Chapter 102 – The Cooper Family Matters (Part 2)
"So... are you going to tell them?"
Ron narrowed his eyes at Penny, who shivered under his gaze. "Of course not!"
"But I gotta say," Ron added with a sly grin, "those gentlemen don't seem to be on their A-game with Missy sitting right there."
The mischievous glint in his eye said it all—he was about to stir the pot.
"How about you take my sister out for a bit?" he suggested. "She hasn't really had the chance to explore L.A."
"Me? Shouldn't you or Sheldon be doing that?" Penny rolled her eyes. "Besides, I'm kinda broke."
Ron handed her a bank card. "Go on—get your nails done, have some fun. My treat. Missy knows the PIN."
"Yoohoo~!" Penny cheered and gave Ron a big, wet kiss on the cheek. Ron winced and wiped his face with his sleeve. "Hey! Don't spend like a maniac!"
Watching her bounce with excitement, Ron started second-guessing himself. He snatched the card back and shouted toward Missy, "Hey! Penny wants to know if you wanna go out for a little mani-pedi run. You in?"
"Awesome!" Missy stood up and took the card from Ron's hand, then linked arms with Penny. The two strutted out the door like runway models. Just before leaving, Penny shot the nerd trio a smug look over her shoulder.
That look said one thing loud and clear:
See? Your dream girl just left with me.
SLAM.
The door closed.
The room, previously full of awkward camaraderie, instantly turned into a battlefield.
Howard struck first: "Alright, step aside, you two!"
Raj shoved Howard back. "Why should I move? You move, bro!"
Leonard wedged between them, trying to assert dominance. "Guys, guys. This is my apartment. She's my roommate's sister. That gives me home-court advantage."
Howard scoffed. "So what? You've already got Penny!"
Leonard shot back, "When did I get Penny?! And when was Penny ever mine?!"
"Then that means she's fair game, right? Can I go for her?" Howard asked, feigning innocence.
"Go to hell! Absolutely not!"
"Excuse me, may I interject for a moment?"
Sheldon finally looked up from his laptop, breaking his work trance. "I'm a little hungry. Thinking of ordering pizza. Do you guys eat pepperoni?"
"Add a bacon and triple cheese for me," Ron raised a hand. "I eat a lot. Don't worry, I'll pay you back at the end of the month—lump sum."
Leonard, realizing the standoff was going nowhere, decided to change tactics. "Hey guys, can I talk to you both—privately?"
Clever little sneak.
But Ron saw through him instantly. Before Sheldon could agree, Ron cut in with a sharp grin:
"If this is about Missy, let's just hash it out here. No backroom deals."
"Alright," Leonard sighed, glancing at Ron. He realized Ron wasn't nearly as easy to manipulate as Sheldon, so he had no choice but to begin his pitch right there. His main target, of course, was Sheldon.
"Sheldon, have you not noticed how irresistibly attractive your sister is?"
"She does possess the kind of low-fat, proportionate physique admired by Western cultural standards," Sheldon nodded in agreement. "Though historically, fuller-figured women were more popular—because a wider waistline indicated prosperity."
Leonard was about to continue his pitch, but Ron cut him off, instantly pulling everyone's attention his way.
"Leonard, cut to the chase. What are you really trying to say?"
Leonard subtly shuffled away from Howard and Raj, putting some distance between them. "What I'm saying is—those two are also into your sister."
Howard and Raj instantly glared daggers at him.
"Also?" Ron raised an eyebrow. "So that means you're into my sister too, Leonard?"
"Sheldon, doesn't this concern you even a little?" Leonard pressed. "I mean—she's your sister."
"Well, we did share a womb for nine months," Sheldon shrugged. "But after that, we've each gone our own way. I don't see the connection anymore."
Leonard tried a different angle. "Think of it this way: Your father isn't around, so—by traditional standards—it's up to you and Ron to look out for your sister's romantic interests."
He leaned in with conviction. "And, you're twins! Do you understand what that means?"
"Huh," Sheldon paused, intrigued. "I hadn't thought of that. We do share identical DNA, so... it's possible, albeit unlikely, that she could create another version of me! A remarkable individual!"
"Exactly!" Leonard rubbed his hands eagerly. "And you have a responsibility to preserve the integrity of those exceptional genes!"
"You're right!" Sheldon declared. "If someone wants to impregnate Missy, they'll need my approval! I will not allow her to birth a child as simple-minded as Forrest Gump!"
"Who's Forrest Gump?"
"Not important," Sheldon waved it off.
"Ahem." This time, Ron interrupted. And as the actual Cooper brother with veto power, his voice held more weight.
"Sheldon, do I need to remind you what Missy said she'd do if you interfered again?"
"No need," Sheldon responded instantly, clenching his legs protectively.
"Good." Ron casually tossed his empty ice cream cup into the trash. "I've been listening to you guys for a while now… So, let me confirm—you all want to date my sister, right?"
Three eager heads nodded in unison, their puppy-dog eyes begging for his blessing.
"Well, there's a serious complication," Ron said. "Our family is from a traditional Christian background. And Missy's favorite foods are fried pork cutlets and slow-smoked beef brisket."
Leonard looked smug. Clearly, he thought that gave him the upper hand.
But the other two weren't backing down without a fight.
"Is it because I'm Jewish?" Howard blurted. "If it means being with your sister, I'll go eat pork cutlets in front of my rabbi right now!"
Raj threw up his hands. "Same here! I'll denounce Hinduism this instant! I'll devote my life to Jesus if it gets me closer to your sister!"
Ron facepalmed. Missy really is too powerful.
"Well, gentlemen," he sighed, "if that's how it's gonna be... let's settle this the good ol' Texas way."
He pulled out another tub of ice cream, sat down in the best seat in the house, and popped the lid with a smirk.
"You all know Missy's from Texas. And in Texas, we value one thing above all else—strength. So I say... duel it out. Last man standing gets to pursue my sister."
The moment he finished his sentence, Raj tackled Howard to the ground and wrapped an arm around his neck.
"I am possessed by Lord Shiva! I will win her heart!"
"Yeah, well I'm the Math Camp Judo Champion! You're about to find out what that means—"