The scene at the Guild registry counter was one of quiet, professional disbelief. Luna stared at the quest completion form, then at the four adventurers standing before her, then back at the form. She had seen a lot in her time as a Guild receptionist. She had seen adventurers return with dragon scales, with goblin ears, with rare herbs, and on one memorable occasion, with a cursed teapot that sang sea shanties. She had never seen anyone return from a quest and report the primary landmark as having been "deleted from existence."
"Let me clarify," she said, her voice dangerously calm. "You took the quest to 'Clear the Abandoned Keep of the Undead Legion.' And your report states that the keep is now… a crater."
"A very clean crater!" Aqua chirped helpfully. "Not a single zombie left. Or a wall. Or a floor. Very thorough!"
"We employed an advanced, large-scale purification ritual," Kazuma explained, trying to sound as professional as possible while sweating profusely. "It was highly effective. Minimal fuss. Maximum… cleansing."
Deadpool leaned casually against the counter. "Think of it less as demolition and more as an aggressive, unscheduled renovation. We've opened up the floor plan considerably. The property value of that hill has probably skyrocketed now that it has an unobstructed panoramic view. Frankly, we should be charging the town a beautification fee."
Luna simply ignored him, her eyes still locked on the form. She picked up her official stamp, hesitated for a moment as if contemplating using it as a weapon, and then slammed it down on the parchment with a resounding thud.
"Quest approved," she sighed, the sound of a woman who had lost a small piece of her soul. "The reward for subjugating the undead legion is one hundred thousand Eris."
She counted out the money, a small mountain of gold coins that made Aqua's eyes sparkle and Megumin, now conscious and ravenously hungry, drool slightly. The crowd of adventurers that had gathered to watch whispered amongst themselves. This party of weirdos, the loudmouth in red, the crying goddess, and the chuuni wizard, had actually completed a high-rank quest on their first outing. They were no longer just a joke; they were a confusing, terrifyingly effective joke.
"One hundred thousand Eris!" Kazuma breathed, his hands trembling as he scooped the coins into a large pouch. This was more money than he had ever seen. They could buy new gear! They could eat well for weeks! They could...
"DIBS ON THE MAGIC LAUNDRY HAMPER!" Deadpool shouted, snatching the pouch from Kazuma's hands. "I call it! That's my share! I'm going to find that man and make him an offer he can't refuse!"
"My tab!" Aqua declared, making a grab for the pouch. "I owe this establishment a considerable sum for… sacramental wines."
"Food!" was all Megumin said, her eyes wide as she also lunged for the money.
Kazuma found himself in a frantic, three-way tug-of-war over their earnings. "No! We are budgeting! We are investing in our future! We are not spending it all on cursed laundry accessories and booze!"
The resulting brawl sent coins scattering across the Guild floor, leading to a mad scramble as half the adventurers in Axel suddenly decided to help them "pick up" their earnings.
An hour later, they sat in a tavern, nursing their drinks. They had managed to recover most of the money, and Kazuma had, through sheer desperation, managed to wrestle control of the party's finances. He had allotted each of them a small allowance and squirreled the rest away. The mood was tense.
"This is an outrage," Deadpool grumbled, sipping his ale. "I am a vital part of this team! My strategic insights and peerless sock-spotting abilities are invaluable. I deserve a larger discretionary fund for 'acquisition and preservation'."
"If you had been a more competent meat shield, perhaps my Explosion would not have needed to be so… absolute," Megumin said haughtily, munching on a roasted lizard leg.
"If either of you had an ounce of the divine grace that I possess…" Aqua started, before Kazuma cut them all off.
"Nobody say another word," he said, his eye twitching. "We are going to sit here, finish our drinks, and try to pretend we are a normal, functional adventuring party for five minutes. Is that understood?"
It was at that moment that a figure approached their table. She was tall, blonde, and encased in a suit of immaculate, gleaming plate armor that looked like it cost more than the entire tavern. She had the noble bearing of a paladin and a face that was both beautiful and stern. She radiated competence.
She stopped at their table, her blue eyes scanning each of them before settling on Kazuma. "You are the leader of this party, correct?" she asked, her voice calm and strong.
Kazuma sat up straighter, surprised. "Uh, yes. I am. Kazuma Satou."
"I have heard tales of your exploits," the knight continued. "They say you faced a legion of the undead and emerged victorious. That you command immense, destructive power. My name is Darkness. I am a Crusader."
A Crusader! The highest tier of the warrior class. A master of defense. A living shield. Kazuma's heart skipped a beat. A real, high-level front-liner wanted to join them? This could be it! This could be the piece that made their chaotic party viable!
"I wish to join your party," she said, her expression dead serious.
"We'd be honored to have you!" Kazuma said, perhaps a little too eagerly.
Deadpool leaned forward, squinting at her. His eyes did a quick, professional scan. "Armor's top-notch. Probably enchanted. Good posture. Solid stance. But…" His gaze drifted down to her greaves. "Can't see the socks. That's a major red flag for me. It suggests you have something to hide. What is it, knight-lady? Are they mismatched? Do they have holes in them? Are they, gasp, novelty socks? Because that's a deal-breaker."
Darkness ignored him, her focus still on Kazuma. Her cheeks were now slightly flushed, a faint pink dusting her pale skin. "I must warn you," she said, her voice becoming breathy and intense. "My skills are… specialized. I am a shield. My purpose is to stand on the front lines, to draw the enemy's wrath. I live to feel the crushing blows of a rampaging ogre, to be bathed in the searing flames of a dragon's breath, to be targeted by curses that would fell a lesser warrior…"
The table went silent. Kazuma's hopeful expression slowly melted into one of confusion.
"I yearn for a party that rushes headlong into danger!" she continued, her breathing becoming heavier. "A party so reckless that I will constantly be at risk! To be used as a decoy, to be battered and bruised for the sake of my comrades… the thought makes my very blood boil with excitement! Please, I beg of you! Let me be your wall!"
She finished her speech, panting slightly, a look of feverish anticipation on her beautiful face.
Deadpool slowly set his mug down. He looked at Kazuma. He looked at Aqua. He looked at Megumin. Then he looked back at the beautiful, heavily armored, and very obviously disturbed knight.
"Okay," he said, breaking the silence. "Just so we're all on the same page here. You're a masochist."
It wasn't a question. It was a statement of fact.
"A… a what?" Darkness stammered, her blush deepening to a crimson red.
"A pain-freak. A damage-junkie," Deadpool elaborated, ticking the points off on his fingers. "You get off on getting hurt. Your whole 'I want to be your shield' speech was just a thinly veiled personal ad for a party of idiots who will get you into situations where you're likely to be pummeled into a fine paste. Which, I gotta say," he added, gesturing around the table, "you've come to the right place. We're basically a magnet for poor life choices."
Darkness looked both horrified at being called out and thrilled at the prospect he was describing. "I… I don't know what you're talking about! My duty as a Crusader is to protect…"
"Yeah, yeah, protect. Sure." Deadpool waved a dismissive hand. "Listen, lady, I've worked with a lot of weirdos. A lot. But you're a whole new brand of special. And while I find it deeply, profoundly confusing on a psychological level, I can't deny the strategic value." He turned to Kazuma. "Kid, she's a freak, but she's a high-level tank freak. We need that. Hire her."
Kazuma was frozen, his brain trying to process the last two minutes. A top-tier Crusader wanted to join them, but she was a pervert who wanted to get beaten up. It was the most KonoSuba problem he had ever encountered. But Deadpool was right. A tank who actively wanted to take all the damage was, in a twisted way, the most effective tank imaginable.
He let out a sigh that contained all the weariness of a man three times his age. "Welcome to the party, Darkness."
Darkness's eyes lit up with a terrifying, ecstatic gleam.
The party was now complete. A degenerate leader, a useless goddess, a one-shot pyromaniac, an unkillable lunatic, and a perverted meat shield.
Kazuma had a sudden, vivid vision of the future. It was mostly just explosions, screaming, and a mountain of debt. He ordered another drink. He was going to need it.