"I know Heaven's a thing, I go there when you touch me, honey Hell is when I fight with you." -T.S.
I stared at the ceiling, forcing a breath through my nose, but the weight in my chest only settled deeper.
It's fine. I rolled onto my side, pressing my eyes shut. It has to be. And then the thoughts of the previous night ran through me. Justin's voice telling me not to pull away, telling me I had no idea what I did to him. The way his lips traveled around my body, each kiss healing parts of me I didn't know were broken. His unrelenting hands leaving marks I didn't know were possible. And just when I felt the ghost of his lips on mine until a soft knock pulled me out of my memory. I sat up in bed waiting for another knock or even a voice to come through from the other side. The door jiggled slightly but I had locked it.
And then finally a voice cut through the quiet. "Hey. It's me. It's Justin."
My heart pounding, my mind spiraling. I locked the door. I locked it, even after everything he said earlier today. It wasn't like I wasn't tempted, hell, I had thought about it a thousand times while I lay here alone. But I locked it anyway. I wasn't about to let him back in that easily.
I made my way across the wooden floor, flicking the lights on and opening the door slightly. He stood at the frame and had an easy smile on him. The wetness of his hair hit me first, like an unexpected slap in the face. He showered. Did he really? No, no he couldn't have. It's not like he could've just done that and come straight to me like nothing happened.
I quickly glanced at him again, scanning his face. I didn't want to believe it, but the pieces fit too perfectly. My stomach twisted as a thought I didn't want to acknowledge slammed into me: He really slept with her.
I barely moved as he entered, his easy smile fading the moment he noticed my stiff posture. His usual warmth fell flat as I instinctively took a step back, closing the door behind him with a soft, deliberate click, locking the door.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I know it's late," he said, trying to smile like he always did, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Are you okay?"
Okay? How could I be okay with the thought of him having just… just been with her expecting he can then be with me? My mind was racing too fast to keep up.
I forced a neutral expression. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just really tired."
His brows furrowed as he stepped forward, searching my face like he was trying to read a book with the pages torn out. He reached out like he was going to touch my arm, but I flinched back. The space between us grew, and I wasn't sure if it was me pulling away or if he was the one hesitating.
"What's going on? Are you sure everything is okay?" His voice softened, but I could hear the confusion under it, the concern, but I didn't want any of it. Not right now. Not with the mess he had just walked into.
"I said I'm fine, Justin. I'm exhausted and it's late. I honestly didn't expect you to be here." I muttered, my voice coming out more pointed than I wanted.
I made my way to the edge of my bed and sat down. He watched me carefully, studying my every move, hoping something would give him a clue as to what was really going on. He took a step forward, inching closer. I pushed myself further onto the bed, leaning up against the headboard, still avoiding his eyes.
He let out a sharp exhale, he hesitantly took a seat at the end of the bed, facing me. "So then how was the rest of your day?"
"It was good. Yours?" I brought my knees up to my chest, throwing my arms around them, trying to comfort and ground myself all at once.
"I had a good time trying to learn Paddleboard Pilates. That was a lot of fun. But uh rather difficult." His words came out slower than his usual rhythm. He let out another sharp breath as his gaze fixed on me but I wouldn't meet it. I looked around the room nodding like I was listening.
I finally let myself meet his eyes. They searched for the answers I wasn't ready to give. "Yeah Jacob was telling us about it. It sounds fun." I know my responses were dry, but that was the only way I was able to cope. The only way I was able to hold it together without breaking. Without telling him exactly what was going on in my head.
He stared at me for a second longer. His eyebrow raised slightly, as he bit his lip. His expression unreadable until a flicker flashed across his face, filling it with anger where patience once lived. "Nah. What the fuck is going on August?" His voice came out a little rougher. No longer tip toeing around me.
I shifted my gaze away from his, knowing if I stared much longer I would snap. I would be the one getting angry. But also because I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear the truth. To hear about his night or worse to have him make a move and me let him in even after. I took a quick breath, finally looking back at him. My eyebrow raised and my expression now matched his.
"Why the fuck are you even here Justin?" My words like venom, shooting out because I was hurt. Like a scorpion striking to kill. His demeanor was growing angrier as he leaned in closer but I leaned back. Keeping the distance between us.
"August." His voice raised slightly but his anger was turning more into confusion. "What's your deal? What did I do?"
I didn't hesitate to respond. "Answer my question, Justin. Why are you here?" I felt the weight of my question press on him. His eyebrows furrowed again and the angry expression returned.
"I… what the fuck is happening?" His voice was sharp, brows furrowing deeper as if trying to piece together the situation. "August what do you want me to say? I came to see you, that's it. What the fuck is happening?"
My scowl stayed strong and I could feel my chest rising and falling, my anger becoming more cutting. How could he be so oblivious? How could he still even want to be here? How could he think I'd want to share with her what was meant for me. How could I…even be mad at him? When this was the agreement. How could I expect him not to fall for her when I was actively seeking Erik?
My anger stayed put but a tear formed in my eye, fighting to come out no matter how hard I willed it to stay in. The tear won. It streamed down my cheek fast and unrelenting. I let out a gasp, feeling the tension in my chest release.
"I don't want to be with you if you've been with her." My words came out quieter than I intended them to. Our eyes never broke contact.
"August…" His voice was shaky, confusion darkening his eyes. His brow furrowed deeper with each second, and he opened his mouth, but no words came out at first. He was trying to process my words, trying to make sense of the shift.
"What?" His voice was sharper now, the edge not aimed at me but at the situation, he still didn't get it. "What the hell are you talking about?" His words, though pointed, softened slightly, like he was searching for something.
"I said I don't want you to think you can sleep with her one moment and then come over here and sleep with me the next." My words felt heavy, but they held the kind of anger that both burned and stung. I didn't know whether to lean more into the anger or the hurt. Neither felt safe, but both felt necessary.
He shook his head, disbelief clouding his features. I could see him trying to understand, but he was nowhere close. "I don't—August, I'm here because I said I would be. I don't get what the fuck is going on. Hannah and I haven't even."
I wanted to believe it, really I did. I wanted to believe he was telling the truth that they hadn't done anything. But the lingerie, her relentless pursuit, the fact that he showered before coming over… it all pointed in that direction.
"Justin, don't fucking lie to me just to get what you want." I raised my voice, not quite a yell but the sound traveled in the room.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me." His voice rose the same.
"I might be new to all this but I'm not a fucking idiot." This time I yelled. I didn't mean to but I couldn't stop the growing frustration.
"August, I'm fucking done." His words came out angrier and more venomous, frustration now pouring out of him. "I don't know what the fuck you want from me. What do you want me to say, huh? I'm fucking telling you, I haven't had sex with her." He stood up, his hand clenching into a fist. But I didn't say anything. I watched him take a step closer to me, before moving back. He looked around the room like he needed some relief. Like his own emotions bubbled up too high. His eyes glanced over to the balcony door and he whispered, "I need a minute." Before making his way over, opening the door and sliding it shut behind him.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but the words caught in my throat. I couldn't make sense of it, couldn't decide what to do with the space between us. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, wanted to explain, but the words didn't come. I felt the sting of silence fill the room as he walked out, leaving me alone in the wake of what just happened.
I watched as he paced back and forth slowly, watched as he leaned over the rail looking out in the deep dark horizon. I created this mess and I wasn't sure how to clean it up. I sat there a moment longer, still watching as he finally took a seat on one of the balcony couches. I gave him a few more minutes before I finally decided to get up. I still wasn't sure how to handle this. Our arguments before were always about work. Heated arguments but they were simple disagreements about productivity, or about how his idea stunk and mine were better. But it was never this serious, it was never this personal. I'm unsure of where to go from here, things blew up more than I ever would've expected them to.
I grabbed a blanket, needing some comfort or warmth and made my way outside. His head began to turn when he heard the sliding door but he didn't bother to look. His gaze fixed on the darkness in front of us as I took a seat on the same couch but taking the farthest place I could take. His body turned to me slightly but his head didn't. I could hear his inhales and exhales over the sound of the waves. His frustration, still very present.
I could feel the silence pressing down on me, like the weight of the ocean that stretched out before us. I opened my mouth to speak but hesitated, not sure how to bridge this gap between us. My head was a mess, tangled with thoughts that didn't fit together. How do you explain something you barely understand yourself?
The silence lingered between us, neither wanting to be the first to speak. But I knew it had to be me.
"Justin—" I started but he immediately cut me off.
"August, I don't know what just happened in there. And I'm trying to piece it all together. Because, from where I'm sitting, it's okay for you to pursue Erik but I can't do the same with Hannah?" He finally turned to look at me, and I flicked my gaze to him. "I thought that's what we agreed on?" His eyebrows furrowed again but this time it wasn't anger behind them, it was hurt.
"That's not it." I could feel the sadness in my eyes as I looked into his eyes.
"Then what is? Help me understand what's going on? Help me understand how you can go from telling me to kiss it better only to lock me out."
"I want to believe you Justin. I want to believe you didn't come from having sex with her. But everything is pointing that way. The lingerie she bought, and then you coming over freshly showered. Like you had to wash away what just happened with her so you can come over and be with me."
"August, what kind of guy do you think I am?" His eyes searched mine but I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure what kind of guy I thought he was. The guy that stayed up all night talking to me, making me feel like the only person in the world. Or the guy that texted me all day, anticipating our next stolen moment. Or the guy that slept with the girl he was dating just to come over and sleep with the girl he's been fucking.
"I…I don't know, Justin. I really hope I'm wrong about what kind of guy I'm thinking you are." My voice caught as the weight of those words sank in. I could see the hurt flash across his face, but it didn't stop me from saying it.
He turned away briefly, letting out a sharp sigh, before meeting my eyes again. "I don't know anything about this lingerie, August. If anything was going to happen between her and I tonight? It just didn't. Whatever the girls ate gave them food poisoning. She had been vomiting the entire time I was there. And I stayed until Allie showed up to take care of her. But I had to shower before I came over because she threw up on me. And I showed up because I'm the type of guy that keeps his word." He paused, clearly frustrated with the miscommunication between us. "This might just be sex but I still care about you as a person. You're not just another name carved on my bedpost, August."
His words crashed into me like a wave I couldn't swim from. I tried grappling with the fact that I made a mountain out of a molehill, that while I was expecting one thing, something completely different happened. The truth hit me all at once, and I wasn't sure what to do with it. I had spent so much time building up this story in my head, and now it was crumbling in front of me. How could I have been so sure, so certain, when the reality was right there in front of me? I wanted to say something, to apologize or to explain how much my own insecurities were at play, but my mind was a tangled mess.
The words just wouldn't come out, no matter how hard I pushed myself to speak. I felt the weight of his gaze on me, waiting. But I didn't know how to mend what I broke. There was so much to say, and yet... nothing felt right. And then he spoke again, breaking the silence that stretched like an eternity between us.
"I used to get into a lot of fights when I was younger," Justin said, his voice rough. "Because I was angry at the world. And then as I got older, I dealt with my pain by sleeping with anyone who'd let me. When that stopped working, when it stopped masking the pain, I ran from anything real."
He shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting away for a moment before landing back on mine. "I've had my fair share of mistakes, but I'm not running anymore. At one point, the guy you think I am—that was me. But I'm not him anymore. You have to believe that."
He exhaled sharply, frustration simmering. "This might just be sex, yeah, but it's not about discarding you, August. We jumped from becoming new friends to friends who have sex really fucking fast... and maybe that's why this feels like it's starting to fall apart." He looked at me, his eyes searching. "But please don't push me away in the meantime."
He leaned forward slightly, his hands gripping the edge of the couch, before he added "I really like Hannah. I do. But I'm not ready for what she wants from me. And I'm trying to figure out if I could ever get there with her. But right now, I can't pretend that I'm ready for what she wants." He leaned back on the couch, his eyes still held on mine.
I could feel a knot forming in my throat, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. To make this all about me but… it wasn't just about me. It was about the both of us, and the mess we made. And how in the wake of me being hurt, I was doing everything to hurt him. Taking him back to where he fit the narrative I placed on him. And now I just feel guilty. For letting my own insecurities tear us apart, for letting myself jump to a conclusion while plausible, far from the truth. For being so angry without giving him the immediate chance to tell me what actually happened.
I glanced at him, forcing my hands to stay still at my sides, even as everything inside me wanted to reach out. I was waiting for him to say something more, but the silence between us felt heavier now. And I realized, this wasn't just about clearing the air. This was about us not running from the mess we'd made together, and about facing whatever came next.
I shifted in my seat enough to move closer to him but still far enough to maintain a comfortable distance. Allowing myself to open up. "Justin… I'm really sorry," I let out a long sigh, not wanting to meet his eyes but knowing I had to. "I jumped to a conclusion I thought I was right in and I let myself hurt you because I felt hurt. I'm not going to lie, I didn't even wanna hear you out and I assumed the worst in you. But I am sorry for hurting you. I guess I don't want to lose whatever this is, and it felt like it was slipping out of my grip." My apology was finally laid out. I watched him absorb my words, he slowly nodded as he took in everything I was saying.
"But what made you jump to that conclusion? That's what's lost on me. I've hung out with her for long periods of time and never have you acted like this. What changed?" He leaned closer, staring at me intently.
I could feel myself hesitating because telling him the truth would mean I would have to tell him about what Hannah said in confidence. I've never done that to a friend, I've kept every secret I've ever been told but now, I wasn't sure if it was worth holding. Not just for my own selfish reasons, but because Hannah in the end doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve being in the dark about how he truly feels. She deserves to know why he isn't ready to have sex with her, and whether it's my place or not I'm going to say something.
"During our girls day…" I hesitated some more, this felt wrong but I pushed through. "Hannah was opening up about how you haven't opened up to her, and about how you never go past just kissing, even though she's made it clear she wants more from you."
He swallowed hard but kept his gaze on me stiff as I continued, "we went shopping and she bought some lingerie and said she was going to lay it out on the table with you. I believe 'take me now or don't take me at all' was exactly what she was going to tell you and that sent me spiraling." I admitted through gritted teeth, finally realizing how much her words had affected me. "Because while she was buying that, you were texting me about how you wanted to…"
"Kiss it better ...?" It was like he was piecing together how my brain processed everything.
"Yeah, kiss it better." I finally ripped my gaze off of him and looked out into the horizon, letting the sound of the crashing waves ground me before I pressed on. "And she seemed insistent. So why wouldn't you give in? She's perfect. I couldn't compete with what she was giving you. She sees a future with you, maybe marriage, maybe convincing you to have beautiful babies with her. And I… I was just the girl you were passing your vacation time with. And that's fine. It should be fine. But I guess I'm not ready to stop. I knew that if you crossed that line with her I would take myself out of the equation. Because you'd be getting everything you need from her."
"August… I know–"
"You need to be honest with her, Justin. You don't want me to push you aside but in the process you're pushing her aside. You're running from something that can actually be real." I gave him a pointed look, and while I felt bad using his own words against him, we both know I wasn't wrong. "You don't need to tell her right away, maybe when she's finally better and you feel her pushing for more, you tell her. If you really want to find something real you have to tell her."
Justin let out a slow breath, his eyes still locked on me. He didn't jump in right away, didn't try to defend himself or push back. Just… sat with it.
"I know," he finally said, voice quieter than I expected. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees, shaking his head like he was mad at himself. "I know I've been pushing her aside. I tell myself it's because I don't want to rush anything, that I want to figure things out first, but the truth is—I don't want to lie to her. And I don't want to lie to myself, either."
He exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair before looking at me again. "I should tell her the truth. And I will. I just don't know if I'm ready to say it out loud yet."
Silence settled between us, heavier than before. I was still staring at the horizon when I heard him shift, then his voice, softer, teasing, breaking through the thick air between us.
"So… you were jealous."
I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I turned back to him. "Oh my God."
"No, no, it's fine, I get it," he continued, clearly enjoying himself now. "You were worried Hannah was about to show up in some red lace, and suddenly poof, I'd forget all about you."
I huffed out a laugh, shaking my head, but my stomach twisted at his words. He was joking. Of course, he was. But what I was about to say next wasn't funny. Not at all.
"It's not about that," I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper.
His smirk faltered. He caught it. "What is it about then?"
I looked away from him, staring at my hands, unsure how to put it into words. "Justin, we had unprotected sex last night. And then we just brushed right past it, but you have to remember, this is all new to me. Not only are you the first guy I've ever been with, you're the first guy I've risked it all with."
I let out a shaky breath, my fingers trembling as I fiddled with the edge of my tank top. "And then, the thought of you going into her, then into me, just honestly grossed me out. So when you showed up showered, I assumed it was because you wanted to wash her off of you. And that made me feel super exposed. Like you'd compare us to each other."
I took another breath, feeling my chest tighten. "I didn't expect to feel this weird closeness to you. I'm trying to detach, but it's not working. And I know it's not fair to put this on you, but... this is where we are now. And I don't know how to navigate that."
"August I need you to know I would never do that to you, or to her. I never want you to feel like I would pit you against her or any other girl. It's disgusting to compare anyone like that, and I would never do that. But I knew what I was getting myself into the second I decided to have sex with you again after whatever the fuck happened the first night. We're just having sex, but sex is never without some form of emotion. Romantic or otherwise. We should've stopped last night, I… should've stopped to get a condom on, but I was so caught up in everything, so I'm really sorry for that. And I'm sorry for making you feel like I was brushing past it. It is a big deal and I was really so in the moment I didn't register it when I should've." His eyes showed a genuineness I hadn't seen from him ever. His words weren't just words to help me deal, he meant every single thing he said.
"It's okay," I said softly, though my mind still buzzed with conflicting thoughts. "I just felt weird, you know? It felt so good, and when I thought you'd done it with her, that's when I spiraled. I knew if that was true, everything would change, and we'd have to stop something that felt so… enjoyable." I let out a soft laugh, but it didn't reach my eyes. "I'm not ready for that with Erik."
I didn't even realize what I'd said until it was too late. My heart raced as Justin's gaze sharpened, his body shifting a little closer.
"I'm gonna pry," he said, pausing like he was giving me an out, but I didn't stop him. "Why aren't you ready for that with him? You really like him. You've even talked about a future with him. So, what's stopping you?"
I hesitated, the words coming out almost like I was trying to make sense of it myself. "Well, for starters, how would I even bring that up? To him, I'm still 'virgin August,' the one who waits for marriage. How do I tell him I'm throwing caution to the wind without telling him what we've done? And if I don't tell him anything, if he thinks he's my first, he'll know something's off when I start getting picky about what I like. If I were to be honest, I can't imagine he'd be eager to move forward. I don't know, it's just complicated. On top of all that… I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable with him, I'm not ready for more." The twist I felt in my stomach slowly unraveled.
His gaze never wavered, but there was a subtle shift in his posture, almost like he was weighing my words, trying to figure out how to respond without making things worse. The silence between us felt like it stretched out longer than it should have, and I couldn't tell if he was processing what I'd said or just trying to figure out the right thing to say.
Finally he broke the space of silence we were sharing. "That's…" he let out a soft chuckle, "more complicated than I realized. I guess since I'm in the center of it, I never would've questioned you being with him like that, but from his perspective, yeah you're still the same. Untouched." He paused briefly, letting his words sit. "Well at the end of the day you never have to do something you don't want to do. Not with him, not with me… not with anyone. You should take your time. Figure out what feels right for you. Regardless of what we've done or are doing."
His words settled over me like a blanket of reassurance, because he was right. I didn't have to do anything with anyone if I didn't want to. I like Erik and I know having sex with him would complicate things when he's the only one I search for things to be uncomplicated with.
I glanced at the horizon and then back at him, his breathing was as steady as his gaze, unwavering. I felt the heaviness between us fall off as his lips formed a perfect smile. A warmth, an understanding, like he knew exactly where my mind was at, but he wasn't going to try to fix it or make me feel guilty for feeling it. Almost like he was telling me it's going to be okay without the words ever leaving his mouth.
Neither of us said anything for a while, we sat quietly, listening to the waves crashing against the shoreline. At some point I let a small, almost reluctant smile slip onto my lips. "We really go from zero to a hundred, then back to zero, really fast, huh?" I teased lightly, trying to shake off any lingering heaviness either of us might have still been feeling.
His smirk was all too familiar. "I knew you were enjoying us, but I didn't realize how much. Adding that on top of you not wanting to stop? Whew." His tone was light, a touch of mockery but no malice, the kind of banter we always fell into. The kind that gets us into trouble. The kind neither of us wants to stop.
"I didn't… whatever, Justin. You wish." I rolled my eyes, but my smile betrayed me.
He shifted closer to me, the gap between us shrinking as he leaned in. His voice dropped a fraction, soft and teasing. "I don't have to wish, August. It's already clear."
I tried to ignore the electric feeling stirring in my stomach. But there was no denying it. He was right. The magnetic pull between us was undeniable, even when we both tried to fight it.
It stirred again in the pit of my stomach, but this time, it wasn't unwelcome. It was something we both knew was always there, lingering beneath the surface, undeniable, impossible to ignore. No matter what had happened between us an hour ago, or even a minute ago.
This time, I shifted closer to him, now sitting just a breath away, our thighs almost touching. I turned my body toward him, leaning in a little closer.
"How do we always find ourselves here? How do you get me to want to kiss you all the time?" I whispered, words meant just for him.
He smirked, his gaze softening as he leaned in closer. "I can ask you the same question. How did we go from yelling at each other to this, to me wanting to pull you closer?"
"We're not going to stop anytime soon are we?" I moved closer to him, our thighs finally touching, breaking the barrier we forgot to put up.