I'm doomed...
Slumped on the sofa like a sack of regret, I glare at the ceiling. Normally, after a day like today, I'd crash onto the bed and snooze until I'm one with the mattress. But no. Not this time.
"What the hell happened?" I groan, massaging my temples.
I wanted to observe humans. That's why I descended. Study their behaviors. See the world through their eyes. But did I ask for this? Did I sign up for uncontrollable heart palpitations every time a certain idiot girl smiles at me? No. Absolutely not.
My eyes drift to the coffee table. Sitting there, staring at me like a smug bastard, is my mortal enemy. The smartphone.
I squint. "You."
The glowing rectangle of doom remains silent, plotting my downfall.
"Explain yourself," I mutter. "Or so help me before I shove you straight into Barker's mouth."
Barker. The dog from the neighborhood who often chases me. Big. Drooly. Stupid. But has the jaw strength of a hydraulic press. Perfect for eliminating cursed artifacts like this.
But first, I need answers.
I snatch up the phone and, like a masochist, open the browser.
Search: Symptoms of a strange glowing effect when looking at an idiot girl.
"Top 10 Anime Powers That Cause Glowing Effects!"
"You May Be Possessed! Signs of a Spirit Infatuation!"
"If You See People Glowing, Consider Changing Your Glasses!"
"Stupid phone!" I growl.
Search: Why does a person look like a mythical being for no reason?
"How To Tell If Your Crush Is An Angel In Disguise!"
Crush?
"Delete that word from existence," I mutter.
Search: I saw an idiot girl glowing like a goddess, what does it mean?
The phone processes my request. And then...
"Congratulations! You might be in love!"
"Oh, for the love of—!" I throw the phone on the couch like it just personally insulted me.
That's it. Enough of this technological blasphemy. I need another source. Someone experienced in this so-called 'love' and whatever else humans call it.
I freeze.
Horace and Yue.
The lovey-dovey couple I once observed from the cosmos. I witnessed their entire sickeningly sweet romance unfold. I'm talking cheesy nicknames, forehead kisses, and the whole shebang.
If anyone can diagnose this bizarre glowing idiot situation, it's them.
With trembling fingers, I grab my phone and scroll through my contacts.
Horace.
I hit call.
After a few rings, his voice echoes through the speaker.
"Shiwei? You're still alive? What problem did you cause this time? Did you break the chicken fryer at Fried Chicken Heaven?"
"Shut up. Come to my apartment. Now."
"Huh? What's wrong?"
"Emergency. Bring Yue. And tell her not to kill me."
"...What did you do?"
"Nothing! Just get over here!"
After hanging up, I stare at the ceiling. Great. Now I have to face Yue. The last time I pissed her off, I swear she almost rewired the timeline out of spite.
A knock at the door. That was fast.
I hesitate before opening it. And there they are.
Yue, standing tall with that sharp gaze. And Horace, grinning like a fool.
"What did you do this time?" Yue narrows her eyes.
"Nothing!"
Horace steps inside, patting my shoulder. "Ah, c'mon, Yu. Give the guy a break. Maybe he just missed us."
"Yeah, right," she deadpans. "Alright, spill it."
I take a deep breath.
"There's... this idiot girl."
"Oh boy." Horace smirks.
"She's glowing."
They blink.
"Like, actually glowing?" Yue raises a brow.
"No!" I shake my head. "She just... looks like she's glowing. All the time. Like a mythical being. I thought she was part dumb, part disaster, but now she's glowing and it's messing with my head!"
Yue covers her mouth, stifling laughter.
Horace, on the other hand, bursts out laughing. "Bro! You're down bad!"
"Down what?"
"It's called having feelings, Shiwei!" Horace claps my back like it's a celebration.
"No," I shake my head furiously. "Not the idiot. No way!"
"Absolutely the idiot," Yue smirks. "You're doomed."
"Oh no, I refuse to accept that."
"Alright," Yue leans forward like an interrogator, resting her elbows on her knees. "Let's diagnose this step by step. Do you think about her often?"
"Of course not."
"Really?" Horace raises a brow. "Not even when you're working?"
"Well..."
Yue smirks. "And what about her cooking? You've been eating at her place a lot, right?"
"I'm a victim! She feeds me and I'm powerless against her food. It's a survival instinct!"
"Uh-huh." Yue's eyes gleam with satisfaction. "And how do you feel when she smiles at you?"
"I feel like she's plotting my demise."
Horace shakes his head. "Buddy. You're whipped."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Shiwei," Yue leans in, deadly serious. "You like her."
"No!"
"Yes."
"Maybe she cast a spell on me!" I exclaim, trying one last desperate excuse. "Some kind of idiot enchantment!"
"Or," Yue grins, "You're just in love."
"Absolutely not!" I cross my arms stubbornly.
"You daydream about her?" Horace asks, amused.
"Only when I'm questioning why the universe cursed me with her existence!"
"And when she's close?" Yue presses on.
"I experience... heightened awareness. Purely to predict her inevitable catastrophes."
"Shiwei." Yue's face is practically glowing now. "Face it."
"Not happening."
"Bro," Horace pats my shoulder. "Welcome to the idiot in love club."
"I'm not a member!"
Horace and Yue laugh mercilessly.
And just like that, my life crumbles.
Why did I descend from the cosmos again?
***
So, it's official. According to those two lovebirds, I'm 'in love' with the idiot girl. Ridiculous. Absolutely absurd. Me? In love? No way! What I feel is not love—it's danger. Immediate, catastrophic danger. Like standing in front of an active volcano, holding a sign that says 'Erupt, I dare you.'
"You're in love, Shiwei," Horace declared, his grin so wide I was tempted to punch it off his face. "It's obvious."
"Obvious?" I scoffed. "The only thing obvious here is that you two are delusional."
"You keep denying it," Yue chimed in, though her voice had that sharp edge of impending doom. "But even a blind man could see it."
"Well, maybe the blind man should get his eyes checked."
"Shiwei!" Yue's fists clenched. I swear, the temperature in the room spiked. "You are in love. Admit it!"
"No! What I feel is danger! Not love! Danger!"
"You are this close to being in actual danger," Yue growled, her fingers twitching like she was ready to strangle me.
"Now, now," Horace said, patting her arm like the poor fool he was. "Let's not send him to the cosmos just yet."
"I will send him straight into the void if he doesn't stop being an idiot!"
Midnight struck, and they finally left, arm in arm like they just won some sappy rom-com championship. And me? I stood there, reeling from the psychological beatdown they delivered. But as I watched them disappear into the night, something... odd caught my eye.
Yue's stomach.
Not, like, weird-odd. Just a little... rounder? Maybe she devoured Horace's weight in food. It's the only logical explanation. Yup. Definitely food.
Still, that sight got buried under the weight of my real problem. Akari. The idiot girl. The one they claimed I'm head over heels for.
But no. They're wrong. They're all wrong!
***
The next day, I rode Silver Fang with the determination of a man escaping destiny. The breeze whistled past me as I focused on the road ahead, pretending I wasn't thinking about Akari's stupidly bright smile or the way she giggles like a maniac whenever I fail at basic human tasks.
"Not in love," I grumbled. "Just severely cursed."
But right when I thought I finally escaped those treacherous thoughts, fate laughed in my face.
WHAM!
Barker's doghouse.
My front tire kissed that tiny wooden abomination with all the grace of a meteor strike. Silver Fang screeched to a halt, flinging me in a glorious arc of regret. I landed face-first into Barker's suspiciously chewed-up lawn.
And there he was.
The beast himself.
Barker. The most terrifying entity in this universe. A creature with the bloodlust of a thousand cursed warriors, trapped in the body of an aggressively fluffy corgi. His leash was taut, but his wrath knew no bounds.
His eyes locked on me, tail wiggling with malicious glee. Oh gods. I saw my life flash before my eyes. Gyudon. Katsudon. Akari's cooking. More Gyudon. My noble bicycle.
But I couldn't die yet. Not like this!
"Barker, we can talk about this!" I scrambled to my feet, my arms waving like a lunatic. "We're neighbors! Friends, even!"
He lunged.
"SHIT!"
I ran like the spirits of time themselves were chasing me. Silver Fang? Abandoned. My dignity? Forgotten. Barker barked and snarled, his teeth gnashing an inch from my heels.
Somehow, through divine intervention or sheer idiocy, I managed to leap over the nearest fence. Safe. Barely.
And as I clung to that fence, gasping for breath, one thought crossed my mind.
Akari.
She's dangerous.
This woman's existence is a threat to my well-being.
But the thought of her smile lingers, and damn it, I might be doomed.
And now I'm staring at it... my steed, Silver Fang lay abandoned, a fallen warrior on the battlefield of Barker's domain. But I wasn't going to let that fluffy demon have the last laugh. No, not today.
With my remaining scraps of dignity, I straightened my spine. My knees still wobbled, and the faint memory of Barker's teeth haunted me, but I had a mission. Silver Fang needed me. And I needed it.
"Alright," I whispered under my breath, trying to ignore the lingering terror. "Time Warden mode: Activate."
Now, time manipulation wasn't exactly a cheat code to life. Every second I twisted and bent came with a cost. But for Silver Fang? For my pride? I was willing to pay the price.
I squinted at Barker, who was currently engaged in the noble act of aggressively sniffing a patch of grass like it owed him money. Good. Distracted.
"Slow time," I commanded under my breath.
The world around me crawled. Barker's fluffy tail wagged in slow motion, like an ominous, cursed metronome. The chirping of birds warped into an eerie hum. The wind barely whispered. Everything slowed to a crawl.
And me? I moved. Like a majestic... okay, no, like a paranoid idiot on a heist. My feet shuffled across the lawn, step by agonizing step. One eye on Silver Fang. One eye on Barker. Sweat poured down my back.
"Come on, come on..." I whispered through clenched teeth.
Every heartbeat felt like an eternity. My fingertips brushed against Silver Fang's handlebars. Victory was within reach.
"Yes!" I hissed.
But then Barker's snout twitched. His head turned, and even in slow motion, I saw the primal rage in his eyes. Time manipulation or not, Barker was inevitable....
"Fast forward!"
ZOOM!
Like lightning, I mounted Silver Fang. My legs pedaled like my existence depended on it. Spoiler: it did.
Barker barked with the fury of a thousand tiny demons, but I left him in the dust. The wheels spun, the wind roared past me, and I felt the rush of adrenaline. Victory was mine!
"Suck it, Barker!" I cackled.
Of course, yelling that mid-escape? Probably not my smartest move. But hey, I deserved a little triumph.
Once I was a safe distance away, I finally slowed down. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath.
"Mission accomplished," I mumbled, giving Silver Fang a gentle pat. "Good boy."
But just as I thought my suffering was over, fate—that twisted cosmic comedian—had one more joke in store.
There it was. Fried Chicken Heaven. The golden beacon of greasy goodness. My sanctuary. The aroma of crispy perfection danced in the air, taunting me.
And then I saw her at the Ricebowl restaurant across the street.
Akari. Wiping down tables like she was in some rom-com montage. Her hair swayed with each cheerful hum, and that dumb, radiant smile practically lit up the entire street.
My stomach twisted. My brain screamed. My heart... did something weird.
"Oh no," I muttered, gripping the handlebars tighter. "Oh, this is bad."
Really bad.
Like 'accidentally stepping on a corgi's tail and signing your own death certificate' bad.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. That idiot girl. She was everywhere. In my thoughts, my nightmares, my borderline supernatural death experiences. There was no escape.
"I'm cursed," I groaned, glaring up at the sky like it personally wronged me. "And it's all her fault."
But deep down, a horrifying realization whispered in the back of my mind.
What if it wasn't just a curse?
No. Nope. Absolutely not.
"Not in love," I grumbled to myself as I parked Silver Fang, ignoring the unnerving warmth crawling up my neck. "Just catastrophically, irreversibly doomed."
And with that, I stomped toward Fried Chicken Heaven, because if the universe wanted to torment me, I was at least going to get some damn fried chicken out of it.