(A/N: I wanted to write something like Combatants Will Be Dispatched so I decided to do that same thing but in Tensura instead. Let's see how it goes.)
"I'm going to sue all of you for administrative abuse! I swear it!"
I shouted at the top of my lungs, free falling through the air at mach fuck you with a collision course set straight for a heavy makeout with either a tree or the ground, after which I would promptly go splat like some annoying bug.
Under me, a vast expanse of dense forest stretched to all sides, dotted with tiny hills and... well, nothing else really. Just trees, hills and some more trees and hills. It would have been quite the experience if... again, as earlier said, I wasn't about to get ground into paste by gravity.
It was absurd, I tell you!
One day, you're going about your boring ass life, off to buy some instant noodles and you suddenly get picked up by half a dozen men in a white van. You clench your butthole, and get ready to defend your chastity as best you can but then you wake up in a room with your long-lost childhood friend who turns out to be this head honcho in some evil organisation that was steadily taking over the world.
The next thing you know, you're being entrusted with the sacred mission to scout out another world for humanity's sake or some shit and get shoved into a teleporter.
It sounded like the kind of shitty low effort novel I wouldn't even waste my spit on!
"Calm down, Combat Agent Four. We were prepared for this kind of situation."
My 'partner', was calm about the situation. It was odd to see a young girl that could be no more than twelve with such an expressionless and dead face. We were falling to our deaths, you know?! She didn't even seem to care! Just kept on clutching that damn comically oversized bag of hers!
"Prepared my ass! All I got was a 'Yosh Good Luck, do me proud'! Not even a pistol! What am I supposed to do with empty encouragement?!"
She jabbed a finger in the air, pointing at... the small bag.
"That's a parachute. I don't expect a shut-in waste of space like you to know what that is, but pull on the cord. The Kisaragi Corporation expects at least basic cognitive function from you."
"I...I'm not a shut-in."
Her blue eyes narrowed considerably. "My reports say you spend six days of seven locked up in your room. The seventh, you go out because you don't want to face the cleaning lady and to stock up on cheap noodles. The rest of your time is spent gami-"
"Okay. Okay! I get it! I just have to pull this cord right?!"
"Affirmative."
Desperately clutching the wire, I gave it a hard tug just as the would-be bane of my existence clutched onto my knee with her small arms. In a burst of wind, we were flung back. I looked up and sure as hell, there was a black parachute with the letter K in red above us.
"Why are you grabbing my knee if you're not afraid, Elise?" I asked in confusion.
"Androids don't feel fear. If I receive too much damage, my core will self-destruct with the explosive force of a hydrogen bomb. That would be unideal... for you." The android said matter-of-factly, looking smug. "And it would mean failure in my duties as a support class unit."
As it turned out, a parachute took a good while to float down. So there we were, looming in the air like a couple of idiots, staring each other down as the forest got closer and closer with each passing second.
"What the hell are we even supposed to do here?" I looked around, moving my head to either side. There was still nothing but trees. "There's nothing here. We have no equipment."
"Arriving here is already a success. Don't worry, we can establish communications once we safely land."
"What do you mean arriving here is already a success? Don't tell me-"
"There was a 75% chance we landed under the ocean... or in the exosphere."
I grit my teeth, "I'm going to fucking murder that shitty brat when we get back."
A good few minutes later, we finally landed... in a tree. My face hit the bark. Then a branch... and then a good few branches more. As if that weren't enough, the parachute's cords got all jumbled up in the thick branches of the big ass tree so I ended up hanging off it like a loon with a bruised face.
"There we go."
Elise jumped off my leg and dusted off her white flowered dress, straightening it till it fell to her ankles like it was supposed to. Then she fixed her sandals, her watch, and the screw-like hair pin fixed to her long silvery hair. Something told me she was taking her time on purpose.
"Miss Elise... if you're done. Could you possibly do your job and help me?"
"Understood."
She drew a pocket knife from her backpack. Much to my surprise, she proceeded to scale the tree I was stuck to like some kind of rat before hanging off a thick branch with her legs to cut me free. The wires came free with a twang, and I ended up kissing the soil face down ass up.
"Be more gentle with m-... oomph! Did you just jump on my back, you damn brat?!"
She gently jumped off my back, crouching down next to me.
"Don't make a fuss. You didn't even feel any pain, did you?"
"That's... true."
I tugged on the dark fabric of my form-fitting shirt and found that I couldn't even budge it. Admittedly, the dim azure lines running along the muscles were cool.
"Of course it is. That's the latest model power armor augmented personally by our resident mad scientist Lady Lilith the Dark." She poked me in the face, one hand around her knees. "Come on, get up while I establish communications."
With a groan, I straightened myself up, sitting up on the forest floor as Elise wandered off to the side, fiddling with her wristwatch. Once again, I was reminded of the unfairness of the situation until it settled in that I couldn't really do anything about it either.
"Yep, I'm going to have her teleport me back the second it's possible."
Who the hell wanted to leave the comfort of air conditioning, a gaming pc, and stock money to live in a shitty new world with none of that? Not me, I tell you, not me. I wanted to go back. Just because I helped out once when the organisation was just starting didn't mean they could force me into something like this against my will! I already quit!
Still, I took the time to look around again while waiting for Elise to finish up. But really, there was nothing at all to look at. There were no signs of life. All I could hear was the chitter of small insects in the woods, and faintly smell strange wild herbs I couldn't even hope to name.
A few minutes passed, and no word came from my so-called high spec 'support' android. Finally, I relented and just walked up to her.
"Why's it taking so long?"
Elise twitched like she'd been caught doing something wrong.
"...Oi, what happened?"
"That... well..." She averted her gaze, crouching down again. "Thecommsarentworking."
"What's that? I didn't just hear you say what I think I did, right, Miss Eli-"
"The... The comms aren't working... It's not within expectations at all... The only thing I can say definitively is that the teleportation went wrong somehow."
Like that, my totally justified hopes were dashed, their corpses shot in the head and defiled in the most unholy of ways. Something snapped inside of me.
"Wait! Wait, Four! Calm down!" She flailed her hands about, struggling in futility as I stepped up to her. "Look! Look, now you don't have to worry about the authorities getting in your way-"
"I wasn't worried about that to begin with!"
"Worst case scenario, you have a whole new world to yourself! Be reasonable. You could easily set yourself up for an easy life here with enough evil points. With myself here, you can even rule whatever primitive life is dominant."
Evil Points... earned through... well, acts of evil barring betrayal, pedophilia and sexual assault. It was a strange line to draw for an organisation that basically forced entire countries into subservience but hey, who was I to question it?
I cast a glance at my watch, showing a total of 120 evil points. With this amount, I could barely requisition any actually usable equipment. Exchanging it for cash was out of the question... since, well, I didn't need to spell that one out, did I?
"You don't even know what this place is!" I protested, taking another step. "For all we know, it could have dragons or magic or something!"
"Don't be absurd. Magic isn't real." She answered, stumbling back until she was up against the tree with nowhere else to turn to. Suddenly, her eyes brightened and I easily noticed it was because of something past my shoulder. "Wait, wait, maybe we just need to get higher."
Elise pointed her finger... at a hill, it turned out, or rather a mere glimpse of it past a thick canopy of aged trees.
I narrowed my eyes, considering her words. "Your fate is postponed... for now."
"..." She let out a sigh. "I failed to realise you would be this... unreasonable."
"Sounds like skill issue, on your part." I cleaned my ear. "Let's go."
Though, I did say that. The moment I turned around to start the journey, my eyes caught something moving in the tree line. A dark eye opened in thin air and before I could move, a spiked tongue shot not towards me, but towards the android behind me.
For a moment, I considered bolting but then decided to lock the fuck in. It'd been a while since I quit Kisaragari but... the skill was still there.
My hand reached for the combat knife strapped to my back as the power suit came to life with a low hum. The azure lines pulsed bright as my hand shot out to grab the tongue. The next moment, it was shorn in two by a quick swipe of the knife in my other hand.
"You alright?" I reversed the grip, and readied myself for a fight.
"...Mm."
"Get me a few grenades... and a vibrating blade."
My thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt when a piss-colored chameleon the size of a fucking M1 Abrams fell down from the tree. Its neck twisted abnormally and its dark eyes moved to the still-twitching tongue lying on the floor.
"Go, Combat Agent Four. Show that thing why Lady Lilith trusts you even though everyone else thinks you're a washed-up has been." Elise raised a clenched fist my way. A small smile tugging at her lips.
"Everyone else thinks WHAT?! Now you listen! Just because I like games and an easy retired life doesn't mean-"
"It's coming."
-
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