"Hey, guys, I'm not the only one who thinks building a half naked body building elf-bot is kinda kinky, right?"
"Realis, I swear to God if you don't shut up right now I wi-aaaarrrggh!" Wally yelled in response before getting catapulted across the gym floor by the recently reassembled Amazo. Also, power copying robots are bullshit, just throwing that out there.
"See guys, this is why you, hnn, should listen when I say that we need, hff, lethal weapons," I grunted in response, dodging the Amazo's attacks by millimeters. Where had it all gone wrong?
Oh, right, when we were attacked by literal flying monkeys who stole back the disassembled power copying robot for Professor Ivo, a frail middle aged mad scientist with graying ginger hair and a slight paunch who looked like he should be teaching inattentive high-school students, not giggling while his steroid abusing sex-bot tries to paste me. Also, thank God I took the time to exhaustively study the fighting styles of most of the notable League members, because it was the only thing making this fight survivable for me.
"Kill the mouthy one in that hideous charcoal suit first!" Ivo screeched at his robot as he pointed at me.
"I'll have you know that charcoal is in this season. And speaking of hideous, a sweater vest in July? What is wrong with you? Aside from the fact that you like bottoming for Fist-o-tron 3000 here," I continued to taunt Ivo. Amazo's eyes flared red, so I dodged left, buying me a few scant milliseconds since the move broke the pattern I had been cleaving to. By dodging right for the last several attacks, I had managed to cause Amazo's prediction software to malfunction by suddenly moving left. The robot tried to track me with its heat vision, and Ivo shrieked in fear as the robot's twin scarlet beams raked the bleachers next to him. This was what I'd been hoping for, and the Amazo disengaged its powers to avoid harming its creator. I took advantage of the opening and rushed Ivo, slamming my knee into his ribs, which broke with a loud 'crack' as I scooped up a jagged chunk of wood and pressed the pointy end up next to his eye.
"Call off your 'bot, doc," I growled in his ear as I hauled him in front of me to act as a human shield. "Unless you want me to make you squeal like a piggy." I kept a careful eye on Ivo's monkeys, or MONQI's, as he preferred to call them. They had been scattered by the collapse of the bleachers following Amazo's heat vision attack, but that wouldn't last long. My body armor could take a glancing hit from their lasers, but a direct one would open me up enough for Amazo to finish me off.
"You... hrrrgg... wouldn't," he managed to whine between gasps of pain.
"Oh yeah? And what makes you think tha... oh, never mind," I shrugged as Superboy and Robin teamed up to trick the Amazo into committing a serious tactical error. It shifted to Martian Manhunter's power set in order to phase past Robin's explosive 'Birdarangs,' which gave Superboy the opportunity to shove his fist through the space Amazo's skull occupied. As result, when Amazo tried to phase back in, its head exploded and the large elf-bot keeled over, thoroughly dead. That struck me as a clear design flaw, since, being a robot, there was no reason for Amazo's head to actually be all that important, but damned if I was going to point that out.
"Amazo! You little Aaaarrrggh!"
"Be polite, you've still got two hundred and three other bones for me to break," I warned Professor Ivo, who started to slump his head in defeat, only to stop short when realized I still had a large and jagged chunk of wood hovering just under his eye.
"Okay, okay!" he whimpered, "MONQI's, power down. Ivo override Alpha Delta Seven Seven Two."
"Good villain," I congratulated him as I zip-tied his hands together a bit more roughly than was entirely necessary, eliciting a scream of pain from the nebbish scientist.
******
"In conclusion, Realis, while you're methods were effective, this kind of excessive force is not condoned, and you will have to continue your psychiatric sessions with Black Canary, along with sensitivity training from Wonder Woman for the foreseeable future," Batman growled at me. We had finished our group debriefing, and I was the last in line for our personal after-action reviews back at the cave.
"Oh, that's fucking rich coming from a guy who dresses like a bat and folds people into Origami sculptures every night," I scoffed, waving my hand at the man. Batman, for his part, was almost visibly grinding his teeth.
"The difference, is that I incapacitate hardened criminals who are clear and present threats to the safety of innocent people. You, however, put an asthmatic out-of-shape scientist in traction. The last I checked, they were still digging shards of bone out of his liver!" Batman snarled at me. "There was no need for that level of force."
"Hey, he's alive right?" I shrugged, wholly unconcerned. Batman could bitch and moan at me all he wanted, but we both knew that he was no different.
"And I suppose you want a pat on the head for not being a criminal?" Batman growled at me.
"Well, positive reinforcement might be more effective than blatant hypocrisy. I'm just mimicking your actions because I look up to you Batman! I can't remember anything from my past life, so you're the closest thing I have to a father figure," I exclaimed, putting a wide eyed and earnest expression on my face as I clasped my hands over my heart. Batman looked shocked for a brief second and actually appeared to be considering my explanation, but then he placed a fierce scowl back on his face and glared at me. I couldn't help it anymore, and burst out laughing.
"Ahahahahahaaaa... don't worry, I'm just fucking with you," I reassured him, causing Batman to look almost relieved as he abruptly stood up and swept out of the room. "What? Was it something I said?" It occurred to me that maybe I liked messing with Batman a bit more than was entirely sane or healthy.
******
"So... let me get this straight, in order to help me adjust to normal human society, you are removing me from all contact with normal human society, to an island full of... shit, what's the opposite of misogynists? Mis...phallus...ists? Fuck it, She-Woman Man Haters..."
"Well to start, I would appreciate it if you did not refer to my sisters as 'She Woman Man Haters,'" Wonder Woman told me in a disappointed tone that was just so... so motherly that it almost made my heart ache. Almost being the operative word.
"Yeah, but I'm not wrong am I?" I asked, "I mean, a couple thousand years of referring to everything outside your island as 'Man's World' has got to breed some erroneous preconceptions, right?"
Wonder Woman paused a bit before answering, which really told me everything I needed to know.
"There... are those who will be less than receptive of your presence," she admitted, "but it will also be an excellent chance to show me that you are capable of self control, and not solving all of your problems with violence."
Well, fuck, she sounded like she actually believed it, too.
"You have met me, right? You're not, like, a pod person or an evil clone, or anything?" I asked, deciding that it was best to temper her expectations now, rather than later.
"Yes, I have, and no, I'm not. You're a better person than you think you are, Ryan," Wonder Woman kindly informed me. Damn her and her not all subtle manipulations playing on my reluctance to let down the one person who actually thought I could be a reasonably stable facsimile of a human being!
"I'll try, no promises," I grumbled. Come on, it was a magical island full of women who had lived in a paradisaical magical society blessed by the Greek gods for thousands of years, it couldn't be all bad, right?
"Of course not. Themyscira is called Themyscira for a reason."
"So... I said that..."
"Out loud, yes. And don't worry, you're my guest."
"That doesn't reassure me. A solid half of Greek myths involve the guest either dying or being transformed!" I exclaimed.
"So, what, you're scared of being transformed into a female?"
"No, I'm worried that a small subset of radical feminist Amazons will see my presence as an affront to your multi-millennia old traditions and try to murder me, and then you'll do that whole sad slash disappointed thing when when I kill them with the silverware. Alternately, I'll get wrapped up in some bizarre prophecy that nobody ever thought to mention because it was 'too improbable' or some shit. Or possibly both, knowing my luck, with the murderous Amazons belonging to a secret society working for or against said prophecy," I explained calmly and rationally, without a trace of bitterness about being forced into a "therapeutic retreat" by fucking Batman! Yeah, Mr. "Wah-Wah-Wah-My-Parents-Died-So-I-Spend-My-Fortune-On-Gadgets-To-Beat-Up-Criminals" says I'm unstable?
"That's... almost Batman levels of paranoid," Wonder Woman slowly objected, "but don't worry, you'll be right down the hall from both myself, my mother, and our royal guards, so the likelihood of that occurring is slim. Relax,this will be good for you. Now, we're here."
I took a deep breath and followed Diana as she disembarked from her invisible jet, to the ecstatic cheers of her people. Cheers that became noticeably less ecstatic when I landed on the balls of my feet just behind their beloved princess. Yep, this was going to go just great.