What kind of expectations do you bare Esmae? Is it heavy? Or is there no expectation placed on you? Does it make you feel like you have no value? Do you crave expectation or hate it?
I've had many expectations placed on me when I was young, I remember during kindergarten I had to learn a new language and get top scores on all my subjects. I remember being taught and studying until 12, no matter how much I complained or cried I had to finish the additional work given to me by my uncle before I could go to bed.
That continued even when I went to primary school, I remember wanting to call and talk with friends I had at that time but I couldn't because it interrupted study time. Honestly it felt like I was going to school twice, first the actual government required all kids to go kind of school then at home where after dinner I would be forced to go into my uncle's room and sit on a table he bought for me to study until 12 or even later if I didn't finish the required work.
My father also would sign up me and my siblings for extra curricular activities without telling us, there is this joke I always tell that my father signs us up for things we don't like but the things we actually like, we are not allowed to join. I learned many things that I barely retained like the piano, swimming, choir, gymnastics etc.
Some I never grew to like others I slowly took a liking towards. I actually came to like gymnastics but one day I was told that I didn't need to go anymore, he quit for me without my knowledge. I was upset, his response was that he never saw me improve so it was just a waste of time.
I was always vocal about how my father forced me to do what he wants, eventually he would get mad, blow up and scream like a crazy person. One day voice my opinion as always, he got mad but this time he screamed that I don't need to do anything anymore. So now I have no extra curricular activities.
Eventually I also got fed up with studying, actually its more like I was fed up for a long time but I finally reached the end of my patience. I became stupid. I became so resistant to the idea of studying that my brain refused to accept any information related to it. I never felt that studying was rewarding it felt like I was being punished for a reason I didn't know.
Anyways my grades dropped, I was given up on so I no longer study at home, I stopped caring about doing homework, I was failing. I felt free for a while then I realised how bleak my future was regardless and thought that maybe expectations weren't that bad. A few times I tried to work hard on my own and maybe catch up but I always realised that I'm too far behind, discouraged I would give up.