Kazuki Ichiro woke up to the sound of chanting outside his window.
He groaned, rolled over, and buried his face in the pillow.
"Please be a dream," he muttered. "Please be a hallucination. Please let the takoyaki gods spare me."
[Sunrise Blessing Active — HP regeneration doubled for 2 hours]
[Sword Cult Faith: +13]
[Title Gained: The Sleepy One]
"…What the hell is that last one?"
"You snored in your sleep and it echoed across four temples," Miru said, already floating in the air beside the bed. "Congrats. You're now a divine ASMR channel."
Kazuki sat up slowly. "Why are you floating?"
"I'm magical. Duh."
"No, seriously. You're a sword. You're supposed to sit. You're not supposed to hover like a smug balloon."
"I do what I want. I'm also the one who killed a Leviathan in a past life, remember?"
"You mentioned that like six times yesterday."
"And I'll keep mentioning it until someone respects me."
Kazuki sighed, stretched, and looked out the window.
There were at least forty people outside the inn. Some were praying. Some were holding incense. One old man was painting a mural of Kazuki striking a dramatic pose with rays of sunlight coming out of his butt.
"Why are they still here?"
"They think if you walk outside and trip again, it'll become a divine martial art," Miru replied.
Kazuki stared blankly. "…It's not, right?"
"Not yet."
Kazuki managed to sneak out the back door. The innkeeper tried to offer him a foot massage and ten boiled eggs "for divine nourishment," but he mumbled something about "holy errands" and ran off down an alley.
He kept walking until the town thinned out. Past the merchant stalls, past the statue of himself that had somehow doubled in size overnight, and down a narrow cobblestone road that led to a forest trail.
He just wanted some peace. Somewhere quiet where no one tried to bow, scream, or propose marriage.
Unfortunately, fate had other plans.
A rustle came from the trees.
Kazuki slowed his steps, eyes narrowing. His hand instinctively went to his sword.
A figure burst out of the bushes—blonde, armored, and wielding a short spear.
Kazuki flinched.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
The girl skidded to a stop.
She was about his age, maybe a little younger, with sharp green eyes, a royal-looking cape, and a confident grin that said "I've never failed at anything, and I don't plan to start today."
"I finally found you!" she said, planting the spear dramatically in the dirt.
Kazuki blinked. "Do I know you?"
"I am Princess Lita of Vardell! Third daughter of King Renald, heir to the Sapphire Flame, and chosen protector of the eastern gate!" She puffed up proudly. "I've come to become your disciple!"
"No."
She faltered. "…What?"
"I said no."
"You didn't even think about it!"
"I don't need to think about it. I'm not taking disciples."
"But you're the God of Swords!"
"I'm the accidental God of Swords," Kazuki corrected. "I'm trying to keep my divine nonsense to a minimum. No followers. No temples. No… disciple princesses."
Lita's eye twitched. "But I traveled three days through monster-infested territory to find you!"
"That sounds like a you problem."
Miru snorted. "I like her already."
"Shut up."
Kazuki turned to leave.
Lita ran in front of him, arms out. "You can't just walk away! I've trained for years to master the spear, and the dream of every warrior in Vardell is to learn from the blade god himself! I even brought an offering!"
"…An offering?"
She snapped her fingers. A soldier appeared from the woods, dragging behind him a… chicken.
No. Not a chicken.
A giant chicken.
It was six feet tall, wearing what looked like a ceremonial saddle. Its eyes glowed faintly red. It clucked like thunder.
"This is a Clucklord," Lita explained proudly. "A rare beast of the Flamewoods. I tamed it myself. You may ride it."
Kazuki stared.
"I'm not riding that thing."
"Why not?!"
"It's glaring at me like it wants revenge."
"It respects your power!"
"It looks like it wants to peck out my soul."
The Clucklord clucked again. The sound shook nearby trees.
Miru whispered, "You're gonna end up riding it."
"Not a chance."
Fifteen minutes later, Kazuki was riding the Clucklord.
"This is your fault," he muttered.
"You sat on it voluntarily," Miru said, now back in sword-form and strapped to his back.
"She looked so excited. And she threatened to duel me."
"Which you could've won easily."
"I didn't want to hurt a princess!"
"She was going to fight you with the back end of her spear."
"…I still think she could've killed me."
The Clucklord stomped along the trail, feathers ruffling, occasionally kicking dirt at nearby bushes like a feathery war machine. Lita rode alongside Kazuki on a regular horse, grinning from ear to ear.
"This is going better than I imagined!" she chirped. "You're not nearly as terrifying as the legends say."
"That's because the legends are wrong."
"They say your sword screams the names of your fallen enemies when drawn."
"Nope."
"They say you cut a mountain in half just to dry your clothes."
"Also nope."
"They say you blessed a baby into godhood just by patting its head."
Kazuki sighed. "Okay, that one might've happened by accident."
Lita giggled.
He hated how normal this was starting to feel.
They reached a hill overlooking the town. From here, Kazuki could see the chaos he'd unintentionally caused.
A parade of Sword Cultists was marching through the streets. Banners with his face flapped in the breeze. Someone was selling "official" God Swordsman merchandise—including wooden replicas of Miru, which offended the real Miru to no end.
"Are those plushies?" Kazuki asked.
"One of them has abs," Miru muttered. "I don't even have a torso."
"Why do people love me so much?"
"Because you're hot, powerful, and mysterious," Lita offered.
"I'm tired, confused, and mildly constipated."
"Same thing."
Kazuki buried his face in his hands.
"I'm gonna die of stress in a world where I'm literally immortal."
As they turned back toward the forest, a new notification popped up:
[Divine Disturbance Detected]
[Hostile entity approaching: Minor God of Flames — Level 87]
[Warning: You are currently not wearing pants.]
Kazuki looked down.
"Okay. Why does it say I'm not wearing pants?!"
Lita looked over, blinked, and then blushed. "I—I think your cloak's hiding them, but, uh, maybe it's a glitch?"
Miru groaned. "The Flame God's coming. Focus, idiots."
Kazuki sighed. "Of course he is."
A moment later, the trees ignited.
A blast of fire erupted from the woods. Birds scattered. The Clucklord squawked angrily and began pecking the dirt like it wanted blood.
From the flames stepped a man clad in red armor. His hair burned like a torch. His eyes glowed gold. A flaming longsword hovered at his side.
"I am Flarnax, Minor God of Flame," he declared, voice echoing unnaturally. "I have come to test your worth."
Kazuki raised a hand. "Can we not?"
"You insult the divine order with your laziness and sarcasm," Flarnax growled. "You mock what we represent!"
"I'm not mocking anything. I just don't want to get third-degree burns today."
Flarnax pointed his sword. "Defend yourself, God of Swords!"
Kazuki slowly reached back, grabbed Miru by the hilt, and unsheathed the blade with a sigh.
"Please don't scream," he whispered.
"I make no promises," Miru whispered back.
The duel lasted six seconds.
Flarnax charged, roaring like a meteor. His flames surged, trees melting in his wake. Lita shouted in panic. The Clucklord squawked and hid behind a rock.
Kazuki blinked once, raised his sword, and—more out of reflex than intention—slashed sideways.
A wave of invisible force burst out.
The fire vanished. The trees stopped burning. Flarnax's armor shattered, and he was sent flying through three pine trees, landing in a steaming pile of dirt with his sword spinning off into the sky like a helicopter blade.
Kazuki stood still.
"I… did not mean to do that."
[Skill Activated: Passive Divine Counter — "Try Harder Next Time"]
Flarnax groaned from the crater. "W-well struck…"
Miru chuckled. "Nice. You didn't even break a sweat."
"I might throw up, though."
"Same thing."
Lita stared with wide eyes.
The Clucklord bowed.