Lurala's laugh was shrill and immediate.
"A duel?!" she wheezed, spiraling above the stunned crowd, which had moved to outside the Krusty Krab. "You challenged Neptune to a duel?! You—" she doubled over midair, "—you have a clarinet degree and four limp noodles for arms! He has a flaming, reality-bending trident and biceps with their own moons!"
Squidward didn't flinch.
He adjusted his collar, stepped forward, and faced the murmuring crowd of civilians, royal guards, and news anchors still whispering in shock.
"According to ancient royal law, Decree LXIX of the Oceanic Crown Charter," he declared, voice clear and strong, "any citizen of the ocean may issue a formal challenge to the reigning monarch. A duel to the death. Winner takes the throne."
There was a ripple of gasps.
Neptune arched a golden brow. "Hah. You've done your homework, little seer."
He took a casual step forward, trident dragging against the pavement, sending sparks flying with every movement.
"You're right. That law does exist," Neptune said, almost fondly. "But it hasn't been invoked in over four thousand years. Do you know why?"
"Because no one thought to try," Squidward replied coolly.
"Because they died before they finished the sentence," Neptune growled.
The king gestured around him, trident glowing faintly. "My reign spans millennia. I've crushed rebellions with a flick. Vaporized armies. Boiled oceans. And you—" he motioned to Squidward's lanky, scarred body, "—are barely holding your skeleton together."
"I know," Squidward said, smiling faintly.
Neptune's smirk faded into a grim sigh. "I'd feel bad, you know. Frying you like calamari in front of your little fan club. But the law is the law."
A royal attendant stepped between them, unrolling an ancient scroll.
"The terms are as follows," he announced, voice solemn. "Combatants shall engage until one is dead. Victory is awarded to the survivor. The victor shall be granted the Sea Crown and assume total sovereign rule over the oceanic realms."
Lurala hovered at Squidward's shoulder now, her voice barely a whisper. "Please tell me you have a plan. Please tell me you didn't just sign your own sashimi order."
Even Krabs shoved his way through the crowd, eyes bulging. "Squidward, for Neptune's sake—apologize! Tell him you were high on seaweed fumes! Say you tripped and your tongue filed the duel by accident!"
Squidward only stepped forward.
Neptune stood twenty feet away, his form blazing with power. The trident in his hand pulsed with searing orange fire, growing brighter by the second.
The crowd held their breath.
The flames roared.
"This is your last chance," Neptune said, voice like a tidal wave. "Bow out."
Squidward squared his shoulders.
"May the best fish win."
A silence fell.
Some in the crowd began to cry. Others turned away, unable to watch.
One royal guard muttered under his breath, "Wait… what if this is it? What if this is the vision? What if the Seer saw the king's death?"
That tiny question sent ripples of dread through the royal ranks.
Neptune didn't wait.
With a roar that shook the coral, he raised his trident — the fire coalescing into a massive, swirling inferno. Then, with one precise motion, he fired a concentrated death beam straight at Squidward's heart.
The world slowed.
The light engulfed the sky.
And Squidward…
Raised something.
It was a rectangular, transparent — thin, strange,reflecting the sun light. Lurala's eyes went wide.
"Wait—is that—?"
The beam struck the object.
And didn't explode.
Instead — it reflected.
The object rippled like water, then pulsed. Seemingly Absorbing the attack.
And then—
With a sudden, high-pitched whine—
It launched the energy back.
A single, hyper-focused streak of annihilation tore through the air, cutting across the battlefield and striking King Neptune square in the forehead.
BOOOOOOM.
A wave of golden blood and molten fire erupted from the king's skull. Half his head simply ceased to exist, obliterated in an instant.
Neptune's body staggered, flaming, muscles twitching.
Then it collapsed.
Face-first.
Silent.
Dead.
Time froze.
No one moved.
No one breathed.
Then, the scrollkeeper slowly turned to Squidward.
Eyes wide. Hands trembling.
"…Victor: Squidward Tentacles."
Lurala's jaw hung open. "What the hell was that?"
Squidward didn't respond. He stepped toward Neptune's corpse, calmly. Gracefully. He reached down and plucked the golden crown from the smoldering remains of the king's head.
The crowd stared.
The guards didn't move.
The civilians fell to their knees.
"…Hail the Seer," someone whispered.
Then another: "Hail the King."
And one by one, across the Krusty Krab parking lot, every voice joined the chorus.
"HAIL THE KING! HAIL KING SQUIDWARD!"
Lurala floated beside him, stunned into silence.
And Squidward?
He held up the oversized crown. A prize. A testament of his power.
He was in charge.
Lurala had finally realized what was in his hand earlier: a lens from his reading glasses.
King Neptune XIV. Cause of death: killed by an energy beam that was refracted off of a lens.