was audibly laughing.Every time I blinked, a squirrel threw a shoe at me.
I arrived at the office building, which had been replaced by a very large goose named "Martin."
Martin hissed.
"You don't work here anymore," he said. "You never did. You've been hallucinating since 2003."
I paused.
"...Fair," I said.
Then my phone rang.It was a banana.
"You're late for your dentist appointment," the banana said. "Inside the volcano."
And that's when it hit me — not a thought, not an idea.A literal grand piano, dropped by a helicopter shaped like my mother's disapproval.
As the piano keys clattered around me and the frogs started chanting something about "THE MILK PROPHECY," I finally, finally snapped.
I looked up at the sky (which was now a ceiling fan wearing a fedora), and I just... let go.
"Oooohhh I'm insane I went insane ooooouoiuughh eeheuauhehahheuaheh"