"But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss. I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs. The smell of smoke would hang around this long. 'Cause I knew everything when I was young." -T.S.
My nerves shot as soon as Hazel began laying the stencil on Mallory's arm. This was real. This was actually about to happen. I watched as she carefully laid the paper on Mal's arm, moments later revealing the purple outline. And suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. The minute Hazel turned the tattoo gun on, the entire room spun, and my stomach turned. Hard. I stood up and ran to the trash can in the corner of the room, falling to my knees and holding the can close. Unleashing the half eaten granola bar from this morning, and every bad decision I'd swallowed since last night. Seconds later I felt Mallory's hand on my back gently comforting me. Until finally my stomach settled.
I stood on shaky legs and caught Hazel's concerned smile just before she slipped out, only to return seconds later with the tall man who greeted us at the door. He snapped some gloves on and grabbed the trash that now contained my stress and regret and walked back out. My knees buckled underneath me, I was beyond embarrassed. I didn't expect that to happen. I knew I'd be nervous but this was something else entirely.
"I am so sorry, I don't know why that happened–" I covered my face with my hands, I could feel the flush on my cheeks.
"It's okay, you'd be surprised how many times that actually happens. Nerves are a helluva drug." Hazel laughed as she guided Mallory back to the tattoo chair. Moments later the tall gentleman whose name I found out is Maleko, brought me a bottle of sparkling water and a towel that was soaked in cold water. I sank into the seat beside Mallory, pressing the cold towel to my face. My cheeks were flush from exertion but internally I knew they were flushed from the anger I still held for Justin.
His words were still ringing in my head. They were louder than the buzzing from the needle, louder than Mallory's laugh, louder than my own thoughts. I needed a distraction. But the smell of antiseptic curled in my nose like a taunt, nausea creeping back. I grabbed my phone to check the time, but somehow my fingers knew better. They went to him. I was so used to being out and about with other people and shooting him a flirty text asking what plans we had for our midnight sighs without hesitation. Now, the thought made me sick, guilt gnawing at my ribs. I kept telling myself this was supposed to happen. This was supposed to end, there was never a moment where we were supposed to build on something more than sex. That was the rule. That was the deal. And somehow we both still broke it.
So I locked my phone and focused on Mallory's grimaced face as Hazel continued her tattoo. The minutes dragged on with every line she drew. I tried to pay attention but I couldn't suppress the gnawing feeling I had. Until finally Mallory's tattoo was done. She beamed at her reflection, loving how her artwork came to life.
"My god Hazel this is amazing!" She squealed, taking a picture of herself in the mirror.
"Glad you loved it! I'm glad we went with your design, it looks and feels very authentic." She stood by Mallory and began applying a piece of what looked like saran wrap. Seconds later Hazel turned to me, it was my turn but all I could think was, this was my chance to run. My heart pounded louder as Hazel pointed to the chair Mallory was in minutes ago. I hesitated for a moment, I couldn't lie, I was terrified.
One deep breath and a few limping steps later, I finally took the seat. My mind didn't care. My body wasn't ready. My pulse kept sprinting. But I relented, stretching my arm out, letting Hazel place the stencil on the inner portion.
My arm trembled as she carefully laid it down, pressing just enough for the purple lines to transfer. I glanced at Mallory. Her eyes gleamed as Hazel peeled back the paper, revealing the outline of the flowers. Mallory nodded gleefully, clearly more excited than I was.
"Okay, take a look in the mirror. I wanna make sure you like the placement before we get started," Hazel said gently.
I stood, a sharp sting radiating from my bad ankle, but I pushed forward. I limped to the mirror, staring at it with quiet caution. I still couldn't believe I was doing this. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel like something permanent was about to happen to me.
Maybe because my mind hadn't left the fight this morning.
The anger in his eyes is going to be etched into me almost as deeply as these flowers. His words were like daggers. No, like the dullest knife, sawing back and forth until something split.
"So what do we think?" Hazel asked from behind me.
I stepped out of my head just long enough to see the shape of it. I nodded slowly, letting the lines of the flowers anchor me back into the moment.
And then I sat back down.
The buzzing began.
And I let it drown out everything else.
I braced myself for the needle. It broke through my skin and it stung more than I imagined it would. I winced at the first drag of the gun, holding my breath as if that would dull this new ache. Except this time it was by choice. Not residual anger. Not heartache from something that shouldn't have happened. Just ink, skin and the pain I chose.
"Make sure to breathe Auggie," Mallory's arm lightly grazed my free hand, wrapping her fingers around my wrist. I didn't fight it, I needed the support. The pain coursed through me with each slow stroke of Hazel's hand.
I closed my eyes for most of it, willing myself not to vomit. This time from pain, not panic.
Halfway through, a soft knock tapped against the door. I blinked my eyes open just as it creaked open and Erik stepped inside.
His smile was warm. Soothing. Steady, as always. "Just finished mine. Wanted to see how it was going in here." He took the seat beside Mallory and leaned forward.
Saran wrap clung to his forearm, red skin glowing through the film.
"Let us see!" Mallory chirped, spotting it.
He stretched out his arm, peeling the wrap back slowly to reveal a fresh yellow hibiscus. My heart stuttered. I knew he said he would, but I didn't think he'd actually do it.
"A yellow hibiscus, just like August suggested," he said, smiling. "Something to remember this amazing trip."
His smile beamed. I mirrored it.
But deep down, it gutted me.
Because he saw permanence. While I was still chasing impermanence. Still secretly aching for the boy I could never keep. The thought of Justin's lips lingered on me, his silent pleas for more, his laughter, those temporary memories sent a sharp chill down my spine.
"You okay August?" His soft questioning jolted me out of my thoughts. He watched me carefully, like I'd shatter if he blinked.
I looked down at my arm, the tattoo was closer to being finished, but I ran with the excuse. "Hurts more than I ever thought it would. Feels like a million little shards of glass scraping me all at once." An uneasy smile formed over my lips.
"First tattoos are usually the most shocking but depending on placement they only get easier from here." He responded, his steady smile never faltered. And somewhere inside me the last tether snapped. I had to let Justin go, bury it alive if I have to. Because Erik was right here, right now, seeking something in me that I was giving away to someone who didn't want it. It wasn't fair to Erik and it isn't fair to me. To let Justin cloud my every thought when I probably hindered his for just a second.
The needle struck my skin one last time and finally the tattoo was done.
"Okay girly, we're all done! Go take a look." Hazel let out a sharp exhale underneath an excited smile. I looked over at Erik and Mallory who shared expectant faces.
I limped over to the mirror, immediately catching a glimpse of the fresh artwork that now permanently stained my skin. No words appeared before me as I took in the tattoo. This was real. This actually happened. I thought to myself about how I couldn't go back anymore, and I knew I wasn't just talking about the tattoo. A small tear formed at the corner of my eye but I wiped before it could fall. I was still trying to reel in from the pain when Mallory's voice crept into my ears.
"Now whenever we argue I'm going to point at the tattoo and scream 'THINK OF THE SISTERHOOD!'" She laughed at her own joke, then stood behind me, lifting her arm so our flowers lined up in the mirror. She snapped a few pictures, chattering about how perfect they came out. Erik's eyes met mine in the mirror, quiet but intense. Not judging. Just seeing me, all of me. A nervous bubble formed in my stomach, the same flutter I used to get around him before the mess. This felt like both an ending and a beginning that I couldn't walk back from and I didn't want to anymore. What happened with Justin had happened. But I couldn't let it keep consuming me. Not if I was going to stand here and choose what stayed.
Hazel wrapped my arm in the same clear wrap Erik and Mallory had. Followed by a few aftercare instructions I could barely register. I nodded, and thanked her as we all walked out of the small room and into the lobby. Mallory met Maleko at the register and they chatted while I stayed a bit behind. Erik wrapped his arm around my shoulders, gently leaning in to kiss my temple. I leaned into the embrace, even smiling as we looked at each other.
"Tattoos down, packing is next and then we're headed home…our home." He whispered quietly in my ear. His words somehow weren't as daunting as they once had been. And I thought maybe I was going to be okay. Like my skin, I would heal too. Not just from everything that happened between Justin and I but also everything with my mom. Maybe I would step out of here ready to face the world she taught me to be afraid of.
Finally after a few minutes Mallory paid and we stepped back into the humid island air, the salt wind catching in my throat. Erik helped me into the Jeep again, I climbed in, taking inventory of my pain. And in this moment my ankle and my arm were the only things radiating, my heart wasn't healed. Not even close but it didn't riddle me with an ache like it had hours earlier. We drove down the coast, windows down, music blaring a song I didn't know but enjoyed the same. The sun was stronger now that the clouds and rain were gone.
"I can't believe you did it Auggie! I'm so fucking proud. For a moment there I thought you were about to bolt out of the door!" Mallory squealed, voice louder than the wind and the music.
I laughed, the smile reaching my eyes. "Honestly I was so close to bolting but uh I can't exactly run thanks to my stupid ankle." I looked out the window, letting the humid air hit my face. I was grateful to the sun for making its appearance after a very gloomy, argument-filled morning.
"So uh did I hear the guy correctly? One of you threw up?" Erik's eyes shot a glance my way, a sly smirk formed. He knew it was me.
"Listen, this is the first time I've ever done this, I'd never even considered getting a tattoo. So forgive me for unleashing my instant regret of saying yes!" I exclaimed, rolling my eyes playfully. The rest of the short drive was filled with laughter and an ease I was afraid would leave the minute we got back to the house. We pulled up to the driveway and one by one we got out of the car. I took Erik's hand as he helped me off the passenger seat, a little butterfly fluttering deep beneath my ribs.
I didn't know what to expect when we opened the front door. But as we reached the door, I felt the sweat on my palm where Erik had held it, and somewhere under that, the ghost of someone else's touch.
Inside, the group had gathered like always, cups in hand, scattered around the kitchen without a care in the world. Allie had her legs over Jacob's lap on the couch, Hannah was painting her toenails neon green on the floor, and someone had queued up a playlist that was five margaritas deep.
And then there was Justin.
Leaning against the kitchen island like he didn't know what it was like to have my hands on his skin. Laughing like we hadn't unraveled into each other. Looking right through me like he wasn't unraveling still.
I walked past him without so much as a glance.
And he didn't flinch.
"They're back!" Dani jumped up from her stool, running over to greet us as we entered the kitchen. A flow of hellos and other greetings met us as I set my bag down on the counter. "Let's see it!" Dani's excitement didn't falter as she reached us. She grabbed my arm and Mallory's in the same beat. A joyful smile spread across her face.
"Can you believe she fucking did it?!" Mallory looked over at me with a quick wink.
"She got it? Fuck i lost ten bucks!" Jacob hollered from the couch, Allie gave him a light push as she rolled her eyes. I was so distracted by their interaction I didn't even notice Justin standing almost in front of me. Looking at the tattoo and then glancing up at me. A deep smirk planted on his lips, smiling at me like we hadn't been yelling at each other hours earlier in this exact spot. My pulse skipped but I wasn't going to let it show.
Justin's fingers wrapped gently around my wrist, he pulled me hard enough to make me step forward. Closer to him. "Yeah I'm a little shocked our pure innocent August went through with it. Not so innocent anymore." His words dripped with insincerity. I raised an eyebrow at him and then glanced away. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but I wanted no part. He stepped a little closer and I could smell the liquor on him. I met his eyes as his other fingers slowly traced over the saran wrap, grazing low enough to touch my bare skin. Something that would've had me texting him in secret, begging to sneak away for a few minutes, now made my skin prickle where he touched me.
"You smell like vodka," I said, rolling my eyes. I tugged on my arm hard enough for him to finally let go. His smirk didn't falter. Mine never came.
"Guess something's linger," he said as I took a step back away from Justin, I felt Erik's hand on the small of my back. A thought crept into my head. Had Erik seen the whole interaction? Had he seen the moment my mask slipped, the minute my skin prickled from Justin's lingering touch. But his reaction was hard to read. Was he mad? Suspicious? Did he ignore it on purpose?
I glanced over at Erik, his eyes narrowed on me slightly, but then, just as quickly they softened, offering me that familiar warmth . I mirrored the gesture, but my chest tightened at the proximity of both of them. Erik's grip tightened at my waist, pulling me in like he was staking his claim. Justin just took a sip of his beer and turned casually to Mallory, looking at her tattoo, like the last five minutes hadn't happened. Like he hadn't tried toying with me in his usual way. Part of me knew if this had been days earlier it would've worked, but now, now I was Erik's girlfriend. Now Justin and I had turned into something suspended in time. Never to be touched again.
So I ignored it. I ignored the heat his touch stirred. I ignored his smirk meant to wear me down. And I reminded myself that to him, I was just another hot girl in a bikini. And to me, he was just everything I never wanted.
I was grateful for the pace this group moved in. After that awkward encounter that no one seemed to notice, everyone shifted their attention on what to do for the rest of the day. The steady rhythm moving me forward.
"Well Erik, Auggie and I can't swim but we can cook while you guys swim, how about we cook up whatever we have left and just kinda hang out?" Mallory turned to everyone who was still lazily scattered around the kitchen and living room. The nods and yeses fell into unison like they normally did but my skin still pricked from Justin.
"Come on Auggie, let's go get dressed, just cause we can't swim doesn't mean we can't look hot cooking." Mallory looped her arm around mine and before I could protest she flipped me around. I turned to look at Erik over my shoulder, his soft nod gave me a small reassurance. We made our way up the stairs and into my room. My limp was no longer as prominent and I was starting to feel better. The minute I didn't give into Justin's game I knew I would be okay. I knew whatever we had, whatever words we said now fell flat. I knew we would eventually have to apologize to each other for the awful things we said but for now we would let them quietly simmer.
Mallory sat on the edge of my bed, watching as I sifted through my suitcase. Every option I selected she would veto, until finally she walked over to me. Crouching down to look through my suitcase.
"Soooo I have a little bit of sad news," she said quietly as she grabbed a bathing suit, looking disgusted by the bright patterns.
"What is it?" Concern grew in my chest.
"I'm leaving tonight…" she quickly glanced at me and then shifted back to the next bikini. Her breath caught at her throat and she was avoiding my gaze.
"What? Are you joking?" I tugged at her arm, forcing her to look at me. I couldn't believe she was leaving tonight and I couldn't believe she was barely telling me. Hours before she was departing. I felt a sting in my chest.
She set the bikini back in its place and sank to the floor. I could see her brain working in overdrive, like maybe she didn't know whether she was going to lie to me or be honest. She let out a sharp exhale.
"My flight switched this morning, I was going to tell you earlier today but I just wanted to focus on our tattoo and our time together. Without having to think about me leaving earlier. I had my flight moved up because I need to talk to Mark. I found something out and I can't tell you much right now but– " Her gaze met mine, she was being honest. "I promise the minute I can I will tell you everything. Please understand that some things are more complicated than they appear on the surface."
I could feel my lips turning into a small pout. Mark. It's always fucking Mark. The man is a disease she keeps calling medicine. The only thing I could understand was how things are always much more complicated than they appear on the surface. I was upset but I knew this wasn't about me. This was about her and whatever the hell was happening with Mark. So I sat closer to her and plopped my head on her shoulder. Silently letting her know it was going to be okay. I was going to be okay.
"I was really looking forward to our flight back since we were finally sitting next to each other but, okay. Just promise to call when you land. What time do you leave?" I lifted my head off of her and turned to face her. She followed my gaze.
"It's a red eye, so I have to be in the airport by 10 tonight, Marshall is giving me a ride. I'm sorry Auggie, I know this didn't turn out how we wanted it to but hey the last flight you found a friend in Justin, well you found a little more than just a friend but it's going to be okay plus you'll have Erik. He can take my seat now that it's available. First class for you and your boooooyfriend." She giggled into my ear but all I could picture was Justin and I laughing on the plane after we had bothered the flight attendant for yet another drink. All I could hear was Justin breaking down while he opened up about his childhood. All I could feel was his arms wrapping around me when I was at my lowest. But now the last thing I wanted was him.
"Fuck Justin," I joked, though a part of me wasn't joking. I laughed, sharp and bitter, trying to cauterize the anger bleeding out of me. "I'm joking but, yeah I'll talk to Erik and have him switch his seat. I'm sad but I'll be okay. Do you need help packing?"
"I'm okay, I've been packing since last night, I just hadn't gotten the flight moved until today. But enough of this, come on, let's get you into this little number and get back down the kitchen awaits!" She pulled out a black bikini, and extended it out to me. I hesitated for a moment, realizing which bathing suit it was. The same one I put on the first day we got here. The same bikini I wore when I shared my first kiss with both Justin and Erik. It felt oddly full circle. So much had unraveled since that day. So much in me had shifted, cracked, stitched back together differently. That girl wore it not knowing what was coming. This girl wears it knowing too much.
I remember feeling so shy, so exposed, so innocent. And now I didn't even bat an eye in it, I didn't care how much my body was showing. I laughed to myself thinking of how shocked I was the first time I tried it on. Mallory walked out and I slipped out of my clothes and into the bathing suit. The fabric felt a little tighter than I remembered but it hugged my body perfectly. I adjusted my hair, slipped on my flip flops and limped my way downstairs.
I made it halfway down the stairs when I realized the kitchen was quieter than usual. I hit the last step and noticed everybody but Justin was outside. He was leaning casually on the counter, scrolling through his phone, without a care in the world. I braced myself for another confrontation and headed for the kitchen. No matter how badly I wanted to, I knew I couldn't completely avoid him. He heard me get closer and locked his phone, slowly lifting his head to look at me. His eyes held nothing. Or maybe too much. I couldn't tell. He gave me a nod, like we were teammates, like he hadn't wrecked me in the dark.
"Your boyfriend wanted me to tell you he'd be right back, he wanted to go change," he mumbled, watching me as I walked over to the opposite side of the kitchen island. A low smirk formed. I opened the fridge door just to do something with my hands.
"Oh. Okay thanks." Short, sweet, nothing more, nothing less. That's what I told myself. But I could feel it, the intensity behind his words. Simmering underneath but tied together with a smile. I grabbed a beer hoping it could ease the anxiety that bubbled inside of me. I knew we'd have to talk about this morning eventually, but I wasn't ready to rip the scab off just to watch it bleed again. I popped the cap off, taking a long drawn out sip. He watched me closely, stirring enough to make me more anxious.
"So where is everyone else?" I asked calmly, taking another sip from the beer. My hand wrapped tightly around the neck, bracing myself, gathering every ounce of me to be normal.
"Look, August about earlier–"
"Relax, Justin." I said without looking at him. "I'm not trying to fight again. You said everything you needed to this morning."
He exhaled sharply. "August, you can't be serious."
I shrugged, rolling my eyes. I needed to be a little cruel to preserve the small piece of me that hadn't been torn to shreds by him.
"You're really gonna pretend like you didn't twist the knife first?" He stood up straight, and took a step towards me.
"Just like you're gonna pretend you didn't enjoy twisting it back?" My eyebrows pinched together, my scowl deepened.
But before either of us could say anything else we heard the click of the backdoor. Both our heads shot a glance as Erik closed the door behind him. His steady smile cracked a little, like he sensed the tension in the air. I stepped back, beer in hand, a smile just barely stitched onto my face as Erik walked into the kitchen.
"Hey you two, what's going on?" He walked up to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in enough to place a small kiss on my temple. "You gonna help us with dinner Justin?"
Justin smirked, his chest rumbled a little. "Nah man, just came to grab a beer and August was opening it for me." He reached over and grabbed my beer from my hand. Tilting it up before taking a sip and walking towards the door in the same breath. It felt like such a power play I was too shocked to speak. Erik glanced over at me for a second, his look was questioning. I shrugged my shoulders and forced a smile. That was the only thing I could do.
"So what are we making?" I quickly jumped into go mode, anything to get him from asking about the obvious tension that lingered even though Justin was long gone.
He hesitated for a second longer than I could tolerate. Like he was still standing in the doorway of whatever energy he'd just walked into, trying to piece it together. But then he let it go, just like I needed him to.
"Uh… we've got some meat left, so I was thinking tacos?" His smile reappeared, soft and trusting.
And then he leaned in again, but this time, it was our lips that met. I kissed him back without hesitation. Because hesitation would've told the truth. We separated for a second before I pushed myself to give him another kiss. Almost like if his kiss would plant my feet back on the ground. I didn't want Erik to see the way my mind kept flitting back to Justin. I didn't want to give Justin the satisfaction of knowing he still lived somewhere inside me, even if I'd already locked the door.
Mallory waltzed down the stairs moments later, a small smile on her lips. "Hi, tattoo twins, ready to make dinner?"
"Yeah, let's get started, I'm starving." I said, letting go of Erik and making my way to the sink to wash my hands. Erik and Mallory followed shortly after washing their hands and drying them the same.
"Okay so Auggie, you can start with the guac, we all know the kitchen isn't your strong suit…" Mallory laughed, snorting a little in the process.
I scoffed, playfully rolling my eyes. "I am perfectly fine in the kitchen, I just have a special talent of messing most things up but hey that takes a certain set of skills to do."
Erik laughed and handed me a cutting board and a knife. "You cut yourself with seaweed before…are you sure I should be trusting you with this?" He said, setting the knife down.
"Ha ha very funny. That was one time! The seaweed was weirdly sharp!" I protested, but nothing I said would defend me enough to them.
We jumped into a steady rhythm, laughing, chopping veggies, and joking as we worked around each other. Until I heard the back door slam shut. I looked up from the cutting board and Justin walked in, empty beer in hand, smug smirk in place. I tried to look at Erik from the corner of my eye to watch his reaction but he had none. He smiled, completely unaware of the storm trailing behind Justin.
"In for another beer or are you finally gonna help us?" Erik joked. I felt my heart slam softly against my rib cage, my lungs tightened at the careless question.
He walked over to the counter, the smirk immovable. "Hmmm, I'm flattered, sure I'll jump in." He set the empty bottle on the table and began walking over to the sink. He glanced over at me, giving me a slow wink. "So August, what are we making?"
I felt like he was playing a sick game. How could he say those horrible things, feel no remorse, and act like we weren't tangled in some twisted friends-with-benefits version of 50 Shades? But then again maybe this was his new way of getting off. Watching me squirm at his casualness. Watching my hands tremble when his fingers grazed mine reaching for the limes.
"Tacos," Erik replied, handing him a different knife along with a smaller cutting board. "You good with peppers?"
Justin's eyes flicked to me for half a second. Just long enough for me to feel it. "Yeah," he said. "I can handle heat."
"Perfect, Auggie is making guac, so you two can be on veggie duty." Mallory smiled politely as she pointed to me and the veggies in front of me. I grabbed my cutting board and moved over, leaving him enough room on the counter so we wouldn't bump into each other. I bit my lower lip as I continued cutting the cilantro. My breathing was unsteady, it felt like the air had depleted again.
And before we knew dinner was ready. Everything went without a hitch for the most part. I awkwardly bumped into Justin multiple times, each time more uncomfortable than the last but I like to think we played it off well.