"I'm halfway out the door, but it won't close. I'm holding out hope for you to say 'don't go.' I would stay forever if you say 'don't go.'" -T.S.
I woke up tangled in Justin's arms, like many days before, his breaths were slow, he was still in deep sleep. I didn't want to shift too much in fear of waking him, so I laid there quietly. My ankle ached a bit but I was grateful the pain was minimal. I debated getting up from the bed as the sun began to rise but truthfully I was too comfortable. His arms were still wrapped tightly around me, and selfishly I wanted to take it in a little longer. Though I knew eventually Erik would wake up to my text message about me falling and he'd probably rush right over.
Our time was counted. And just the thought alone made me feel suffocated. I shifted slightly from his embrace and I wiggled my way out, he didn't budge. He turned to his other side and stayed asleep. I was finally able to put weight on my ankle but I still had to limp a bit. I threw my robe on and quietly opened the sliding door to the balcony. I needed the cold morning air. I walked over to the railing and took in a deep breath. Letting the symphony of the birds and the crashing waves fill my ears while the air filled my lungs.
I turned back around, to look through the sliding glass window trying to see if Justin had woken up but he looked like he was still asleep. So I figured I could enjoy a few moments alone before the day truly started. I sat quietly taking in the gorgeous scenery in front of me. Feeling grateful for the experiences I had. Feeling sad to be leaving this place behind once again. Maybe in another life I was able to graduate from college. Maybe in another life my mom wasn't awful. Maybe in another life things with Justin would have been different. Maybe in another life we never crossed that line. But "maybes" and "what ifs" don't exist.
I have to deal and move on from the consequences of my decisions. I have to move on from the fact that maybe this was too much for me to handle. But if I were to ask myself if I regret it? I think the answer will always be no. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how it ends. I don't regret it. How could I regret such an awakening?
I stayed out on the balcony longer than I'd meant to, watching as the tide came in before going back out. The sun was higher now and had stretched over the horizon, and slowly I knew I'd have to get sunscreen on before I'd be regretting this.
The sliding glass door creaked behind me, and I didn't have to turn around to know who was walking through it. His presence alone shifted the air ever so slightly. And there he was, shirtless, messy-haired, and holding a coffee mug like some Greek god cosplaying as a barista.
"I come bearing gifts," he said, voice low and sleepy. There was a gentleness to it that caught me off guard.
I turned just as he held out a mug of coffee. "Two sugars, splash of milk. Like a true gentleman."
I smirked, taking it from him. "You trying to get me in bed again?"
He didn't answer. Just gave me this soft smile that barely reached his eyes. "I already have you limping from last night, figured I'd finish the job. Follow through."
My laugh was quiet, caught somewhere in my chest. Then I noticed the other things in his hands, Advil and a tube of Bio freeze.
"Nah I'm joking but I figured your ankle would be a bitch this morning," he added. "Thought I'd get ahead of it."
I raised an eyebrow. "You're very…prepared."
He just shrugged and dropped to his knees in front of me before I could protest. "Don't argue. I know you're stubborn, but I'm not in the mood to wrestle you this early."
"It doesn't hurt as badly as I thought it would. So that's good right?" I said as I let him take my foot, lifting it gently into his lap like it was second nature.
The cold gel made me flinch at first, but his touch was warm, steady, and unhurried. His fingers moved with care, working into the sore spots. And something about it, about him kneeling there, tending to me without a word, made my throat ache.
I looked at him, really looked at him. And for a second, I forgot what we were doing. What we weren't.
Because he wasn't supposed to do things like this. And I wasn't supposed to let him. But here we were, quiet, tangled in a goodbye neither of us wanted to say. And maybe that was the worst part. The goodbye had already started. We just hadn't said it yet.
"Does it hurt when I put pressure here?" He asked, digging his thumbs deep into the joint where my ankle and my foot met.
I flinched a bit, the pressure he put was hard and it made me yell. "Yeah a bit, it uh ow!" He squeezed my foot with more pressure. "Yeah that hurt!" I exclaimed.
He laughed a little but released the pressure he was holding it with. "Well that's a naturally sensitive part of your ankle so the good news is again I don't think it's broken or fractured. Maybe sprained but we should probably take you to urgent care to get it checked out in case it's a hairline fracture." He finally released my foot from his hands, placing it gently back on the ground.
"Thank you, and yeah you're probably right. I'll see if Mals or Erik can take me later." I grabbed the edges of my robe and wrapped them tighter around me.
He nodded, standing back up and taking the seat next to me on the couch but his gaze flicked out to the ocean, sharp and unreadable. "Yeah. That's probably for the best."
We let the silence settle around us, I took a few sips of my perfectly curated coffee. I was grateful for everything he had done for me. Not just today, but it's weird to think of the care he's shown me over the last three weeks.
"Thanks by the way for the coffee and for the… uh care." I glanced over at him and when he finally looked at me I smiled, a genuine smile that I could tell he appreciated.
He nodded softly, a similar smile spread across his lips. "It's my pleasure especially after I got pleasured," he let out a sharp laugh.
I gave him a smack on his arm, making him laugh more. "Oh god! You're still insufferable." I playfully shouted.
Finally he popped open the bottle of Advil and handed me two small pills. I placed them on my tongue and took a sip from my coffee that was now lukewarm.
"Hopefully that stops any further pain." He mumbled.
Just then we heard a noise coming from inside my room. He shot up from the couch.
"I'll get it, sounds like your phone." He said as he started heading to the sliding door.
He walked back out to the balcony shortly after. He handed me my phone without a word. I read the message, heart dipping.
August: "just a heads up I fell and kinda hurt my ankle. I'm sorry to ruin our hiking plans for tomorrow. :(" 1:35am
Erik: "I'm really sorry to hear that. I wish you would've called me and I could've taken you to the ER. But I'll be over as soon as I finish responding to some emails. Give me like 20 minutes or so." 7:19am
My thumbs hovered my screen, unsure what to respond. I felt guilty for lying but this wasn't exactly the time to be honest and tell him everything. So I had to continue doing what I've been doing and play it cool.
August: "it's okay, I will need a ride to urgent care later if you don't mind!" 7:22am
I swallowed hard. "He's on his way over."
Justin didn't respond right away. Just nodded once and looked out toward the horizon again, jaw ticking slightly like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.
After a beat, he stood. "Let me carry you back inside."
"I can walk," I said, even as I adjusted the knot in my robe, pretending I wasn't completely bare underneath. "It's not that bad."
"You're limping, August."
"You said it wasn't broken!"
"And you said you'd let Erik take you to urgent care, and I didn't argue with that," he shot back, that familiar sharpness softened by something else entirely. Something closer to heartbreak.
I hesitated. That little flicker of emotion in his voice low and strained, unraveled my resolve like a thread snagged on a nail. I didn't fight him when he bent down and scooped me into his arms again. This time slower, gentler, like he knew the rhythm by heart.
The robe slipped slightly as he stepped back into the room, and I clutched it tighter.
"I should probably get dressed," I mumbled.
He nodded, but didn't put me down just yet. Instead, he carried me to the edge of the bed and let me down so delicately I felt like glass. His hands lingered, bracing my waist as if to steady both of us.
"I've got it," I said, but my voice came out thinner than I wanted.
He crouched in front of the suitcase before I could protest, fingers sorting through my clothes like he belonged there. Like this wasn't the last time he'd ever do something like this for me.
He pulled out a matching pair of panties and a bra, then one of my favorite t-shirts, a soft, faded image of a band I've never heard of, almost threadbare and a pair of black leggings.
"These okay?" he asked, already standing, already walking back toward me placing the clothes on the bed.
I nodded. "Yeah."
I stood up from the edge of the bed and began untying the robe, his gaze was steady on me until the robe dropped, his eyes flicked to anything but me. Like he hadn't seen me bare before. I slipped my underwear on and then the bra.
Seconds after I finished, without a word he knelt down again.
Carefully, methodically, he helped me into the leggings. One leg, then the other. Fingers grazing my calf like he wasn't sure he was allowed. Like he knew he shouldn't still be touching me like this, but couldn't stop himself. Couldn't not be gentle.
His eyes never once drifted where they didn't belong. He kept his gaze fixed on the hem, on the floor, on anything but me.
I slipped my arms through the t-shirt when he held it open for me, and I couldn't tell if I was shivering from the morning breeze or the way his knuckles brushed against my skin one last time.
When it was done, we just stood there. Him inches from me. Me in the clothes he picked out. The silence thickened like fog.
I wanted to say something. Thank you, maybe. Or don't go. Or just his name, soft and uncertain. But my mouth stayed closed, and so did his.
And then, wordlessly, I reached for him.
Looped my arms around his neck like they belonged there.
He leaned in just slightly and I kissed him.
And oh, God, he kissed me back.
Slow. Sure. Like we had all the time in the world when we didn't have any left.
When we pulled apart, we didn't laugh. Didn't tease. We just stared at each other. Like maybe, if we stared long enough, one of us would find the courage to say what we really meant.
But neither of us did. Because sometimes the quiet is the goodbye. But it was me who pulled away. Not because I wanted to. Because I had to.
Because the sound of Erik's voice in my head was louder than the silence we stood in.
I let my arms fall from around his neck. Let the space return. Let the moment die before either of us tried to resurrect it.
His eyes didn't chase me. They stayed on mine, like he'd already memorized everything else.
Neither of us said goodbye but I think we both knew that's what this was. A silent goodbye, no grand gesture needed when we were nothing more than friends with benefits on a limited time.
Without a word, he stepped back.
And I let him.
He walked me to the stairs, one hand warm on my waist, steadying me like muscle memory. Like instinct. But this time, he didn't lift me into his arms. This time, he let me walk. Limping, sure. But walking. And when I reached the bottom, when I turned around, he was already gone.
I watched him as he ran back upstairs and turned the corner to his room. I let out a sharp exhale. A breath I was holding in my chest with an uncertainty I was feeling. I limped over to the kitchen counter and took a seat on one of the stools.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and it was another message from Erik. My chest tightened slightly, the world still spun even when I was falling apart.
Erik: "be there in 5. Just getting dressed."
I stayed there, elbows braced on the counter, listening to the quiet. The house didn't feel so big last night. Now every sound felt like it echoed like it was trying to fill the space he left behind.
Maybe it was always going to end like this. Not with a bang, but a quiet slipping away.
I waited patiently in the kitchen, scrolling through my phone, realizing everyone else was still asleep. And then finally I heard the knock. Three soft taps, just enough to announce, I'm here. Just enough to remind me what I was choosing now.
I pushed myself off the stool and limped toward the door, already trying to smooth out the ache in my chest. Erik didn't deserve a version of me stitched together with silence and someone else's hands.
When I opened the door, he was there, freshly showered, shirt wrinkled like he'd pulled it from the floor in a rush, a concerned half-smile already tugging at his mouth.
"Hey," he said, eyes dropping immediately to my ankle. "You okay?"
I nodded, maybe too fast. "Yeah. It's not as bad this morning. Justin gave me Advil and—"
I stopped. His name slipped out too easily.
Erik didn't flinch, but there was a pause. A subtle shift in his shoulders before he stepped inside, eyes scanning the room like he could still feel the ghost of someone else in it.
"I'm really sorry you got hurt," he said, softer now. "You should've called and woken me up."
I looked at him, and in another universe, I would've. But in this one, Justin was already there. And it felt impossible to explain why that mattered. It felt impossible to explain how I had fallen walking down a hike I took just to fulfill another man's fantasy. And that, that made me feel even worse.
"I didn't want to bother you," I lied, limping back toward the kitchen. "It was late."
He followed, brushing his fingers gently along the small of my back as he passed me. It was comforting. Familiar. But it didn't crack me open the way it should've. The way it would've, once upon a time.
"I'm glad you texted though," he said. "Urgent care's already open. We can head over whenever you're ready."
I nodded, easing back onto the stool like I hadn't just said goodbye to something that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. Something I probably shouldn't miss.
Erik leaned down and kissed the top of my head, lingering like he had time to give.
And I smiled, because I was supposed to and maybe sooner or later I'll smile because I really meant it.
We didn't talk much after that.
Erik helped me grab my things, wallet, sunglasses, my phone that suddenly felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. He offered his hand when I stood, and I took it, even though I didn't really need it.
He helped walk me to the Jeep, opening the car door like he usually does, but this time there was no flutter in my stomach like before. Just a hollow emptiness that yearns to be filled again. Yearns for things to be normal, for things to have never gone this far with Justin. But I guess Dani was right before, if I wasn't careful I was going to get burned. And this was me getting burned.
The ride to urgent care was quiet but not silent. Erik talked here and there. I nodded, responded, laughed and smiled because I was supposed to. But my mind was somewhere completely different. Back to the mountain where I "howled" at the moon. Back to the second day of the trip, when I boldly ripped my clothes off and asked Justin to have sex with me because I was sober and I would remember it. Even back to when Erik and I had our first date, in an empty aquarium, when my life still hadn't started but it also hadn't fallen apart.
And sitting here, in this moment, on my way to get my ankle checked out, I wished none of it would've happened. Because then my heart wouldn't feel so heavy. It wouldn't feel so hurt over someone that was never mine to begin with. I would be okay, untouched, untethered, predictable, pure and perfect August. Instead now I'm the August that was down bad for an emotionally unavailable guy while the man of her dreams drove her to urgent care after what was basically a sex injury he didn't even cause.
That was almost as twisted as the August whose mom had been lying to her about having cancer to keep her under her control. But at least that one she had no control over. This situation…I knew good and well what would happen and I played with fire anyway.
We finally pulled up to the urgent care parking lot, Erik opening the door and helping me with ease. I limped inside, the waiting room was chilly and too white. I took the clipboard from the front desk and sat down to fill out my information, but I paused when I got to the 'Address' line. My hand hovered over the paper. I had no idea what to write. My mom's house? I didn't live there anymore. Mallory's? Maybe that's a good option. But I didn't really have a place.
I must've gone still for too long, because Erik's voice broke through gently. "Hey… you okay?"
I looked up, blinking. "Yeah, just," I faltered.
He tilted his head and glanced over at the paperwork. Seconds later he reached over, plucked the clipboard from my hands with a small smile. "You're moving in, remember? Use my address." He said it like it was obvious, like it wasn't a whole conversation he was saving me from. Like I wasn't already unraveling in this chair on borrowed time. "Might as well get used to writing it out," he smiled, filling out the little spot. And then handing it back to me.
I let out a breath I'd been holding. "Right," I whispered, and for the first time that morning, something inside me loosened.
I finished the rest of the form and Erik took it back to the front desk for me. We sat there waiting for me to be called back. The waiting room was small, only a few people sitting in the stiff floral lined chairs. The fluorescent lights were so bright my head was starting to throb. Or maybe it was my heartache that transformed into a headache. I glanced over at Erik who was sitting quietly scrolling through his phone. Effortlessly smiling at me when he caught me watching him, studying him. Wishing I'd never crossed the blurred line.
Because with him it's easy, safe, it's everything I've ever wanted. But before I could get lost into a fantasy that could never be fulfilled I heard the nurse call my name.
"I'm looking for a August Evans?" A perky nurse holding a clipboard at the entrance to the back room called out.
I stood up, and glanced over at Erik. "Come with me?" I whispered and he didn't hesitate to stand up.
He helped me walk to the back and into the exam room. His hand firm in mine, and the other hand holding my waist for balance. We walked into a small sterile smelling room. Erik helped me up onto the exam table.
"Okay miss Evans I'm going to check your vitals here and ask a few questions." The nurse said as she closed the door behind her. I nodded and felt a knot in my throat. I have hated doctors' offices since I was a kid. Hate them even more now because of my mom.
She cleared her throat and started wrapping the blood pressure cuff and then quickly putting a little machine that clipped on my index finger. "Just gonna take your blood pressure here, and your temperature."
The machine beeped and she started notating some things down on the clipboard. "So tell me what are we here for today? Injury?" She asked as she started removing the cuff.
"Uhm yeah I fell down some stairs and kinda hurt my ankle trying to catch myself." The lie I had to tell because the truth would be far too dangerous. I had invited Erik back here with me for comfort but now I was uncomfortable.
"Well I'm sorry to hear that, especially since you're on vacation right? Honeymoon?" She flashed a smile at me and then at Erik. I could feel my face flush, but then it brought me back to Justin telling the flight attendant we were on our honeymoon as a joke and my heart fluttered a little at the memory.
I just nervously laughed it off and responded. "Oh uh no, just a break from work we both desperately needed."
Erik just smiled and shifted in his seat a little. I wondered if that question made him uneasy or if it made his heart flutter, his expression gave no indication of either.
"We all need those breaks! Am I right? Okay. So we're probably going to end up getting an Xray on that ankle and then having the doctor come in and check it out. I just have a few questions." She flipped a page on her clipboard and cheerfully looked back at me. "Okay, just routine stuff, what was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?"
My eyes flicked at Erik, realizing how awkward this probably was for him. But he didn't show it, I ignored the pit in my stomach from the thought and instantly opened my cycle app and checked the calendar. "It was like either the 18th or 19th of August. It kinda happened in the middle of the night."
She jotted my answer down. "Okay…perfect. Any allergies?"
I nodded no.
"Are you taking any medications?" She asked.
"I took Advil this morning but that's about it." I answered.
"Alright," she wrote some more and then glanced back over to me. "Last one before I get out of your hair. Are you pregnant or is there a chance you might be pregnant?"
My chest didn't tighten right away. It locked. Froze. Then heat rushed in to take its place, crawling up my neck like shame on fire.
My mouth moved before my brain did. "No. There's no chance."
The words left me too fast, too flat. A clean, practiced denial. Like I'd rehearsed it.
And maybe I had, maybe I'd been preparing to lie since the second I swallowed that little white pill last night, washed it down with water, panic and later wine.
The nurse nodded, scribbled something, and breezed out of the room with the door clicking gently behind her.
Erik looked up. He didn't say anything. Just watched me with that steady, soft concern I'd come to recognize the kind that made you want to tell the truth, even when it might wreck you.
He didn't know he was the one I was lying to. And I hated that.
Hated that I couldn't look at him. Hated that I was sitting on crinkled paper with a sore ankle and a sore conscience, pretending everything was fine.
Because technically I was fine.
I took Plan B. I was being safe.
Bu this wasn't about biology.
It was about the way my voice hadn't trembled when I lied. The way it rolled out easy. Natural. Like I'd been doing this for years hiding the ugliest parts of myself from the nicest people I knew.
And sitting there, I couldn't help thinking
If only he knew.
If only he knew I was still falling apart over someone else. If only he knew I was bleeding silence into a room that should've felt like comfort. If only he knew that when I said no, what I meant was there shouldn't be.
I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat, trying to crack the silence the question caused. "Sorry for dragging you in here. I feel really guilty for ruining our hiking plans."
Erik reached over then, his hand gentle on mine, thumb brushing once across my knuckles like he could feel the shift even if he didn't understand it.
"August, it's okay. Really. We went on plenty of hikes. In fact I'm all hiked out. And while I wish you weren't hurt, I'm grateful to not be going on another one. So how about we make it up by stopping at that little cafe we passed by?"
I didn't pull away. I shook the guilt away and let myself lean into the kindness I didn't feel I deserved. "Okay." My voice barely escaped my lips.
His words felt like a valve that opened just enough to release the tension that tightened around my chest. I gave him a genuine, soft smile that finally reached my eyes. He gave my hand a light squeeze before letting go, and fixing his gaze back to his phone.
Moments later the nurse came back and took me to get an X-ray on my ankle. The rest of the visit passed like background noise. A blur of cold hands and more clinical questions, the paper sheet crinkling under me, the sterile scent of antiseptic stinging my nose. I answered when I had to, nodded when I didn't know what else to say.
Erik sat in the corner, quiet, patient. Like he knew I needed space to catch my breath without saying it out loud. His presence didn't ask anything of me. It just was solid, calming, there. And I was grateful for that in a way I couldn't explain.
When the doctor came back, clipboard in hand, I tensed. Half-expecting the worst. Half-hoping for it, if only so the physical pain could match the internal chaos.
"It's a sprain," she said, flipping through a few pages. "A bad one, but no tears. No breaks. Stay off of it for the next few days, keep it elevated, keep the brace on, and ice it regularly."
I blinked at her. That's it?
"You'll heal," she added, like it was the easiest promise in the world.
I nodded, said thank you, and let the words settle somewhere deep in my chest. You'll heal. It echoed. But I wasn't thinking about my ankle anymore. Maybe I'll heal too.
Erik stood and crossed to me, offering his hand as I slid off the table. I didn't need it, but I took it anyway. Just for a second. Just to feel something steady.
We stepped out of the urgent care and back into the Jeep. He opened my door and this time tucked beneath my ribs, I felt the little butterfly, the same one I felt before the mess I created. And maybe just maybe this would work out.